Unwanted ~ Interlude II

Raj

 

Stood by my window, I looked out at the world. I don’t know how I was feeling, but I wasn’t feeