Unwanted ~ Part 37

Khushi

It was already 7 and I was fussing. After Arnav had mentioned his plans, I had tried to protest, tell him that it wasn’t going to work, but he was adamant to take me out.
I told him that I wouldn’t be able to leave Arushi, but he spoke to Raj who had said he had no issue looking after Arushi and then putting her to bed.

After stalling for ages, I realised I couldn’t wiggle my way out of it and so agreed to go out with him.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go out with him, it was just… It had been a really long time since we had been alone together and I didn’t know what to expect.

Since we’d met, every time that we had seen each other, we had discussed Arushi and the best way to ease him into her life. We hadn’t had time to focus on ourselves. Now the time had come. He wants us to talk about our relationship. I don’t know if I’m ready to have that conversation just yet.

Pushing my thoughts away, I focused on the task at hand, getting myself dressed. I looked at the little pile of made on my bed and tried to pull myself together. I was going out with my husband. Given, I hadn’t been out with him in years, but I still didn’t need to fuss over clothes this much.

Going back to my wardrobe, I picked out a black lacy kameez and decided this was what would have to do. Getting my myself dressed super quickly, I sat down at my dressing table and picked a few little pieces of jewellery to go with my outfit.

As I was putting my earrings on, there was a little knock on my door. Turning, I saw Raj leaning against the door, smiling at me.

 

“Almost ready?”

“Almost. Do you think I look okay?”

 

I got to my feet so he could see my outfit properly and he gave me a thumbs up.

 

“You look great.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know if I should wear this or the outfit you gifted me last Diwali.”

“Wear this. The dress I gave you isn’t really dinner date friendly, it’s a bit too heavy for that.”

“True.”

 

I turned back and picked my phone up, checking the time. I still had time before I had to leave. Arnav had said he wanted to pick me up, but I didn’t know how I felt about that. So I told him that I would drive myself there. He had been adamant that he wanted to pick me up, but he realised I really didn’t want him to come to collect me. So he agreed to letting me drive myself there.

 

“Khushi, don’t be nervous.”

“How do you know I’m nervous, I’m not nervous.”

 

He walked into my room and moved towards me, smiling at me.

 

“I know you Khushi. And I can tell from your body language that you’re basically freaking out right now.”

 

I took a quick look over Raj’s shoulder and then went over to shut the door.

 

“Okay, yes I am super nervous.”

“Why? You know Arnav and it’s not like you’re seeing him again for the first time.”

“I know all that. It’s just… I don’t know what to expect.”

 

Raj stopped and he nodded. I knew he knew what I meant.

 

“Don’t have any expectations, go in blind and just roll with how things are going.”

 

He had a point. If I had no expectations, I would feel more at ease.

 

“You can talk to Arnav when you meet him about how you want things to go between you guys. That way, you don’t have to be left guessing and he doesn’t have to stress because he doesn’t know what’s going on in your head. Lay it all out for each other and then work from there.”

“This is way you’re my friend! You always know what to say.”

 

I picked my bag and my phone off my bed and I sent Arnav a quick message saying that I was leaving soon.

 

“Have a great night Khushi and don’t worry about Arushi, me and mom have got her.”

“I never worry about Arushi when she’s with you and Mausi. You guys take better care of her than I do.”

 

Raj gave a little laugh before walking out of my room. I followed him out and shut my door. I was just about to go looking for Arushi, when she came running out of Veera Mausi’s bedroom and hugged me.

 

“Where are you going Mama?”

“I told you, I’m going out with your papa.”

“Ohhhh. Will you come back quickly?”

“I’ll try baby. But if I don’t, go to bed when nani tells you.”

“Can you tell papa something?”

“Of course.”

“Tell him he’s the best papa ever!”

 

I kissed the top of her head and smiled. I’d never get over Arushi calling Arnav papa. When they had met and when she wouldn’t call him papa, it did worry me a little. But now, since yesterday, it was just papa, papa, papa! I think Raj was taken aback a bit that Arushi had started calling Arnav papa, but he didn’t say anything, nor did he show anything. But I understood how he must have been feeling. After years and years of being Arushi’s papa, to suddenly not be her papa must be weird.

 

“Khushi, you’re going to start running late.”

 

Looking at my watch, I realised he was right. Giving Arushi one more hug and waving buy to Raj, I was ready to go. Date night with my husband after almost 6 and a half years… This was going to be interesting.

 

*****

 

When I got to the restaurant, Arnav was already waiting for me at the reception. As I approached him, he walked towards me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing a light kiss on my cheek. His lips were soft and warm, like they had been all those years ago.

 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Reservation for Mr and Mrs Raizada?”

 

The waiter nodded and led us to our table. Arnav’s arm didn’t move off of my waist and I was glad he didn’t. I felt like a teenager, going out for the first time with my crush. I felt so lightheaded, I was sure I’d pass out.

When we got to our table, Arnav took his arm away from my waist but took my hand instead and he pulled a chair out for me. I sat down and then he went across and sat down too.

It felt a little awkward and I didn’t know what to say. Looking at him, I could tell he was feeling the same way.

 

“So Arushi told me to tell you you’re the best papa ever.”

“Did she really?”

“Yeah. She talks about you all the time any way, but since yesterday she’s been completely different. It’s like she’s in awe of you. What did you guys do yesterday?”

 

I watched as he smiled.

 

“Father daughter business. Mom doesn’t need to know what we got up to.”

 

I feigned annoyance and crossed my arms.

 

“Oh nice! Now you’re both keeping secrets from me.”

 

He laughed and I couldn’t help but laugh too. I was so glad that they were getting on, that they were really bonding. I uncrossed my arms and I placed my hand on the table. Arnav put his hand on top of mine.

 

“Khushi, I don’t want to sound like an absolute imbecile, but can we not talk about Arushi this evening. I feel like every time we’ve been meeting recently, or every time we speak on the phone, it’s always about Arushi. And as much as I love speaking about our daughter, I want to take some time for us to talk about us.”

 

I nodded. His request was one that made sense. Since that first day when we met again, we hadn’t really taken any time to talk about ourselves or what we want. And as great as it was to finally be able to talk to him about our daughter, I also wanted to talk to him about him, and about us.

 

“How’s everyone at home?”

“They’re good, I spoke to Di and jijaji just before I came out. They all want me to go home.”

 

Home… We hadn’t really discussed what would happen next, what would happen when he went back to Delhi. I mean, he’d mentioned taking us home, but we hadn’t had a serious conversation about it. Arnav was meant to have gone back ages ago, but he had stayed after meeting me and Arushi. But he was needed in Delhi, and I didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to stay here for.

 

“So have you decided when you’re going to go back?”

“As of right now, I don’t have any plans to go back yet, but I’ve been getting calls from Akash and Aman saying I need to start getting back. Important projects and stuff and being lined up and they can’t really go ahead without me.”

“So you’re probably going to have to leave soon?”

 

He looked at me and smiled and squeezed my hand. Maybe he could tell that I was concerned about him leaving.

 

“When I go back, I’m taking you and our baby back with me. So whether I go back next week or next year, you’re both coming with me. I’m not leaving you. No way in hell is that happening.”

 

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go back yet but before I could say anything. The waiter arrived with the menus and we took them. Arnav opened his up first and had a look down the list. I opened mine up too and had a look.
Maybe he could tell I was unsure of what to order mix or maybe he wanted to move our attention from going home, but he recommended a bunch of dishes.

 

“Wow that’s a lot of dishes that you’ve tried. Have you been here a lot? Lots of hot dates?”

 

I raised my eyebrow and he looked back at me, his own eyebrow raised.

 

“The last time I went on a hot date, it was near enough six and a half years ago. And I must say, it was a super hot date.”

 

I bit my lip a little and looked down, blushing. He was right, it was a hot date. A super hot date. He’d been busy with work the entire week and I guess we’d both been getting a little frustrated that we weren’t able to spend any time together. This was just before all of the Nimisha stuff happened. He took us out one night so we could spend some time together.

Long story short, we never made it to the cinema or to dinner. We found a secluded road, parked under a tree, and then made our way into the backseat of his car.

He smiled at me knowingly, he knew what I was thinking about.

 

“You should pick what you want to eat.”

 

I looked down the menu, reading what everything was and then took his options into consideration too.

When I finally decided on what I wanted, I told Arnav and he relayed it to the waiter when he came back round.

With our orders placed we settled back down as we waited for our food.

 

“So you may have to start going back soon?”

“Yes, but I’m going to try putting it off for as long as I can. I don’t want to have to leave you and Arushi behind and I know you’re not ready to go back yet.”

“But if you need to go…”

“I’m not going to leave without you and our baby. Work can wait.”

 

I couldn’t help but smile. We mattered to him, and he wanted us in his life.

 

“Have you mentioned to anyone that you found me?”

“No. You told me you didn’t want me to…”

“No I don’t. I was just asking.”

“I see. I haven’t. I want to surprise everyone when I take you and Arushi home.”

 

We carried on talking for a while. About everyone at home. He showed me pictures from Payal and Akash’s wedding. He showed me pictures of the kids and it hit me how he didn’t have any pictures Of Nimisha and Pari. I mean I know he doesn’t see them as his family, but it also helped me to see just how incomplete his life had been for all these years. I had thought he was having a great life with Nimi, but it turns out…

 

“I was thinking the other day Khushi, you know, after I had lunch with Raj. It’s going to be really hard for him when you and Arushi leave.”

 

I looked down at the food which had arrived a few minutes before and I pushed it around my plate a little. Arnav was right, and it was something I had thought about myself as well.
I knew it was going to be hard for Raj. Heck, it was going to be hard for me and Arushi as well. For years, Veera mausi and Raj were our family. They were all we had. And now…

 

“Khushi… I was thinking, maybe we need to start thinking about you and Arushi moving in with me.”

 

I almost chocked on my food. I wasn’t expecting him to say something like that. We hadn’t even spoken about moving in together. We had spoken about going back to Delhi at some point, but we hadn’t spoken about moving in together while we were here.

 

“I just think, if we move in together, it would give Arushi more time to get accustomed to having me around. And this way, we’ll be able to spend even more time together. If we just go to Delhi together, it maybe too much for Arushi at one time. If we just go back home, then Arushi would have to get used to living with me full time, but also the whole family. It may be a bit overwhelming. And when we get back to Delhi, I won’t be able to spend much time with her because of work.”

He had a point and I understood what he was saying. But moving in with him? It’s not that I didn’t want to move in with Arnav, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that yet.

 

“I don’t know…”
“There’s no rush, nor is there any pressure, but I think it would be helpful for Arushi. And well…”

 

He reached out for me again and placed his hand on top of mine, stroking my skin with his thumb.

 

“I want to be able to spend more time with you as well. Really get our relationship back on track you know.”

 

I did know and I wanted that too. But for some reason the idea of moving in together was giving me palpitations. And not good ones either.

 

“I want to… But I think I just need some time.”

 

He nodded and he smiled. He understood, and that’s all that mattered. He understood and he respected me need for time. What more could I ask for?

 

*****

 

Dinner was done and we were making our way back to our cars. We found his car first and we’re saying goodbye when he placed his hands on my waist and stepped closer to me.

 

“Arnav…”

 

He pushed me back against the car, his hands still on my waist.

 

“I’ve been dying to kiss you. It’s been over six years since I last felt you lips on mine.”

 

I felt myself flush as I looked down. I’d been dying to kiss him too. His hold on my waist tightened as his eyes fluttered shut. I slowly closed mine too as I anticipated what was to come. I felt his breath on my face and I felt my breathing stop altogether. I hadn’t been this close to him in so long and it made me realise just how much I wanted to be close to him.

I felt his lips brush against mine ever so slightly but the sound of a car beeping caused us to jump apart. He was still holding me close when we opened our eyes and looked around us.

He slowly took his hands off me and I couldn’t help but feel slightly disheartened. I wanted to kiss him, but the moment was gone now.
Slowly Arnav took his hands off my waist and smiled.

 

“I guess I should let you get home.”

“Yeah… I should get home.”

 

He nodded and then hugged me quickly before saying goodbye and getting into his car.

I made my way over to my car and I watched as he pulled away. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to him. I didn’t want to have to go to a house where he wasn’t there. Maybe I was ready to move in with him? Maybe it’s the step I need to take… Maybe…

 

*****

 

I watched as Arnav pushed Arushi on the swings and I sat and smiled. They both were laughing and enjoying themselves.

It had been a few days since me and Arnav had been out for dinner. We hadn’t really spoken again about going home or moving in together, but we had spoken. We’d spoken about ourselves and our daughter. And late at night, when neither of us could sleep, we’d have very adult conversations about how we wanted to be together. About what we wanted to do together.

The first time we’d spoken like that on the phone or through text, I had felt slightly awkward. It hadn’t felt natural, I had felt it was slightly forced from my side, like I had to respond with something sexy.

But now, it came naturally. Because I really did want to be with him. Because I really did want to touch him.

Just thinking about it all now made me want him so much more, but I didn’t know when we’d be able to do all the things we wanted to. It was like the opportunity just wasn’t coming. But I was willing to wait. I didn’t mind having to wait. Because once the opportunity did come, and once it happened, I knew it would all be worth waiting for.

I brought myself out of my thoughts and I turned my attention back to my husband and my daughter who were having the time of their lives. Sometimes it feels a little weird watching them together. I had never thought Arnav would make such a good father. For some reason, I had always been under the impression he’d be the awkward dad type. But he wasn’t. He was a natural dad, and I couldn’t help but fall further in love with him…

 

Unwanted ~ Part 36

Arnav

Straightening out my tie, I looked at myself in the mirror. And then I decided to ditch the tie. I wanted to look like her dad, not a teacher. I checked my outfit again and then decided I didn’t want to wear a suit at all. Getting changed, I decided to wear a jumper with a pair of jeans. Brushing my hair again, I made sure it looked just right and sat down.

After a few days of correspondence with Khushi, we finally decided that today was the day that I would meet Arushi. It took me and Khushi a while to decide on a location where we should meet, but we finally decided that the best place would be Arushi’s favourite ice cream parlour.

Both Khushi and I were feeling apprehensive about the meeting, but according to Khushi, Arushi couldn’t wait. I was glad she was feeling so positive about it, I just hoped she would feel as positive when she actually saw me. She made up the excitement levels for both of us.

Looking at my watch, there was still just over an hour until I needed to be at the ice cream parlour. I had time to calm my nerves, to relax myself.

I looked at my watch again. 56 minutes to go.

The countdown had begun.

 

*****

 

Pulling up in front of the ice cream parlour, I saw Khushi’s little car already there, meaning she and Arushi had arrived.

I parked my car and then sat in my seat. This was it, I was about to officially meet my daughter. I was absolutely petrified. What if she realised I was her dad and then decided she didn’t want a dad. Or what if she realised she preferred Raj over me?

What would happen if Arushi didn’t like me? Would we keep trying to make things work until she did like me? Or would just decide it’s better if I just took a step out of our daughters life? Would that put a stop to anything developing between me and Khushi again?

I shook my head. I was acting like her mother’s lover, a potential step father. I was her dad, her own father. It was going to be okay, it was all going to work out.

 

*****

 

As I walked into the ice cream parlour, Khushi looked up from where she and Arushi were sat and waved. I smiled back and slowly made my way over to them.

This was it.

As I approached, I realised just how strong the resemblance between Khushi and Arushi was. It was uncanny. The same eyes, the same hair, the same smile…

Arushi turned when she saw Khushi waving to me. The surprise she felt was evident from the expression on her face. She got to her feet and rushed over to me.

 

“Mr Raichanda! What are you doing here?”

 

Mr Raichanda? Is that what she thought my name was? Khushi too got to her feet and came over to me.

 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

 

She gave me a shy little smile before placing her hand on Arushi’s shoulder.

 

“Let’s go back to our table and finish our ice cream.”

 

Nodding, Arushi turned and went back to her table and Khushi turned her attention back to me.

 

“Come on.”

“Have you told her I’m meeting you guys today.”

“I have. She’s super excited.”

“I’m so nervous Khushi. What if she can’t see me as her dad?”

 

She placed her hand on mine and gave it a squeeze.

 

“She’s been waiting for her dad all her life and she adores you as her teacher. Even if takes her a while, she will accept you as her dad.”

“I really hope so.”

 

Smiling, Khushi turned around when I remembered when I wanted to ask her something. Taking told of her hand, I stopped her in her tracks and pulled her back to myself.

 

“Arnav, Arushi will see!

 

I dropped her hand but I stepped closer to her.

 

“Why does she call me Mr Raichanda?”

 

Tipping her head back, Khushi laughed. She looked so attractive, so beautiful and carefree. How I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her close.
She composed herself and then replied to my question.

 

“I don’t think she can say Raizada so she calls you Raichanda. If she had said Raizada when she first met you I would have realised… I still had a feeling but I never thought she was actually talking about you.”

 

I took a step back, nodding, and she gestured to the table. She went and sat down beside Arushi and I took the seat opposite her. Arushi looked between me and Khushi, her brows knit together.

 

“Mama, when is papa coming?”

 

Her happy carefree expression changed as she shot an anxious glance my way. I realised then that Khushi was struggling and didn’t actually know how to break the news to Arushi, that she hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

So far, Khushi has seemed so calm and collected about all this, I thought, well I relied on her knowing what to do. But looking at her now I realised she didn’t know what to do. I needed to step up.

I cleared my throat and shuffled in my seat. Here goes nothing.

 

“Arushi I…”

 

Her eyes turned to me and Khushi too looked at her, biting her nail.

 

“I’m your dad.”

 

For a moment, there was no expression on Arushi’s face at all. It was almost as though she didn’t hear what I said. Then she blinked slowly and looked at Khushi. Then she blinked again before turning back to me.

 

From the limited time that I had spent with Arushi, I knew this wasn’t a good sign. Arushi always had something to say.

 

“My papa?”

 

I gave a little nod and she turned back to Khushi again.

 

“I don’t understand…”

 

Khushi reached over and took Arushi’s hand and then she placed her hand on mine.

 

“Haan Arushi, this is your papa.”

“But… If Mr Raichanda is my papa, why didn’t he tell me all this time?”

 

Khushi’s hand slipped away from mine and she looked down. This was going to be harder than we thought it was going to be. What were we going to say now? Her question was valid and one I didn’t know how to work around.

Recomposing herself, Khushi placed both her hands on Arushi’s.

 

“We didn’t tell you that Mr Raizada, Arnav, was your dad because we wanted to see how you interacted with him, we wanted to surprise you.”

 

Khushi was uncertain in her response and it was obvious. Arushi seemed to accept the response but she still looked wary. I realised that maybe we should take a bit of a step back, give Arushi a bit of time to take everything in. I got to my feet.

 

“Maybe I should leave and we can speak another time.”

“Wait Arnav.”

 

Getting to her feet, Khushi took hold of my hand and then dropped it again straight away. She gestured for me to sit back down and I did.

 

“Arushi, I know this is a lot for you to take in and you’re only little but whatever has happened has happened. Arnav is your dad. We can work through things slowly and what you want will happen but we just wanted you to know that this is your dad.”

 

Giving a little smile, Arushi nodded and then got to her feet.

 

“Mama can I have some more ice cream?”

“Go ahead and ask the man for some more.”

 

I watched as my little girl walked off before turning my attention back to Khushi.

 

“I feel like this got slightly more messy than I had anticipated it to be.”

“Maybe a little but overall it was okay I guess. We didn’t know what we were really expecting.”

“Will we ever tell her the truth?”

“Maybe one day Arnav, but right now, she’s a child and she doesn’t need to know all the messy details about our lives.”

 

She had a point. No matter how mature Arushi was for her age, at the end of the day, she was just a child. Even if we tried to explain everything, it would be unfair to let so much onto her. Maybe one day we’d explain, but for now, we just needed to focus on making sure we did right by our little girl.

When Arushi returned, she seemed a lot calmer and a little bubblier. Averting the attention off of the topic of paternity, I asked Khushi how Arushi was allowed to have so much ice cream.

 

“Have you not heard about this place before?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“The ice cream served here is suited for all minorities. So they serve ice cream that’s suitable for diabetics, vegans, vegetarians, those who are lactose intolerant, those who have nut allergies, etc. For a while I was unable to find ice cream that Arushi could have and then this place opened up. We haven’t had ice cream from anywhere else since.”

“Well in that case I better go and get myself a bowl as well.”

 

Arushi giggled as I went up and got myself a bowl of diabetic friendly chocolate ice cream. Coming back to our table, I tucked in.

 

“Sir… I mean papa… I…”

 

Looking up from my bowl, I watched as Arushi tried to string her thoughts together. It was clear the whole teacher becomes father thing was a little hard for her to get her head around.

 

“You don’t have to call me papa yet if you think it’s a bit weird. You can just call me Sir or Mr R…”

 

Khushi looked as though she wanted to protest, but I stopped her. It didn’t matter what Arushi called me, I was her dad all the same. When she was ready, she would address me as her dad.

 

“Mr R, do you like ice cream more or jalebis more?”

“Is that a trick question? Of course I like jalebis more! Especially the ones your mom makes for me.”

“Same! I like jalebis more too!”

 

She put her little hand out to me and I gave her a high five. Khushi laughed as Arushi began telling me about how she could eat jalebis all day every day.

We made small talk. We spoke about the little things Arushi liked and I told her about the things I liked. Khushi sat back with a coffee and smiled as me and Arushi bonded.

 

*****

 

Much, much later, I strapped Arushi into her car seat in the back of Khushi’s car and placed a little kiss on top of her head. Shutting the car door, I took a step back and turned my attention to Khushi.

 

“Drive safe.”

“I will. You drive safe too.”

“Of course.”

 

She gave me a little smile as she started to roll the windows back up.

 

“Wait wait!”

 

Both Khushi and I turned our attention to Arushi. Khushi rolled Arushi’s window down again for her.

 

“Can we go out again one day?”

 

Her eyes were full of hope and excitement, just like how Khushi’s used to get.
I walked back up to Arushi’s window and crouched down so I was just the right height.

 

“Of course we can. I’ll speak to your mama about when I’m free and she can tell me when you’re both free and we can all do something nice together. Make a list of all the things you want us to do.”

 

Nodding enthusiastically, she clapped her hands together. Alerting her that they needed to leave, Khushi rolled Arushi’s window back up and gave me a smile.

This was just the beginning of a new journey. And it was going to be amazing.

 

*****

 

“No no no! You’re wrong! It was a cat!”

“I’m sure it was a baby tiger!”

 

Arushi looked at me as though I was nuts and then shook her head. I offered her my hand and she took as it we made our way back to my car after watching a new animated film at the cinema. Khushi wasn’t with us today because she had work and also because she just wanted me and Arushi to spend more time alone to get to know each other.

 

It’d been just over three weeks since I met Khushi and Arushi at the ice cream shop, and things had been going great. I saw Arushi often because it had been the school holidays. But now school has resumed and I could only see her at the weekends, unless Khushi had time in the evening to bring her round to mine for dinner.
We were juggling, but it was all going well.

As we neared the curb, Arushi took my hand as we prepared to cross the road. Just as we were about to go, a woman called out to Arushi, making us stop and turn. Two women were walking towards us.

 

“Hello auntie.”

“Oh Arushi sweetie, how are you? Where’s your mama?”

“She’s at work.”

 

The first woman turned her attention to me and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Hi I’m Arnav Singh Raizada, I’m Arushi’s…”

“Ah yes yes, I understand.”

 

What did she understand? Who was this woman and why was she looking at me like I was a crook? I watched as she placed a hand on my daughters shoulder.

 

“Be sure to tell your mom that I saw you today. And tell her you both should come by my house soon.”

“I will auntie.”

 

The woman Arushi has been talking to turned away and so we did too, ready to make our way to my car. As we stood at the curb waiting for the light to change again, I heard the woman start talking.

 

“Oh Sheila you know my friend Khushi, that’s her daughter.”

“Oh I see.”

“No you don’t see. She’s a single mother that lives as a paying guest with a man and his mother. To the outside world, it seems as though Raj is Arushi’s dad. But he’s nothing to either of them, Khushi’s just using him. Looks like she’s found another man to…”

 

How dare she? How dare she think like that of my Khushi? And she claims to be Khushi’s friend. I wasn’t going to stand for that.

Turning back, I tapped the woman on the shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I introduced myself properly. I’m Arnav Singh Raizada, Arushi’s father. Khushi’s husband.”

 

I watched as her expression dropped and Arushi’s hand in mine tightened.

 

“Khushi’s husband?”

“I’m going to request you to not speak about my wife or my family, especially if you don’t know the details.”

“Excuse…”

“Why me and Khushi have lived separately up until now is a personal matter and not something that needs to be common knowledge.”

 

With that, I turned away and me and Arushi made our way to the car without looking back. The nerve of some people was unbelievable.

 

Getting to the car, I strapped Arushi in proper and just as I moved back to shut her door, she took hold of my hand. I came back to her, crouching so I was level with her.

 

“What’s the master sweetheart?”

“You shouted at auntie for being rude about mama.”

 

It was a statement, not a question.

 

“Of course I did. You and your mama are important to me, you’re my family and I’m not going to stand for it when people are rude about either of you.”

“Please don’t tell mama, she’ll get upset.”

“I won’t tell, don’t worry.”

“Thanks papa.”

 

As she slowly let go of my hand and smiled at me, I felt my entire body heat up with pride and joy. My daughter called me papa for the first time!

 

*****

 

“You guys back?”

Raj shook my hand and gave Arushi a little hug. To begin with I wasn’t too fond of having him around my wife and daughter all the time, but as I got to know him better, I realised how much of a decent guy he was. He cared for my girls like they were his own family and he accepted me.

 

“We had a great time today didn’t we Arushi?”

 

She nodded and came and gave me a little hug. As Arushi let me go, she went to hold Raj’s hand and dragged him away to tell him all she did.

 

“Wait Raj, where’s Khushi?”

“She came home from work a little while ago, so she’s properly in her room after showering.”

“Can I go through?”

“Sure dude.”

 

I gave him a thumbs up and then made my way to Khushi’s room, stopping at her closed door. I gave it a little knock.

 

“Come in.”

 

I pushed the bedroom door open to find Khushi stood in front of the mirror with the pot of sindoor in her hand. Walking up behind Khushi, I wrapped one arm around her waist and pinched some sindoor with the other hand.

 

“Arnav…”

 

Taking the sindoor, I filled her parting the way I had done all those years ago when I married her.

I watched as Khushi smiled before wrapped my other arm around her too, holding her close to myself, pressing my pelvis against her ass.

 

“Hi.”

 

I dipped my face to her neck and placed a kiss there. She placed her hand on top of mine as she rested her head against my chest.

 

“Arnav, Arushi will…”

“She’s with Raj, telling him all about our day.”

 

I kissed her neck once more before pulling away.

 

“Arushi called me papa.”

 

Spinning in my arms, Khushi looked at me with wide eyes before hugging me.

 

“Oh my goodness! I’m so happy! Finally!”

“Part of my mission is complete, my daughter accepts me. Now for phase two?”

 

Pulling back slightly, she raised her eyebrow.

 

“What’s phase two?”

“Spending time with my wife.”

 

Blushing, Khushi looked down and fiddled with her bracelet. I placed my hands on her waist and she slowly looked up again.

 

“Me, you, dinner, tomorrow night at 8. Be ready babe.”

Unwanted ~ Interlude III

Nimisha

 

Tucking Pari into bed, I made my way back to my room and got changed.

Once changed and ready to get into bed, I turned the TV on and slipped in between my bed sheets. Laying back, resting against the headboard, I watched TV, letting myself unwind after a long day.

This is generally how my evenings went. After getting everything done and getting Pari off to sleep, I’d spend the evening either watching TV, reading a book, or getting work for the next day done. It wasn’t like I had to wait around for a husband. I could do what I want, when I wanted.

Just as my television show was getting to an interesting point, my phone started ringing. Sighing, I picked it up and checked caller ID. Ranveer.

 

“Hey…”

“How are you?”

“I’m good Ranveer, you?”

“I’m missing you and my baby girl. When are you both coming to see me again?”

 

I paused to think for a moment. Switching off the TV, I settled myself down, smiling to myself.

 

“Maybe we can come tomorrow. Pari has vacation from school now so…”

“That sounds great! I can’t wait to take both of you out.”

“I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Nimi maybe we should…”

“I agree, we should.”

“But how? Arnav won’t be pleased…”

“He’ll probably kill us both, but I’m tired of this. I just want to be with you so the three of us can finally be a proper family.”

“I want that too… When is Arnav coming back?”

“He’s meant to be coming back within the next couple of days, but who knows. Di’s been saying he’s been really preoccupied recently so who knows?”

“Hmm. Well let’s think about it. I’ll call you tomorrow morning and we can talk some more. Take care of yourself and give my baby a kiss.”

“I will do. Goodnight Ranveer.”

“Goodnight babe.”

 

I disconnected the call and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. For the longest time now, me and Ranveer have been trying to undo the mess that we had created 6 years ago. And now, finally, we were making headway.

I met Ranveer for the first time over six and a half years ago, not very long after Arnav and Khushi’s fake marriage. I had been upset, paranoid and insecure about my relationship with Arnav, fearful that he would fall in love with the woman that he’d married. I was filled with sorrow that his family didn’t like me. So I took my sorrows and insecurity to a bar.

And that’s where I met Ranveer.

We got talking, well… We got flirting. We both hit it off almost instantly. Maybe we should have realised then that we should just forget about our respective relationships and give a shot to whatever it was between us.

But any way, we got talking, one thing led to another and we ended up spending the night together.

People would assume we moved to fast, and perhaps we did. But we were two individuals who were in love with different people and wanted to be with them, but couldn’t. We wanted attention and we craved intimacy. Something we weren’t getting from our respective partners. So when we found each other, we took the opportunity with both hands.

That night we spent together was such a beautiful night.

The next morning, I was awoke by Ranveer’s phone constantly going off. So I took it upon myself to deal with the issue. I told his girl about us and hoped she’d back off.

But to my dismay, when Ranveer awoke, he expressed his regret regarding what we had done. I was shattered. Maybe it had been naive of me to assume that he would want to give our relationship a go, to assume that I had meant something to him. But I had assumed those things. He apologised, was courteous, But ultimately explained he loved his girl too much to let her go.

Fast forward a couple of days, me and Ranveer meet again. In Bali. When we had met it Delhi, we had briefly explained our situations to each other, but we hadn’t realised that our partners had gotten married to each other. That changed things between us.

We sat down and really spoke. Talking about our feelings about Arnav and Khushi and we realised that as much as we clicked with each other, we wanted to be with Arnav and Khushi. So that’s exactly what we tried to do. We went back to Arnav and Khushi and tried to make things work out with them, but I found that something had changed in Arnav. He didn’t want me anywhere near him. Ranveer too found that Khushi didn’t want to be with him.

He told me he and Khushi had a bad argument, that it was over between them. We’d both been rejected. We were both hurt. It was then we spent another night together. If our first night together had been perfect, this night was heaven. And as a result of that night, god blessed us with a beautiful baby girl. Not that we knew at the time.

Maybe I should have realised then that it was Ranveer that I wanted. But I was stupid, I still went back to Arnav, tried to convince him that I still wanted him, that I still wanted us to be together. But I was stupid. I was trying to convince him when I wasn’t even convinced myself. Maybe I should have avoided the situation altogether because Arnav spotted a love bite and he ended things with me there and then.

Maybe I should have backed off after that. I almost did…

 

*****

 

Time passed and me and Ranveer chose to embrace our relationship. Everything was going well, until we found out that we were pregnant.

Now neither of us really had an issue with having a child together. My family already knew about me and Ranveer and they had no issue with him, and he didn’t mind us having a child. We should have just accepted what was happening and just given your relationship a name. But instead the both of us tried to be smart.

We were stupid. We spoke about what we wanted and we spoke about Arnav and Khushi again. For some reason, both of us decided that we wanted to try to get back with them.
We decided that I would go to Arnav’s house, claiming that my baby was his. And Ranveer hoped that Khushi would leave Arnav and run into his arms.

We were stupid. We should have realised how we felt about each other. We should have embraced our relationship and left Arnav and Khushi alone. But we didn’t.

I went back to Arnav and he straight up denied that my child was his. I lied to him about how Pari could be his and he didn’t buy it. He didn’t buy it for even a moment. After Pari was born, Arnav demanded a paternity test. And that’s exactly what I did. We took a paternity test, but I made sure I swapped Arnav’s sample with Ranveer’s. The reports came back showing a match, but Arnav still failed to believe it. Our plan was futile.
And Khushi didn’t go back to Ranveer either. So we screwed up.

Both me and Ranveer quickly realised that we should have left things as they were. We made a mess for ourselves and we made a mess for Arnav and Khushi. But instead of just telling Arnav the truth, I chose to long out the lie, carry on living it. I should have backed away the moment I realised that it wasn’t going to work, but I didn’t.

I regretted my decision and I still do. We should have left Arnav and Khushi, we should have just carried on and moved on. But we didn’t. We were both stupid, fighting for a battle that was lost. We should have admitted that Arnav and Khushi were just extras in our lives, extras who led us to each other, but we were stupid.

But things were going to change now. Me and Pari were going to go to Ranveer. We were finally going to be a proper family. As soon as Arnav returned, this game was going to end.

 

Unwanted ~ Part 34

 

Arnav

 

“Khushi?”

 

Wait. What?! I’d been searching high and low and now… Here she was! She was actually here! Right in front of me! Basically in my arms. I’d done it! I’d found my Khushi.

 

“Arnav…”

 

She looked shocked, but not shocked enough. Raj must have gone home and told her that he saw me, that I was Arushi’s teacher.

 

“Hi…”

 

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ears, she looked down at her bag and then up at me again.

 

“I…”

 

I couldn’t believe it. I came here today to start considering tickets so I could go back home. I never in a million years thought that I’d bump into Khushi here.
I took her in. She hadn’t changed much at all. Her face was a little more rounded than it had been before but other than that, she looked pretty much the same.

Finally pulling myself out of my trance, I moved in and took her into my arms, hugging her.

 

“I can’t believe I’ve found you.”

“I…”

“Why did you leave me like that Khushi? I searched the world for you but you managed to vanish into thin air. But it doesn’t matter. It’s late but at least I found you.”

“You we’re looking for me?”

“From the moment I woke up to an empty bed to now. I never stopped.”

 

I wanted to mention Arushi. But I wanted Khushi to tell me about her herself.

 

“So… How have you been?”

 

Really Arnav? Really? I sounded like a teenager, trying to talk to a girl I fancy.

 

“Listen Arnav, I’m really busy, I need to…”

“We need to talk Khushi.”

“I know but I…”

“What are you even doing here?”

 

Now I find my voice. She looked around a little anxious.

 

“I… I came to get tickets…”

“Oh are you going on holiday?”

 

She hesitated for a moment too longer before nodding. She was planning on running away.

 

“Let’s go to my place so we can catch up.”

 

She looked horrified at the idea, and shook her head. I reached out for her, taking her hand into my own.

 

“Please. I need to talk to you.”

 

It was obvious from her expression that she didn’t want to go home with me, but there was no way I was going to let her go today. There was so much we needed to talk about, I needed to make sure that she came with me.

 

“Khushi…”

“Okay, but I need to make a call first.”

“Of course.”

 

I moved away a little to give her some space. This was actually amazing! I found my Khushi! Pulling my own phone out of my pocket, I thought to text Payal, to tell her the good news. But then I thought against it. It would be better to speak to Khushi first. I waited, and in no time Khushi wrapped her call up and came towards me.

 

“My house is only a five minutes walk, but if you want I can call us a cab.”

“Actually, I’ve got my car with me…”

“You drive now?”

 

For the first time, a little smile played on her lips and her cheeks went the lightest shade of pink.

 

“I passed about 3 years ago.”

“Wow! That’s great Khushi! Well I guess lead the way to your car my lady.”

 

Fishing in her bag, I watched as she pulled her keys out and she walked in front of me, leading me back to the car park. I waited until she clicked the car and I saw a little silver Toyota unlock.

 

“Nice car.”

“Thank you. It’s not quite your SUV but…”

“I love it. It’s very you.”

“Do you still have your SUV?”

“I do, although I rarely drive it now. I brought a newer SUV, which is my everyday car, but I didn’t have the heart to part with my original SUV.”

 

She gave a little nod as she got into the car and then I got in too. In no time, we were off.

I’ll admit, I was a little apprehensive about her driving, but the moment she got the car going, it was evident she knew what she was doing and that she was a fairly experienced driver.

I directed her towards my place and she got us there in less than five minutes.

Getting out of the car, I made my way over to the door and waited for her as she locked the car and followed me. Placing my hand on the small of her back, I led her in and shut the door behind her. I felt every single muscle in her back tense under my touch.

Leading her into the living room, I told her to take a seat while I went over to the landline and checked voicemail. I had one message.

 

“Hi chote, I’m calling on your landline because I couldn’t get through to you on your phone. Just a quick message to say everything is fine at home but call me when you have the time.”

 

Di. She needed to check in everyday, and if by chance I didn’t speak to her, she’d be sure to leave a message on voicemail. Turning my attention back to Khushi, I asked what she’d like to drink.

 

“Tea or coffee. What am I saying, you want tea of course.”

“No, I’ll have a coffee please.”

 

I felt like she’d hit me round the head.

 

“You drink coffee?”

“Not as much as you used to, but yes. I drink coffee now.”

“Well damn. Let me just go and quickly make you my special coffee and then we can talk.”

 

Going back to the kitchen, I made the coffees as quickly as I could and took out some cakes and biscuits. Putting everything on a tray, I went back into the living room and set the tray on a table. Putting her mug down in front of her, I sat down beside her, keeping a respectable distance between us.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Picking up her cup, she took a sip and smiled.

 

“How did you make this? It’s great.”

“I put my secret ingredient in.”

“Well whatever it is, it tastes great.”

 

She smiled and then turned back to her drink. I watched as she slowly drank her coffee and I too drank mine. I wanted to talk to her, ask her about herself, ask her about our daughter. But I didn’t know how to broach the topic. More than that, I just wanted to take her into my arms, kiss her senseless, maybe take her to bed and make love to her the way I’ve been dreaming about for the last six years. But we needed to take things slowly, we needed to talk about a lot of things first.

When she finished her coffee, she put her mug down and I put mine down too.

 

“So… What did you want to talk about?”

“How have you been?”

“I’ve been okay. How about you Arnav? And how is everyone at home?”

“Everyone at home is good. Did you know, Akash and Payal got married?”

 

I knew this was new information to her, but watching her expression, watching her jaw drop in shock, I got the reaction that I wanted.

 

“Jiji and Akash… No way?!”

“After you left things were hard for Payal. Me and Payal both tried to help each other through you leaving. And somehow, somewhere along the lines, Akash managed to provide her with the support that she needed and they fell in love. So they got married.”

“I can’t believe…”

“They have a beautiful little boy together now. Akshay. He turned two a couple of months ago.”

“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe…”

 

Pulling out my phone, I showed her a picture of little Akshay with Shalini.

 

“Oh he’s gorgeous! He looks so much like Akash… Wait I guess I have to call him jijaji now! But he has jiji’s eyes.”

“He’s Payal’s happiness. After the wedding, it took her a while to settle. I think she found it hard to be at Shantivan, knowing it was your home but not having you around. But things really changed when she got pregnant. We actually saw Payal smiling and since Akshay was born, she’s always happy.”

“I’m so glad. Who’s this little girl? Is she yours…”

“That’s Shalini. She Di and jijaji’s. She turned five and half recently. Just after you left, Di found out she was about 3 months pregnant.”

 

I watched as Khushi smiled, taking in the two little angels on my screen. Tears gathered in her eyes and she pushed them away.

 

“I can’t believe…”

“Shalini asks about her Bari Mami all the time. And I’m sure little Akshay wouldn’t mind being spoilt by his maasi.”

“I can’t believe… When did so much time pass?”

“You walked away and you never looked back Khushi. But for us, the last six years have dragged on. And I… I’ve missed you. Every second of every day for the past six years.”

 

She looked away from me and looked down, letting out a little sigh.

 

“Have you not missed me Khushi?”

 

Her head snapped up, eyes looking at me questioningly.

 

“Of course I have.”

“Then why did you leave me?”

“You know why.”

 

And I did know why. But that didn’t mean that I agreed.

 

“Did you guys have a boy or a girl?”

“A girl. Nimisha named her Pari.”

 

She gave a little smile, but it was a sad smile. What was she thinking about? What was going through her head? Was she thinking about how much our daughter lost out on because of another little girl?

 

“That’s lovely. I also heard you and Nimisha got married. Congratulations. Do you guys have any other children together? Or are you planning another child?”

 

Was she being serious? Did she really think that me and Nimi…

 

“Pari isn’t mine.”

 

The smile that had been on Khushi’s face a moment ago slipped away.

 

“What?”

“Pari isn’t my child. Me and Nimisha don’t have a child together, nor are we planning a child together. I’m married to her but our marriage doesn’t mean anything, nor is it even accounted for in the eyes of the law. I married her to save her name and to save the Raizada family name.”

 

I moved closer to Khushi, places my hand on her knee.

 

“You’re my wife, my legally wedded wife. The only woman I want to be with, the only woman I want to have a family with. Nimisha and Pari may have my name attached to theirs, but they don’t mean anything to me. They aren’t my family.”

“But… Why would Nimisha say…”

“I don’t know what Nimisha’s game is, and frankly I don’t care any more. I know Pari isn’t my child and Nimi doesn’t even try to convince me that she is any more.”

 

Khushi looked completely confused, she didn’t know what to think and I didn’t blame her. Taking her hands into mine, I turned her face so that she was looking at me.

 

“I told you six years ago and I’m telling you now, I know Pari isn’t mine. I don’t feel for her the way a father should feel about his child. I don’t feel anything towards her. I don’t feel about her the way I feel about Arushi.”

 

Eyes wide, Khushi took her hands out of mine.

 

“W.. Wha… What?”

“I know Khushi.”

“Arushi… She’s not…”

 

Was she actually going to try and convince me that Arushi wasn’t mine? That Arushi wasn’t our baby?

 

“The moment I met her, I was attached to her. The more I looked at her, the more I saw her in you. I was so dumb, I thought she was a relative of yours, maybe a cousin or a niece. I didn’t for a moment think she was your daughter. And then I started speaking to Arushi, I looked at her file and… I started putting the pieces together, tried to make sense of it. And it finally fit me. On parents evening, I expected you to walk through that door with Arushi. But then Raj… But speaking to him also helped because I got a better picture. That evening I was certain that Arushi was our child and I knew I needed to find you.”

“Arnav…”

“How could you do that Khushi? How could you keep me away from my child like that? You left me so that Pari would get her fathers love, but then you let our child grow up without her dad? How could you do that?”

 

Tears started falling and I shuffled closer to her, holding her. I felt tears prick my own eyes.

 

“Not only did you deprive me of having you in my life, you took my daughter away from me. You kept our daughter to yourself, didn’t even give me an indication that she existed… How could you?”

“I… I’m sorry… Raj and Veera mausi kept telling me to talk to you, to tell you about Arushi. But I found out about your marriage and I thought… I was scared… I thought maybe… I thought you didn’t want me any more. And I was scared that if I told you about Arushi, you’d take her from me and raise her with Nimisha… I left you, Arushi was all I had. If I had her taken away I…”

“I’d never have taken her from you.”

 

Placing my arm around her, she tucked herself into my arms, holding onto my collar as she let herself cry.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

I barely heard her little mumble, but I heard it. Pressing a light kiss on the top of her head, I held her close to myself. After years and years, I felt content. This is where she belonged. With me, in my arms. My world was complete.

Well… Almost complete. All that was missing was our little girl. But soon, she too would be in my arms. I was sure of it.

Unwanted ~ Part 33

Khushi

 

I couldn’t believe what Raj was telling me, how could it be true. How could it be possible?

 

“What are you saying Raj? How is that possible?”

“I didn’t think it was possible but he was there, I spoke to him!”

“Are you sure?”

“Khushi, I know what Arnav Singh Raizada looks like. Even before you came into my life, I’d been following Arnav’s work closely. I know who he is.”

“But why would he be teaching five year olds?”

“I told you, he said he was helping a friend out.”

 

Sinking my hand into my hair, I sat down on the sofa. None of this was making any sense to me, how could it be possible…

 

“Has he realised?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, he asked me about Arushi’s dad because he’s read her file and I told him that her dad wasn’t in the picture. He didn’t really ask anything else.”

 

It was clear what I needed to do. Arnav wasn’t dumb, if he had any suspicions, he would start putting pieces together and he’d be able to figure it out. And Raj had told him more than I was comfortable with him knowing. I needed to get out of here.

 

“I need to leave Raj. I need to take Arushi and I need to get out of Mumbai.”

 

My words had caught Raj off guard. I don’t think he thought that I would consider leaving, but I needed to. Arnav couldn’t find us. He had his own life now and his own family. There was no space in his life for me and Arushi.

 

“Leaving… You can’t.”

“I have to. If he finds us…”

“Then we’ll deal with it! You can’t just leave!”

“I have no choice Raj.”

 

He took a step towards me, reaching out to me.

 

“Look, Arnav said he’s leaving soon. How about we all just lie low until he’s out of town. You can’t just uproot your life and move away.”

“I’ve done it before, I can do it again.”

“But things are different this time. It’s not just you. You have to think about Arushi too. This is her home, her life, me and mom, we’re a part of her family. She has friends here. Taking her away will mean having to start all over again and she’s only a child. Starting over for her isn’t as easy as starting over for you.”

“I know but…”

“Please Khushi.”

 

Looking up at Raj, he was practically begging. All he needed to do was get onto his knees and hold his hands together.

 

“Please don’t leave. You and Arushi are a huge part of my life, I don’t know what I’d do if you both weren’t around.”

“But Arnav…”

“He’ll leave soon. And even if he doesn’t, I’ll protect you and Arushi. Even if he wants to take you both back, or if he tried to take Arushi from you, I will protect you both and I’ll fight him. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave.”

 

Over the years, Raj has done so much for both me and Arushi and he’s never asked for anything. He cared for us without asking for anything in return. I realised it was unfair just to walk away from him now but… What if Arnav found us?

 

“I don’t know…”

“Marry me Khushi. I know, I know how you feel regarding this idea, but I’m not asking you to marry me because I want marriage. I’m asking you to marry me so I can have some form of legality over you and Arushi. That way even if Arnav tried to do anything, it would be harder.”

“But marriage…”

“Please just think about it.”

 

What do I say, what do I do? I don’t want to get married. Can I even get married? I’m still married to Arnav. But Raj had a point. If I was married to him, it would change a lot. But I couldn’t marry Raj. I wouldn’t be doing it for the right reasons.

 

“At least think about it.”

“I will.”

 

And I meant it. I would think about it. Because at the end of the day, if I wasn’t going to go back to Arnav then I would have to start thinking about what I was going to do and how I was going to spend the rest of my life.

Still highly confused, I made my way up to my room.

There was no doubt about how Raj felt about me and Arushi, he really cared for us both and we cared for him. But did I care for him enough to actually want to get married to him?

Instead of going to my room, I walk passed Arushi’s and saw that she was sat doing her homework. Whatever decision I made, I needed to make sure that it was the best option for my daughter. I had to put her first. My little girl did need a dad. As much as she had Raj, she needed a real dad. Maybe Raj could be a real dad. As real as he can be without being her biological father?

Thinking about everything that Raj had told me about his meeting with Arnav, there was no doubt that Arnav wouldn’t be a good father. He was a teacher of five year olds and he was able to handle them all so well. But then he does have his own child… Maybe it’s because he’s a good father to his child, that’s helped him to be such a good teacher.

I felt so confused. So so confused.

Feeling a hand close around my shoulder, I turned to find Veera mausi looking at me intently.

Guiding me away from Arushi’s room, she led me back to mine and sat me down.

 

“What are you thinking about dear?”

“I’m just thinking about everything Raj has told me today.”

“It must be a lot to take in.”

 

That was an understand statement. It wasn’t a lot, it was an insane amount.

 

“He’s here mausi. Right here! And he’s been in such close proximity to our daughter. In my heart, as much as I say I don’t want Arushi bear Arnav, I’ve always wanted her to meet him, to know him. And to find out that she has been around him, has got to know him…”

 

Placing her hand on mine, she made it clear that she understood what I was trying to say, what I was thinking.

 

“What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, from what I heard from you and Raj, it sounds like he’s thinking the same way I am. But I do understand your dilemma. Well regardless of whatever decision you make, I’ll stand by your decision. You’re like a daughter to me any way, so whether or not you marry me son, I will still support you.”

 

I know how much it means to Veera mausi that I marriage Raj. But the fact that she supports and respects what I want, means a lot.

 

*****

 

Days passed and I started to feel slightly more at ease. The school term had ended so Arushi no longer had to be in such close proximity of Arnav and soon he’d be leaving.
I had thought about Raj and his proposal, but I realised that I couldn’t. No matter what security I could get by marrying him, it wasn’t worth it. I would never be able to give Raj the love her deserves and I don’t want him to have to sacrifice the chance of finding true love and happiness for my sake.

Moving further on from that, I realised that regardless of whether Arnav was still here or not, me and Arushi needed to leave. If we stayed, Raj would never be able to move forward with his life. And I wanted him to be happy, to get married, to have children of his own. It was due to all that of that I decided me and Arushi were going to Goa. Next week.

 

*****

 

“Raj, Veera mausi, I would like to speak to you about something.”

 

It was after dinner and Arushi had already gone to bed.

 

“What is it dear?”

 

Putting my spoon down and pushing my plate away from me, I took a deep breath.

 

“I have decided that… I… I have decided that me and Arushi are leaving here.”

“What?”

 

Mausi looked at me with big eyes, and Raj dropped his spoon, which clattered onto the floor.

 

“Khushi…”

“I know this wasn’t the response that you both were expecting, however, I think this is the best option for myself and Arushi.”

 

Veera mausi was the first to recover, while Raj continued to stare at me dumbstruck.

 

“But where will you go? And why?”

“I’ve been looking into moving to Goa. And it’s because I just feel like I need to move on with life. I have burdened you and Raj with my problems for so long. I think the time has come for me and Arushi to start our own life.”

 

Pushing his chair back, Raj got to his feet.

 

“What the hell Khushi!”

 

He wasn’t impressed.

 

“How can… How can you just decide that you’re going to leave like that?”

“It wasn’t an easy decision…”

“Arnav’s going to leave, that’s if he hasn’t left already. Why can’t you stay? Why are you…”

 

He didn’t finish what he was saying because he’d already turned away from me. Walking over to where he was standing, I placed my hand on his shoulder.

 

“Raj… Please look at me.”

 

He shook his head and remained with his back to me.

 

“Raj I know you’re angry and I know you weren’t expecting this, but I really think…”

“No I get it, you don’t see me and ma as being a part of your family, that’s why you’re leaving us. I told you how much you and Arushi mean to me and you’re still… If you were telling me you were going to back Arnav, I would accept that. But to leave us just to go somewhere else…”

“I’m sorry…”

 

He turned to face me, and looked me straight in the eye.

 

“You can leave, I won’t stop you, but I hope to god Arnav finds you. You haven’t even left and I already feel betrayed. Only god knows how he would have felt when you walked out on him without even telling him.”

 

I was gobsmacked. Raj had never spoken to me like that. But he was angry and I could understand why he was reacting like this. He loved Arushi as if she were his own and I was taking her away. I understood.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Shaking his head, he left the dining room and made his way up to his room, leaving me with Veera mausi.

 

“Mausi…”

“I have always said that I will respect whatever decision you make, but I will have to admit, I am disappointed you have chosen not to marry Raj.”

“I can’t mausi. You know that and you know why. I’m still married to Arnav. And more than that, I still love Arnav. It would be unfair on Raj. I’d never be able to accept him or love him the way he deserves. In fact… I am leaving for his sake. While I am here, I don’t think he will marry. Maybe once I leave, he will start considering his own marriage. I will forever be grateful to the both of you, and it is due to how much I care about you both that I have come to this decision.”

 

I could tell that mausi was taking in what I was saying, that she was comprehending and she was understanding.

 

“I just wish you weren’t leaving. You really are the daughter I never had.”

 

Rushing over to her, I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a huge hug.

 

“Thank you mausi. Thank you so much.”

 

Tears rolled down my eyes as I realised what this meant. I was leaving. Really leaving. I was leaving the people who accepted a complete stranger and loved her and her child like their own. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this.

 

“Our home is going to be incomplete without you and Arushi.”

“And my life is going to be incomplete without you and Raj, but I think this is the best for all of us.”

 

Me And Veera Mausi hugged each other, realising that this was the end of a chapter in both our lives. And although this wasn’t the happiest of endings, it was an ending still full of hope. There was no way I was going to forget about Raj and Mausi, nor would I lose touch with them, but there comes a point in everyone’s life when we need to leave our comfort zone and move forward. And it was time for me and Arushi to do just that.

 

*****

 

Waking up early the next morning, I got my stuff together and grabbed my keys. I needed to go and buy plane tickets for myself and Arushi.

After Raj had calmed down, he’d come to find me. He’d asked me what my plan was, where was I going to stay, and more important, how was I going to get there.

Initially I had thought that I would just drive there, however after looking at the route, and looking at how long it would take, I decided against it. Me and Arushi were going to go to Goa via plane and Raj was going to drive my car down there and then come back via flight. I told him about the flat that I had found that was up for rent and told him that I had already spoken to the landlord.

I think he was quite surprised when he realised just how much I had actually decided and sorted in the short space of time.

Letting Veera Mausi know that I was going to get our tickets sorted and after asking her to keep an eye on Arushi, I left to go to the travel agent that I had spoken to. Taking my leave, I left the house, got into my car and made my way into town.

 

*****

 

Parking my car, I got out, locked it, and then made my way down to the travel agents office. Upon arriving at the door of the travel agents, I stopped to take my phone out so I could tell the agent exactly which flight it was that I had looked into and that I wanted.

Fumbling with my bag, I dropped my keys in and tried to locate my phone. Just as I managed to fish my phone out, someone bumped into me, causing me to drop it back into my bag.

 

“Dammit.”

“Khushi?”

 

Shit. Shit shit shit. Even without looking up I knew exactly who I’d bumped into. SHIT.

 

Slowly looking up, I found myself looking into a pair of molten brown eyes. A pair of eyes that didn’t look necessarily surprised to see me, especially because he’s seeing me after six long years, but still surprised.

 

“Arnav…”

 

 

Unwanted ~ Part 32

Arnav

After the initial paranoia on my birthday about what was going on with Nimisha and Pari, I realised that I really didn’t care. It didn’t bother me what was going on with them. If they weren’t bothering me, then that was a good thing.

My time here in Mumbai and at the school was almost over. I had a week left and after that, I would be in my way back to Delhi, back to my usual life. In a way, I was looking forward to going back, but at the same time I wasn’t. I was going to miss the kids. There was a little boy, Sumit, who I really got along with. He was a funny little guy, always knew the right things to say.

And then of course there was Arushi. The stranger who didn’t feel like a stranger. Even after all this time, I didn’t know why this child felt so familiar, like I should know her.

I’m sure if I said this out loud, or if I explained how I was drawn to this child, people would think wrongly of it, that they’d disapprove of it. Probably never let me work with kids again. But it was nothing like that. This child felt like someone close to me, like a relative. It’s an indescribable feeling. If anything, I guess it’s the way a father would feel towards his child. But there was no reason for me to feel paternal towards this child.

 

*****

 

I was in full flow, teaching the children how to put letters together to make new sounds. I was teaching them the concept that s and h together make a “sh” sound. And it was then that my phone started ringing. Reaching over my desk, I muted my phone so that I could carry on. Just as I was getting back into my flow, my phone started ringing once more. This time I picked my phone up off the desk. Payal was calling me? Why was Payal calling? And why was it so urgent that she needed to get hold of me right now? Had something happened? Khushi?

As it dawned on me that Payal could be calling me with something regarding Khushi, I knew I needed to answer the call.

But I couldn’t take a personal call while in the middle of a lesson. Looking at the time, I saw that there wasn’t long until the children would go for their lunch. I’d have to call Payal back then.

 

*****

 

Time seemed to crawl along, but soon enough it was lunchtime. The moment I got all the children to the canteen, I ran back to the classroom and called Payal back.

 

“Payal…”

“Bhai! I only realised after the second call you were in class but…”

“Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

“I got a letter. From Khushi.”

 

I felt like I stopped breathing for a moment. There must have been something in that letter. Otherwise why else would Payal have been so desperate to try to get a hold of me?

 

“What… What did the letter say?”

 

There was a pause, maybe it was for only a few seconds, but it felt like eternity.

 

“Payal…”

“She said she saw you.”

 

Now I really did stop breathing. Khushi saw me? Meaning Khushi was… She’s here? In Mumbai.

 

“Should I read the letter to you?”

“Yes please.”

 

There was another pause and there was some rustling, but then Payal came back to the phone and she started reading the letter out to me. The moment she started reading and as I started taking the words in, it was abundantly clear that Khushi had seen me and that she didn’t want to be seen. I understood her insecurities and I understood her confusion.

 

“Payal, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone at home about this. About the fact that Khushi saw me and that I know where she is.”

“Of course.”

“Let me find her and then we’ll decide how to go forward. But for now, let’s keep this between us.”

“Okay bhai. Please, find her. She’s close by. Please find her.”

“I promise you Payal. I am going to find her and I’m going to bring her back.”

 

At that point, I wasn’t just making a promise to Payal, but to myself and Khushi as well. I was going to find her regardless of anything else. Even if it was the last thing I did, I was going to find her. But how was the real question.

 

*****

 

After thinking about all things Khushi related for a while, it became clear that I could leave Mumbai like I planned to. So I’d be leaving this job still, but I couldn’t go back to Delhi yet. I needed to find her. I wasn’t going to go back to Delhi without her.

But how was I meant to find her?

Just as the lunch break was coming to an end, Veer walked into my classroom.

 

“Hey, you okay?”

“I’m good Arnav, yourself? How do you feel that you’re leaving at the end of the week?”

“I’m glad that I’m nearly done, but at the same time, I’m really going to miss the kids.”

“I’m sure they’re going to miss you too. Any way, I came to let you know that on Wednesday evening, you have to hold a parents evening and meet with the parents of the kids. As it’s the end of term, you need to give progress reports.”

“That’s fine. What do I need to do to prepare?”

“Just take out the file for the kids of your class, write the letters to the parents and specify what time you’d like to come in.”

 

It seemed straight forward enough. I told Veer that I’d get it all sorted and just as he was about to leave, I decided I should try my luck.

 

“Hey Veer, random as it is, I just wanted to ask, have you seen Khushi around Mumbai?”

“You wife?”

“Yeah?”

“No I haven’t. Why? Is she here?”

“I don’t know, was just curious.”

 

I watched Veer. He seemed to be racking his brains, trying to remember if he had seen her. I told him not to worry about it and he left just as the kids started coming back to class.

I turned away, and it was then then that I heard a little voice behind me.

 

“My mama’s name is Khushi.”

 

Turning around, my eyes widened as I saw the source of the little voice. Arushi.

 

*****

 

For the rest of that afternoon, I was completely dazed. Arushi’s mother was called Khushi. Once the children left at the end of the day, I remained in the classroom, in my chair, thinking.

Slowly all the pieces of information I knew about Arushi started fitting together.

The mother who made amazing jalebis, single mother. Father with the same birthday as me. A father who wasn’t in the picture because he was working in Delhi. A diabetic…

Running a hand through my hair, I realised that this was insane. Was Arushi… Was she… I couldn’t even think about it, couldn’t comprehend. It felt like a huge bag of bricks had just been dropped on my head. I recalled everything I had thought and felt since I first met Arushi. That feeling of knowing her. I thought back to how I thought she was a relative of Khushi’s. Never for a moment did I even consider that maybe this child was… I couldn’t even say it.

I needed to check my facts before I got ahead of myself. Getting to my feet, I pretty much ran down to the office and asked for the staff for all the files on the kids in my class.

Once I got them, I took them back to my classroom and dug out Arushi’s one first.

 

Name: Arushi Singhania.

Singhania? Where did this name from? I carried on reading.

Mother : Khushi Singhania.

This must be how Khushi went under the radar. She used a different surname, one I would never have thought of. I carried on reading through her file, looking for any details that could refer to her father. But there was no father listed, no contact details for a dad. The only mention of her father was in the notes, where it said that Arushi had diabetes and that it was inherited from her dad.

Leaning back in my chair, I put my hands on my head, taking it all in, trying to comprehend.

Looking at the date of birth, I counted back 9 months. And sure enough, it went back to around the time Khushi left me. If this was my Khushi and I was right, then it means that Khushi was very, very early pregnant when she left me. Too early to tell. She probably hadn’t known herself at the time that she was pregnant.

Putting all the pieces together, I had conclusive evidence to believe that Arushi’s mother and my Khushi were the same person. And that Arushi… Arushi was my… My daughter.

I couldn’t believe it. COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. I had a daughter. Arushi…

Oh my god.

 

*****

 

Parents evening time had arrived and I met one parent after another. As I ticked the kids off, I got closer and closer to Arushi’s name, meaning closer to Khushi. How would she react when she saw me? Would she turn and bolt? Or would she just freeze up?

Time went on as I carried on meeting with the other parents until finally, I was awaiting on Arushi and her mother…

Sitting in my chair, I leaned back, shut my eyes, and tried to steady my breathing.

It was then there was a knock on my door.

Sitting up straight, I smoothed down my tie and ran my hand through my hair.

 

“Come in.”

 

This was it. If my suspicions were correct, then Khushi would be walking in now.

Arushi rushed into the room, and following close behind her was… A man? Arushi said hi, but my eyes remained fixed on the man in front of me, who also looked taken aback upon seeing me.

Who was he? Where was Khushi? Pulling myself together, I got to my feet and put my hand out to the man.

 

“Hi, I’m Ar…”

”Arnav Singh Raizada.”

 

As he walked towards me, he shook his head, pulled himself together and came and shook my hand.

 

“I’m Raj Singhania, Arushi’s father.”

 

Arushi’s father? But I thought Arushi didn’t have a dad? What on earth? What was happening?

 

“Please take a seat.”

 

Raj sat down opposite me, while Arushi went to the back of the classroom and started playing with the little toys that I’d left out.

 

“I didn’t realise you teach Mr Raizada.”

“I don’t. My friend owns the school so I’m just doing him a favour. This is my last couple of days.”

“Oh I see. Well seeing as I’ve had the pleasure to meet you, I’d just like to say that I’m a huge fan of your work and your business. I’ve been following the performance of your business very carefully.”

”Thanks. But we can discuss that later, let’s talk about Arushi.”

 

I still didn’t understand what was going on. Who this guy actually was. Nothing was making sense, but for now, I needed to do my job.
So I opened up my file and I started talking through all the notes that I’d made on Arushi over the past couple of months.

 

“So all in all, you have a very talented child and she’s a pleasure to work with.”

 

Looking up from her toys, Arushi smiled at me and then looked away again.

Now that I’d actually thought about it, her resemblance with Khushi was striking. She had to be my Khushi’s daughter. And she had to be my daughter. I was sure if it.

As the meeting neared it end, I realised that I needed to ask Raj more otherwise I’d never be able to rest in peace.

 

“I’m sorry if this is intrusive, but when I was looking at the records of children when inviting parents, I didn’t realise that Arushi had a father. I mean, you’re not listed as her father. I was under the impression her dad wasn’t in the picture?”

 

I don’t think Raj expected me to ask this because he looked slightly taken aback. But I knew I had to ask him. Given everything that I had learnt, I didn’t understand how he fit into the equation.

 

“I… I’m not really her dad.”

”What do you mean?”

 

I watched as he turned to Arushi who was in her own little world before he turned back to me. Letting out a little sigh, I watched as he recomposed himself.

 

“Arushi and her mother are paying guests at my house. They live with me and my mother, have done for over 6 years now. Well her mother has been with us for over six years, Arushi came into the picture afterwards.

A couple of years ago, Arushi got teased by the children in school about how she didn’t have a dad. So I guess you can say I stepped up for the role. But she knows I’m not actually her dad so it’s okay.”

 

If my suspicions were correct about Arushi being mine and Khushi’s child, then that means Arushi suffered a whole lot because I wasn’t around. But in my defence, I didn’t even know she existed.

 

“Where is Arushi’s father?”

 

Raj hesitated. Did he know who Arushi’s father was? Did he know that I was her dad?

 

“He… He doesn’t live around here.”

 

Looking at his watch, Raj got to his feet.

 

“I’m sorry to call out meeting short but I need to get going.”

 

He was escaping. My questions were making him uncomfortable and that further solidified my suspicions. I was damn sure Arushi was my Khushi’s child. Mine and Khushi’s child. She had to be. Answer Raj knew Arushi was mine.

I needed to find Khushi and I needed to find her soon. If this really was my Khushi and if Arushi really was my daughter, it means I’ve missed out on years with her and I need to fix things to make up for lost time. I needed to find Khushi.

 

I needed to.

Unwanted ~ Part 31

Khushi

“Mama mama! Can you make special jalebis for my Mr Raichanda?”

”Your special jalebis?”

“Haan mama! It was Sir’s birthday today. And did you know, he got sugar ki bimaari too like me!”

 

I looked at Arushi, and I’m pretty sure that my eyes were bulging out of my head. Her Mr Raichanda has the same birthday as Arnav? Is diabetic like Arnav? Even his name… Could it be…

No no, of course not. It’s not possible. It’s just a coincidence. That’s it. Purely coincidental.

 

“I’ll make jalebis for your teacher and you can take them tomorrow.”

“Yay! Thank you mama.”

 

Placing a quick kiss on my cheek, Arushi rushed away. Something about all this was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Everything about this man made me think about Arnav but it couldn’t be. Of course it couldn’t be. I was just overthinking, worrying for no reason.

 

*****

 

Have you ever realised how quickly the weekend comes round? Some weeks it feels like the week doesn’t end, whereas other times, Saturday seems to come round so quickly.

It was Saturday today, and me, Raj and Arushi had come to the mall. I needed to pick some bits up for myself and Arushi and Raj decided to tag along with us.

 

“Mama! I just remembered! I forgot to tell you that my teacher said that the jalebis were the best jalebis he’s eaten in a long time and that you make them exactly like his wife makes them.”

“Oh that’s good, that means he liked them?”

“He said he loved them!”

 

Hearing this made me feel some kind of relief. Since hearing about Mr Raichanda being a diabetic who shared the same birthday as Arnav, I had been worried about the what ifs. But hearing that this man was married and his wife made him good jalebis put me at ease. I mean, I know Arnav is married to Nimisha, but she never struck me as the type to make jalebis like me. So it couldn’t be Arnav. Surely not.

Turning my attention back to my daughter, I watched as she tugged at Raj’s arm because she saw a large bear walking around. It was one of those, where there was someone inside a bear costume, trying to promote something. But Arushi was still to young to realise that there was a normal person inside.

 

“No Arushi, we need to get you new shoes.”

”PLEASE mama!”

 

She looked up at me with big eyes. But I was immune to her big eyes. Raj however was not.

 

“I’ll take her to see the bear. You go and pick anything you need and we’ll meet you at the shoe shop in 20 minutes.”

 

Jumping, Arushi hugged Raj’s leg before taking his had again and dragging him towards the bear. I looked around myself and decided that maybe I should go and get myself a coffee while I waited for them.

Walking over to the little cafe, I ordered myself a coffee and took it to a little table by the window.
There used to be a time when I hated coffee. I used to make a coffee for Arnav every morning and he would force me to take a sip and I never would. Then one day, I actually did take a sip and I positively hated it.

But since coming here, I found myself drinking more and more coffee. I still wasn’t on Arnav’s level of coffee drinker, but I didn’t mind it either.

Taking my phone out of my bag, I scrolled though my messages, replied to a couple and then put my phone back. Picking up my coffee, I took a little sip and looked out of the window and then looked away again.

 

Wait a minute…

 

Eyes wide, I looked back out of the window again and there… There he was.

Blinking twice and rubbing my eyes, I needed to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating and I wasn’t.

There, stood just across from the coffee shop was Arnav. I should turn away, make sure he didn’t see me, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. There he was. Rubbing my eyes one more time, I needed to make sure that he was actually real. Closing my eyes and opening them again, he was still there. He was real.

I felt frozen, stuck. I didn’t know what to do. Quickly turning away, I needed to get out of here and fast. Arnav couldn’t find me. I remained sat in my seat and when I looked out the window again, he was gone.

What… How? Did he know that I…

Taking my phone back out, I called Raj.

 

“Khushi?”

“Raj, I’m going to the car, come quickly. We need to leave.”

“But Arushi’s shoes…”

“Please. I need to go home now.”

“Khushi…”

“Please Raj! Just bring her and let’s go!”

 

I disconnected the call before he could say anything more and left the coffee shop. I looked over my shoulder at least a million times as I made my way back to the car. Arnav wasn’t following me and I don’t think he saw me.

Once I got to the car, I tried to stay hidden behind it, just in case Arnav did turn up, but he didn’t.

What was he doing here? How was he here? Arnav didn’t have any business in Mumbai? I mean he had his branch of AR, but he never really came down here. If anything needed to be done, he’d send Akash or mama ji. He never actually came to Mumbai himself. So why now? Did he somehow find out that I was here?

Hitting the side of my head lightly, I pushed that thought away. He wasn’t here because of me. He’s moved on with his life. He’s married to Nimisha. He wasn’t here for me. He must be here due to his own personal work. But regardless, I needed to lie low. I didn’t want to have to bump into Arnav randomly. I couldn’t deal with that.

It took me a while, but I remembered that day when Raj had seen in the paper that Arnav was in town due to business. I had forgotten all about that. So that’s why he was here. He must still be in down due to work regarding AR. That made me feel a little bit of peace. It means that he didn’t know that I was here and that he wasn’t here for me. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again.

A little time passed but not a lot when Raj and Arushi finally joined me. Unlocking the car, Raj strapped Arushi into her seat before coming over to me. I got into the car quickly and he came over to my door.

 

“Khushi, is everything…”

”Please just get into the car. I’ll explain everything when we get home. But now we need to get out of here.”

 

Raj looked at me like I was slightly crazy and I couldn’t help but feel slight crazy. He took a long hard look at me before finally shutting the door and coming back over to his side of the car. Sliding into his seat, he got ready and soon we were off. As we drove home, I felt myself calm down a little, but not a lot. Arnav was here. He is here! I saw him! He was right in front of me.

Leaning back in my seat, I rested my head against the headrest and shut my eyes.

He looked pretty much the same as he did all those years ago. Only his stubble was no longer stubble, he had a full beard. His hair was a little longer than how he liked it six years ago, but other than that he looked exactly the same.
It didn’t seem as though he had gained much weight, nor did it seem as though he had lost any weight.

Six years had passed, over six years, but he hadn’t aged at all. He still looks pretty much exactly the same. I wonder what he would think if he saw me. Would he think I’ve changed?

Seeing him again, it’s cooked up all kinds of feelings within me. I feel good, seeing him again after all these years, but at the same time, it also feels bittersweet.

Bittersweet because even though I saw him, I couldn’t speak to him, couldn’t hold him close, couldn’t touch him…

 

*****

 

The moment we got home, Raj sent Arushi off to find Veera mausi. He made sure that she was well and truly out of the room before turning his attention back to me.

He walked over to where I was standing and placed a hand on my shoulder. This makes me pay full attention to him. Taking me by the hand, he led me over to the sofa and got me to sit down and then he sat down beside me.

 

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“I…”

 

Taking a deep breath, I replayed what had happened in my head and then started to explain to Raj.

 

“I saw Arnav.”

“You did? Did he see you?”

”No. No he didn’t.”

“Then why did…”

”I panicked. It was afterwards that I remembered that you had already told me that he was here. When I saw him… I just froze. I thought maybe he had found me and I guess I got a bit scared. But then, when I was able to calm down, I thought about it properly and I realised I didn’t need to panic. I’m sorry Raj. I realise that I must have really got you worried as well.”

 

Placing a hand on my knee, he gave me a small smile before removing his hand again.

 

“It’s okay. I understand why you reacted the way you did. It must have been really weird to see him again after all these years. I can understand why you got so scared. But Khushi… Maybe you should try to reach out to him?”

 

Looking up, I could feel myself become tense again.

 

“Why would you say that?”

“I just think that maybe you should. Before we were speaking hypothetically, but now… Knowing he’s here, actually having seen him, I think maybe you should actually speak to him.”

”But what would I even talk to him about? Besides I don’t want to cause any trouble. He looked well. I’m going to assume he is doing well in life. I don’t want to re-enter his life and cause problems.”

 

Sighing, Raj got to his feet.

 

“I’m not going to argue with you, but I think maybe you should. Think about it.”

 

With that Raj left. I remained seated and I thought about what he had said. But I couldn’t… I couldn’t speak to Arnav. What would I say to him? I don’t even know how he feels about me. Would he mad at me that I left him, or would he react indifferently?

I needed to get my head straight. I needed to get everything I was feeling down. I needed to write a letter to jiji.

 

*****

 

“Dear my pyaari Jiji,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and I hope you’re really happy. It was about time I wrote you another letter any way, but I’m writing this letter to you as a way of trying to clear my own head.

I was out today, and I thought I saw Arnav at the mall. I know, crazy right? At first I thought maybe I was hallucinating, maybe because I’ve been missing him so much that I had started seeing him. But after I paid close attention, I realised that he really was there.

Now I would love to say that I handled the matter well, but I really didn’t. I hid and then I ran away, hoping that he didn’t see me.

I was out with my friend, the one who’s house I am staying at as a paying guest. I told him that I saw Arnav and I saw how I reacted. He thinks that I should try and reach out to him, maybe speak to him, but jiji, I really don’t know what to do.

You know how I feel about him, you know I still care for him. But I don’t know how he feels about me. What if I do try to speak to him and he completely shuts me out? What if he really has moved on with life and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me? I’m scared jiji. Part of me wants to speak to him, but at the same time, I’m scared that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. Being away from him hurts in one way, but to be rejected by him would hurt even more I think. I can’t just drop into his life again. I can’t, can I?

I honestly don’t know what to do. I just feel like too much time has passed and that I’ve left it all too late. Maybe if all this had happened a couple of years ago, then maybe I would have approached him, maybe I would have tried to speak to him. But now… After over six years, I don’t think I can do that to him.

I don’t know what to do.

I hope you are well jiji and I hope everyone at home is well too. I miss you all so much and I really do wish I could come to visit. Maybe I will do. I don’t know. But for now, please know that I think about you all all the time and that I miss you more than anyone else.

Also, please don’t tell Arnav about this letter. Please don’t tell him that I saw him. Don’t alert him that we are in the same place. I don’t want him to find me. Please jiji, please, don’t tell him.

Love you lots and lots,
Always thinking of you.
Yours, Khushi.”

 

Signing off my letter, I read it back to make sure that it was perfect and then took an envelope out of my desk along with a stamp. I would send this off first thing on Monday and jiji should get it by Wednesday. I was unsure about whether or not to actually mention that I saw him, just in case she alerted him, but this was my jiji. She wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t say anything to him.

 

*****

A few days had passed since I had sent the letter off to jiji. Maybe she would have received it by now. I wish I had given her a number so that I could talk to her, but I knew that was dangerous. With a number they would have a direct link to track me down. At least with a letter, even now that I had made it clear that me and Arnav were in the same city, it would still be hard to find me even if anyone tried. There are a crazy amount of people in Mumbai and it’s also a huge city. It would take ages for them to find me. Plus I know for a fact that I am not the only Khushi here. So even if they tried to locate me using my name, it would take a long time.

When I arrived in Mumbai, I had decided to drop both my maiden and my married name. So here, I wasn’t Khushi Kumari Gupta, or Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada. Here I was just Khushi Singhania. Singhania is Raj and Veera mausi’s surname and I had asked them before using it. They didn’t mind. So if any of my family did try to find me, they’d have to go through all the Khushi’s to find me. I had done the same with Arushi. I hadn’t given her my maiden name or Arnav’s name. She was Arushi Signhania. Initially, I had thought of naming her Arushi Singh Raizada, but then I realised that her name would draw too much attention to her. To have the Raizada name, someone would have alerted the Raizada’s and they would have found us.

With all the bases covered, I believe that we are relatively safe. There’s no way Arnav would be able to find us even if he did know we were here. We were safe. He wouldn’t be able to find us…

Unwanted ~ Part 30

 

Arnav

 

Happy birthday to me! I’ve reached the grand old age of 33 and don’t have a lot to show for myself. I mean obviously I have my business empire, but other than that, not a lot. I don’t know where my wife is and my life hasn’t really progressed much in the last six years.

But for the first time in six years, I’m actually looking forward to my birthday. I get to spend the day around a group of young people who I have gotten very attached to. In order to celebrate, I have brought some chocolates to share with the kids.

It’s going to be a good day, I could tell.

 

*****

 

Just before the children went for their lunch, I decided to distribute the chocolates that I had brought with me.

 

“So it’s my birthday today and I have brought some chocolates for everyone!”

 

There was a slight yelp of joy as I started going round each desk, letting each child pick a chocolate. One by one I went through them all until I reached Arushi. Now unlike all the other kids, she hadn’t been anticipating my arrival with the treats. She was sat at her desk, drawing what looked like dresses.

 

“Here you go Arushi, choose one.”

“No thank you sir.”

“Why not? Don’t you like chocolate?”

“I do, but I’m not allowed to have normal chocolate. I can only eat special chocolate my mama buys me.”

“Why’s that?”

“I have sugar ki bimaari.”

“You’re diabetic?”

 

I could feel my eyes widen as I waited for a response from her. She nodded her little head just as the bell went off, signalling lunchtime.

I dismissed the children once I was sure that another member of staff was outside, ready to take them. I watched Arushi slowly put her things away.

 

“But you eat jalebis?”

“My mama makes me special ones, just for me.”

“I’m diabetic too.”

 

Getting to her feet, she rushed over to the door where her friend was waiting for her. Turning around, she gave me a little wave.

 

“I’ll tell my mama to make some special ones for you too sir.”

 

*****

 

All throughout lunchtime, I couldn’t stop thinking about Arushi and the little revelation that she had made. I should’ve known. As her teacher, I should’ve known that she was diabetic.

But that wasn’t all. There was something else about this matter that was troubling me and I didn’t know what it was and why.

I knew that children could get diabetes, but Arushi was so young? She’s only 5? It wasn’t fair that such a young child should have diabetes. They should be able to enjoy their life, eat as much sugar as they want without having to think anything of it. They shouldn’t have to turn down sweets and chocolates. It wasn’t fair.

 

*****

 

At the end of the day, I watched as all the children got picked up by their parents. Once all my kids were gone, I was ready to go back to my classroom when I saw Arushi still sat on the small wall, waiting.

I made my way over to the wall and sat down on it beside her.

 

“Your mama isn’t here yet?”

“Mama has work so she can’t get me any way. But Priya wasn’t here today so Naina aunty hasn’t come either.”

“So who are you waiting for?”

 

Arushi shrugged her shoulders as she swung her little feet.

 

“Have you always had diabetes Arushi?”

 

She nodded without looking up.

 

“Does your mum have diabetes?”

 

Shaking her head, she looked up at me.

 

“Mama said papa has diabetes. That’s why she knows how to make special jalebis. She used to make it for papa all the time.”

“Oh, I see.”

 

Turning around, she looked back towards the main gate. There were still quite a lot of children around.

 

“Do you want me to call home to make sure that someone is coming to take you?”

“It’s okay. Someone always comes.”

 

We sat in silence for a while.

 

“Do you have any plans of what to do when you go home?”

“No. Play with mama and then dinner and then bed maybe.”

“Do you get a lot of time to play with your mama?”

“Lots and lots of time.”

 

Her face lit up as we spoke about her mother and it was evident that they shared a close relationship. It must be hard for her mother, being a single parent…

 

“Are you going to do anything when you go home sir? On my birthday, mama takes me to the park!”

“When I go home, I’ll probably call my family and then plan next weeks lessons.”

“No cake?”

“I live on my own, so no cake.”

“Do you not have any family?”

 

If this were an adult asking, I would find them to be very rude and intrusive. But Arushi was just a child and she was curious.

 

“I do, but my family live in Delhi. So I can’t see them for my birthday.”

“Oh… Mama says she used to live in Delhi before, a long time ago. My papa too.”

 

So Arushi’s parents lived in Delhi? Could it be possible that I knew her parents? Shaking my head, I pushed the thought away. I was being crazy. Delhi was huge and there were tonnes and tonnes of people. The chances of actually knowing her parents were slim to none.

 

“Did I tell you sir, it’s my dad’s birthday today too! Me and mama did pooja for papa’s birthday in the morning.”

“Really? That’s such a coincidence!”

 

So Arushi’s father had the same birthday as me. I wanted to ask if she had spoken to her father, or made him a card to wish him, but I still hadn’t established if Arushi’s parents were separated or if her father was no longer alive. If he wasn’t alive, I didn’t want to upset her by asking if she’d spoke to him.

Something about this child intrigued me and I wanted to know more about her and her family. But how was I to do that?

Looking over her shoulder once more, I saw Arushi’s face light up as she saw a man in the distance.

 

“Arushi!”

 

The man called out and Arushi jumped to her feet, grabbing her bag that was on the floor.

 

“I have to go now sir!”

“Is that someone to pick you up?”

 

She nodded her little head frantically as she ran round the wall and started making her way down the gates. I watched as she ran off. The man looked a similar age to me, maybe slightly shorter than me. I watched as he stopped where he was, a smile on his face as his eyes fixed on the little girl running towards him.

I kept watching, he knelt down slightly as Arushi approached and she threw her little arms around him, and he lifted her up.

Who was this man? I knew Arushi’s dad was out of the picture, but who was this? Whoever it was, it was evident that he and Arushi shared a close bond. They both looked delighted to be together as they made their way down the path and out the school gates.
I had never thought that Arushi may have any other family other than her mother. This man could be her uncle.

Shaking my head, I got off the wall and made my way back tinny classroom. I was getting far too invested…

 

*****

 

When I finally got home that evening, the first thing I did was check my phone for all my messages. There was a whole stack from friends and employees wishing me a happy birthday. And then of course there was a whole lot of messages from my family.

 

Turning FaceTime on, I gave Di a call. She answered on the second ring.

 

“Hi Di.”

“Happy birthday Chote!”

“Thanks Di. How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright, you?”

“I’ve been good too. Just keeping myself busy.”

“When are you coming back Chote? We’re all really missing you.”

“I’m missing you guys too. I should be able to start thinking about coming back soon. Veer has been interviewing potential candidates like crazy. But it’s midterm now. So anyone he hires, they won’t be able to start until the new term begins.”

“That’s fine, there’s only a few weeks left.”

 

There was a pause as me and Di just took each other in. They hadn’t been apart for this long in a very long time and Arnav could tell it was unsettling Anjali.

 

“Di, I promise, I’ll be back soon. Or why don’t you come and visit me for a few days?”

“I’d love to. But Shalini has school and I can’t just leave her and come.”

“I understand Di.”

 

Me and Di made small talk. We spoke for a while. For the first time in a long time, me and Di were able to have a long conversation without arguing.

Once we were done, she passed the phone over to Akash and then to Nani and then back to Di.

 

“I was going to pass the phone to Nimisha, but she’s gone out with Pari. Maybe you can call them later, or they’ll call you?”

 

I nodded. I didn’t want to argue with Di by saying that I wasn’t going to call them. Wishing me a happy birthday once more, Di ended the call and I put my phone aside.

My time here really was almost up. There was only about another 2 weeks of the term and then the kids would go on holiday. And when they came back, they would have a new teacher.

As much as I was glad to be almost done, it was also hard. I’d really started enjoying teaching and I’d really grown fond of the kids around me. They’d become a part of my life and I loved seeing how far they’d come in terms of their education since I first starts with them.

When I’d arrived they were learning the letters H, I and J. Now, most of them knew the entire alphabet! We’d come a long way and my journey with them was almost at its ends.
As much as I had achieved a lot, I also didn’t achieve a lot. I had no new information regarding Khushi, no new leads. Nothing. Mumbai was cold. There was no sign of Khushi here. But regardless of the that, my heart told me that I needed to be here, that I was close.

Feelings were telling me to stay, the facts were telling me to move along.

Laying back in my bed, I looked up at the ceiling. If only a sign would just fall from the sky. But of course, nothing came.

Sighing, I got comfortable in bed, letting myself rest. Shutting my eyes, I was ready to take a short nap.

 

Just as I was about to drift off, a thought hit me.

Nimisha and Pari hadn’t called me today.

Now of course, to some this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but to me, this was something noteworthy.

When I’d first moved here, Nimisha called me constantly. Sometimes with the pretence that she was missing me, other times saying Pari needed to talk to me.

As time went on, she called less and less frequently. But what stood out about today was that it was my birthday. Nimisha would never miss my birthday. Looking at the clock, I realised it was almost 7. The entire day was almost done and Nimi hasn’t called me? In a bit, Pari would go to sleep and wouldn’t be able to speak to me?

That was strange. It seemed out of character. And Di had said they were out. Where could they be at this time of evening?

Call me paranoid but something wasn’t fitting for me. Something was going on. Otherwise Nimisha wouldn’t pass up the opportunity of making a song and dance about our relationship. Something wasn’t right. Something was going on. But I didn’t know how I felt about it. Do I feel happy that Nimisha has left me alone, or should I be suspicious as to what she’s up to?

All of a sudden, I felt torn all over again. Something wasn’t right. I knew.

Unwanted ~ Part 29

 

Khushi

 

By the time I got home from work, Arushi was already home and she was already changed out of her school clothes. Taking my little girl into my arms, I held her close and told her I missed her lots and lots.

 

“I missed you too mama.”

“So tell me, what did my princess do in school today.”

“Nothing.”

 

I could tell something wasn’t right. Normally she’d come running to me and she wouldn’t stop talking about her day. She’d tell me every little detail and if she missed something, it would mean needing to go through the whole story all over again.

 

“Arushi, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Beta, you know you can’t hide anything from me.”

 

I watched as her expressions changed, it was evident she was trying to figure out what to do.

 

“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow and I don’t want to do the Father’s Day event.”

 

This came as a shock to me. Ever since Arushi had started school, she had never wanted to not go to school. Even when she was ill, it was a struggle to keep her home. So now for her to tell me she didn’t want to go, I knew something was wrong.

 

“Did something happen?”

 

She shook her head but I knew my daughter well enough to know she was lying. Taking her into my arms, I pulled her to myself and sat down on the floor with her on my lap.

 

“Tell me Ari, what happened?”

 

Looking up at me, I saw the little tears in the corner of her eyes. I watched as she tried to make them go away, but they didn’t and ended falling onto her little cheeks.

 

“The people in my class said I can’t do the Father’s Day presentation because I don’t have a real dad.”

 

I gasped and I held my baby close to myself. When did kids become so cruel? How could such young children be so mean to each other?

 

“Did you tell your teacher?”

“I did. He made them sit near the wall.”

“The naughty wall?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Baby, you have a dad. Raj is going to do to the presentation with you.”

“But he isn’t my real papa. Mama why can’t you call papa and tell him to come? I want my papa!”

“Arushi, you know your dad live far away and he’s very busy…”

“But can’t he come for one day? It’s not fair! I’ve never even seen my papa! Doesn’t he love me?”

 

I shook my head, holding her tighter.

 

“Of course he loves you baby! You’re our baby. But he just can’t…”

“He can’t come to see me.”

 

Arushi’s face fell and hen she wiggled out of my arms.

 

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to play in my room.”

 

She walked away and I watched her go. What was I doing? For the first time ever, Arushi was questioning her fathers love for her. How could I do that to her? How could I keep lying to her like this? She thought Arnav didn’t love her, hence why he never came. How could I tell her that he doesn’t even know she exists? How do I tell my daughter that everything I’ve told her about why her dad isn’t with us is a lie?

 

“You’re realising how much of a mess you’ve made, aren’t you?”

 

Turning, I saw Raj stood in the doorway. When had he arrived. Stepping into the room, he looked over his shoulder before shutting the door behind himself.

 

“Ma is with Arushi.”

“Did you need something Raj?”

“No not really, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with Arushi. Khushi, what are you doing to that poor little girl?

“What am I doing to her?”

“You’re torturing her! She’s only a five year old! She’s never met her real father, never even spoken to him…”

“You know why that is!”

“I do! And you know that I didn’t approve of your decision at the time and I still don’t. You left Arnav because you didn’t want to deprive his child of its fathers love, but look at what you’re doing to Arushi.”

“What am I doing to her?”

“You’re making her question whether her dad loves her or not! And I can’t blame her. The poor child has never seen it spoken to her dad. She doesn’t even know what he looks like or what his name is! He’s just a story to her.”

“She has you. So she’s feeling a bit down today, but come tomorrow, she’ll be completely over all this and she’ll be ready to rehearse for the Father’s Day event with you again.”

“Yes she has me, and I love her like my own, but at the end of the day she isn’t mine and she knows that. She knows her dad is out there somewhere and it’s understandable that she’s curious and wants to know more about him.”

 

I hated having this conversation. Why didn’t they just accept that I couldn’t let Arushi meet Arnav or let her speak to him. Why didn’t they understand that I couldn’t just torpedo into his life and drop Arushi on him?

 

“Khushi, listen to me. Arushi is still little. As she gets older she’s only going to have more and more questions. And as she gets older, your excuse he lives to far and is too busy isn’t going to bode well. Please Khushi, try and put this all aside.”

“I don’t understand what you expect me to do! I’ve said it time and time again, I can’t tell Arnav anything! Why don’t you understand?”

“Are you really that selfish Khushi? You’re thinking about the inconvenience it’ll cause you to tell Arnav the truth and you’re thinking about his happiness, but you’re completely overlooking Arushi’s feelings.”

“What inconvenience will it cause me? How dare you call me selfish? I’m thinking about everyone accept myself when I try to make decisions regarding this!”

 

My temper was rising fast. Raj was always so kind and supportive but today? Why was he speaking to me like this!

 

“You’re worried about all the questions you’ll have to answer if you go to Arnav now and tell him about his daughter. You know it’s going to put you in a tricky spot and you want to avoid that.”

“No, that’s not my reasoning at all! I’m thinking solely about Arnav and Arushi. Have you even for a moment thought about either of them? You’re only looking at the situation from one side, I’m looking at it from both. Do you think I enjoy being away from my husband, away from the love of my life? Do you think it’s easy for me to live my life? Do you think I enjoy seeing my fatherless daughter pine for her dad? No I don’t Raj! It kills me every time. But have you thought what would happen if I introduce Arushi to Arnav and he refuses to acknowledge her? What if I take her to him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with either of us?”

“Then Arushi will know her dad is scum and maybe it will be easier for you all to move on.”

“But yes, there is a slight selfishness to my decision too. What if I take Arushi to Arnav and he wants to keep her? What if he’s happy with Nimisha and his other child and he decides that he wants full custody for Arushi? What if he’s content with his life but having Arushi would make it better? He’s far more financially stable than I am. He would win a custody battle. I could lose my daughter. Have you thought of that?”

 

It was obvious from Raj’s expression that he hadn’t thought of that. That he hadn’t for a moment considered that taking Arushi to Arnav could mean us all losing her. But he knew as much as I did that this could be something that could happen.

We had all seen the pictures and the articles of Arnav and Nimisha on their wedding and at high profile events over the years. It seemed as though they were happy together. If I took Arushi to Arnav, he may decide he wants to keep our baby, but he doesn’t need me. He may throw me out of their lives and keep Arushi. And I couldn’t let that happen. Arushi was my reason to live, the reason I got up in the morning, the reason why I kept living this life. If I lost her…

 

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Well I had. Do you see why Raj it’s so hard to decide what to do?”

“I do but…”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, but for now I want to leave things as they are.”

 

It was obvious Raj wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. He just nodded, acknowledging what I had said. He looked down at his feet and the turned his attention back to me.

 

“So you still love him?”

 

This question threw me off slightly. I wasn’t expecting Raj to ask me something like that.
Sighing, I sat down on my bed and took the photo of Arnav out of my bedside drawer and looked at it. It was one of my favourite pictures of Arnav. It was one that I had taken of him on our honeymoon. It was one of the first pictures I took of him after we slept together for the first time.

 

“I’ve never stopped loving him, not even for a moment.”

 

Coming over to the bed, Raj sat down beside me.

 

“It’s been six years Khushi…”

“I know but I can’t just stop…”

“Let me finish what I was trying to say. I was saying, it’s been six years and you still love him as much as ever. Maybe you should try reaching out to him. If in over six years you haven’t been able to stop loving him, I don’t think you will ever be able to. For yourself and Arushi, maybe you need to reach out to him.”

 

Raj was right. It had been six years and not a moment went by when I didn’t think about Arnav. When I lay in my bed cold bed alone, I thought of Arnav. When I woke up, I thought about Arnav. When I looked at our daughter, I thought of him. He was always on my mind, always in my thoughts. To someone, it may seem insane. We were only together for six months and yet six years later I haven’t been able to get over him. But that’s just how it was. Those six months with him were the best six months of my life and I cherish every single moment from that time.

 

“I was happy with him. Our lives were going great, everything was perfect. It’s hard not to still love him when he never did anything to make me feel anything less for him. We never argued, he always took care of all my little needs and he was always there for me. How can I not still love him?”

 

I looked to Raj, awaiting his response. I could see that he saw things the way I saw them, that he understood what I meant.

 

“I understand.”

“In my heart, I hope that maybe one day I can reach out to him again. But as time goes on, I feel like it’s becoming harder and harder to reach out to him. He’s probably settled into his life now, he’s probably happy with Nimisha and their child. They may even have another child by now. I can’t enter his life again now. I could make a mess for him.”

“But what if he too has been struggling to move on, just as you have?”

“He got married to Nimisha. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t ready to move on.”

 

Raj went silent once more. He knew I had a point.

 

“If he’s moved on, don’t you think maybe you should try too?”

“Maybe one day. But right now, I have Arushi and I want to be the best mother to her. I don’t want to divert my attention.”

“So what, you’re not ruling out the chances of getting married again?”

“I don’t know Raj. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I don’t want to get married again. Heck, I’m still married to Arnav. I can’t even think about getting married again. But maybe one day I will think about it seriously. But as of now, I’m fine as I am.”

 

He remained seated beside me for a while. He didn’t say anything, nor did he move. He turned to me, wanting to say something, but he must have thought against it because he turned away once more and slowly got to his feet.

 

“As long as your happy and you know what you’re doing, I can’t really say anything more.”

“I appreciate you’re concern for me and Arushi, but I think we’ll be okay.”

 

Nodding, Raj made his way over to the door and slowly opened it. He turned back to me, but then shook his head and turned away once more and left.

I did understand Raj’s concern, I really did. He cared for me and Arushi and so he wanted the best for the both of us. But at the end of the day, how I decided to go about this was my business.

I turned my attention back to my photograph of Arnav. I missed him, so, so much. Every single day, all the time. No matter what happened and how much changed, he would always be my other half, my better half. He completed me, made me whole. And even if he did have someone else and his own life now, for me, he would always be my other half. The man who completed me.

Whenever Raj and Veera asked me about getting married again, I always made it sound like it would be something that I would consider one day, but the truth was I don’t see myself ever thinking about getting married again. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Arnav or ever stop wanting to be with him. I could marry someone else, but at the end of the day, my heart belonged to Arnav, so it seemed pointless even considering marriage.

Yes, making Arushi understand would only get harder as she got older, but once she got to a certain age, I would tell her the truth. Why I left her dad and why he isn’t with us. Maybe one day she’d understand, but for now, what she knew was enough.

In my heart, there was still hope. Maybe one day things would get better and me, Arnav and Arushi could be a proper family. But until then, hope is all we have. I would carry on praying for him and for us and maybe Devi Maiyya would make things easier for us all. I had faith and I had hope. Maybe one day…

 

Just maybe.

Unwanted ~ Part 28

 

Arnav

 

I’d been working at the school for over a week now, and truth be told, I was really enjoying it! Really, really enjoying it.

I now understood why people wanted to work with kids. Every time one of the children learnt a new letter, it felt really good. Knowing that I had been able to teach them something which they would remember and use for the rest of their lives.

I wasn’t the best teachers out there, but I really felt like I was doing a good job. Who would have though, Arnav Singh Raizada, a class teacher of five year olds. But here I was and I didn’t plan on leaving any time soon.

When I first told Di what I was doing, she had a fit and demanded I come home right away. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the kids hanging, not after they had been left by their previous teacher. And beside the kids, I felt like there was something holding me back. Something that was keeping me from going back to Delhi. My time here wasn’t done yet, I could feel it in my bones.

Di however thought this was all a load of rubbish and demanded that I come home. She said something about how Nimisha needed me at home. And then she started talking about how it was wrong, me being a teacher.

 

“How can you be a teacher to five year olds though Chote?”

“Why can’t I?”

“You have a daughter, who craves your love and attention. You have no time for her, but you can go and spend time educating other people’s kids. Do you know how insane that is?”

“Di, you always tell me I should embrace change and learn to find happiness in new things. I’ve done that! For the first time in years, I actually want to get out of bed every morning. These kids… They’ve lit up my dull, monochrome world and they’ve filled it with glorious technicolor. You should be happy for me!”

 

I remember how there was a pause after I said that. I heard Di sigh and then she told me that she was happy that I found happiness, but she’d be happier if I’d come home and spent time with my “wife and daughter.”

After all these years, I still couldn’t believe that Di didn’t realise that Pari wasn’t mine. Everyone in the household has started realising and considering that maybe I did know what I was talking about. That perhaps I was right. But Di… Maybe she just wanted to be oblivious to it all. And then there was Payal. She too couldn’t accept that Pari wasn’t mine. Between Payal and Di, I honestly felt like I was suffocating half the time.

Over the years, even Nimisha had stopped fighting for me to accept Pari. I mean she still did it, but not as much as she had done at the start. She’d stopped trying to convince me that Pari was mine. I think she finally realised that she wasn’t going to be able to fool me into believing that Pari was mine when we both knew she wasn’t.

I’d never really thought about having kids, but I always knew, if ever I did have a child, I would have a connection with them. I’d be able to feel it within me that they were mine. But with Pari, I felt nothing like that. Not even slightly. Pari was a great kid, and as I’ve said before, I do feel bad when I don’t acknowledge her the way she wants me to. But I can’t. I know I’m not her father, no matter what any DNA test reported.

I can’t give her the kind of love she wants and deserves. Maybe one day Nimisha would stop messing with the poor little girl and actually let her meet her father…

 

*****

 

As time went on and I spent more and more time with the kids in class, I began to grow more and more attached to them. I got to know them personally and learnt about their personalities. Even though they were only 5, most of them had already developed very individual personalities and it really showed through their art work that they did in class.

I enjoyed getting to know the kids. Getting to know their likes and dislikes, what annoyed them and what kind of things they enjoyed. It was an enjoyable process.

There was one child that made me struggle a bit though, and that child was little Arushi. There was something about this little girl that felt eerily familiar, like I’m supposed to know her. But none of my friends that live in Mumbai have a child her age, so it couldn’t be that. Nor do we have any relatives here. But regardless of all of that, there was something about this child that made me feel like I really, really should know who she is.

After observing the child for quite a long while, I finally put my finger on why she seemed so familiar. She looked like Khushi…

 

*****

 

The moment I got home that evening, I called Payal. For the rest of the day, I kept looking at Arushi and the more I looked at her, the more striking the resemblance between her and Khushi seemed. As I waited for Payal to answer the phone, I sat down on my bed and looked at the photograph of Khushi on the bedside table. Khushi’s eyes and Arushi’s eyes were almost identical. Of course it could be a coincidence but it seemed highly unlikely.

 

“Hello?”

“Payal, it’s me. I need to ask you something urgently.”

“Is everything okay bhai? What’s the matter?”

“There’s this little girl in my class, ever since I met her there’s been something crazy familiar about her and now… She… She looks like Khushi. The absolutely same eyes.”

“Really? Exactly like Khushi’s?”

“Identical. I spent so much time staring into Khushi’s eyes, I don’t know how I didn’t make the link earlier but now… I can’t stop seeing the resemblance. Do you and Khushi have any relatives in Mumbai? Maybe cousins or…”

 

There was a pause on Payal’s end and I waited patiently.

 

“Well… My Amma and Khushi’s amma were sisters and they didn’t have any other siblings. So there’s no chance that we have any cousins on that side. But I know Khushi’s babuji has siblings. But where they are and how many kids they have, I don’t know. No ones close to that side of Khushi’s family, not even her. So maybe this little girl is a relative but I don’t know…”

“Do you think Khushi might be here? With relatives?”

“I don’t know bhai. Honestly, I doubt it. I can’t really imagine Khushi trying to reach out to the side of the family that turned their back to her. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that that little girl looks like Khushi, or maybe it is a relative. But I don’t think Khushi is with any family members. I think she’d be on her own. I can’t see her turning to people who cut her out of their lives.”

 

I thought about it for a moment and realised that Payal was probably right. Khushi had never spoken about any other family, had never showed any interest in connecting with them.

 

“You’re probably right. Maybe I am looking too far into a coincidence.”

“I’m not saying that to kill your hope but…”

“No I understand. Thanks Payal. Has she written any letters to you since I’ve been here?”

“She hasn’t, but it’s been a while since I last heard from her so I think there should be a letter coming soon. I’ll let you know what she says when the letter arrives.”

“Thanks Payal. Take care of yourself, I’ll speak to you soon.”

 

Disconnecting the call, I put my phone down. I probably was paying too much attention to Arushi. Just because she looked a bit like Khushi didn’t mean she was related to Khushi in any way. And even if she was, it didn’t mean that Khushi was here.

Getting to my feet, I moved into the kitchen to make myself dinner. Another evening, another meal. On my own.

 

*****

 

“Arushi doesn’t have a real papa! What kind of presentation are you going to give for the Father’s Day event?”

 

I walked over to the kids, and the moment I approached them, they all went quiet.

 

“What’s going on here?”

“Nothing sir…”

 

I looked down at the little group of kids and then looked to Arushi who had tears streaming down her face. Kneeling down before her, I asked her what the matter was.

 

“They said… They were saying… I can’t do the presentation… Because I don’t have a papa…”

 

My heart broke for the little girl in front of me. Tears kept falling and she struggled to tell me what she wanted to say. Turning my attention back to the other children, I told them to say sorry and then told them to go and sit by the wall for the rest of their break time.
Once they all walked away, I turned my attention back to Arushi.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

She nodded her little head as she wiped her tears.

 

“Can I go inside please?”

 

I looked around and saw that a few of the other teachers were outside, meaning that they could watch the rest of the kids. I nodded and let Arushi go inside and went in with her.

As soon as she got back into our classroom, she went over to her cubby and pulled out her lunchbox. Coming back to her table, she set her lunchbox down and opened it.

Taking out a smaller box, I watched as she opened it and took out the contents from within.

 

“Jalebis?”

 

Nodding, she turned her attention back to the jalebi and ate it. I watched as she ate the first jalebi and then another.

She reminded me of Khushi. Whenever Khushi was upset, she’d make jalebis and then eat them. When Nimisha entered our lives, Khushi was almost always in the kitchen, making and eating jalebis. It got to the point where she had a plate of jalebis by our bed at all times.

Turning my attention back to Arushi, I watched as she tidy her things away, washed her hands and then came back to sit at her desk.

 

“Feeling better now?”

“Lots.”

“Eating jalebis helps?”

“Helps lots. Mama says that there is no sadness that jalebis can’t fix.”

“Your mama is right. Jalebis can fix everything.”

“Not everything…”

 

The slight light that had been in her eyes were gone again.

 

“Didn’t you tell me your mama makes the best jalebis? Surely if they’re the best then they can fix anything.”

“They can’t bring me my papa. The others are right, sir, I can’t do the Father’s Day event. I don’t even have a real dad.”

“Arushi…”

“I don’t want to do it.”

“But you were so excited.”

“I don’t want to do it any more sir.”

 

And with that she got to her feet and went back outside to spend the rest of her break time in the playground.

I should have gone back outside too, but I decided to stay inside, to just think about what had happened.

 

Arushi wanted her dad, but it seemed as though he wasn’t in the picture. Maybe her parents were divorced? Or maybe her father passed away? There was no way to tell and there was no way to ask her without upsetting her.

But more than that, what was troubling me was how much she reminded me of Khushi. The way she ate her jalebis, the way she spoke about them.

Was I going insane? Was I making links where there were no links? Was I imagining these resemblances? What was happening to me?

Whatever it was, it reiterated something I already knew. I was still madly in love with Khushi and I needed her back in my life. I was starting to see her in a child who probably had no connection to her whatsoever. I needed to find her. I needed to get her back. If I don’t, I think I really will go insane.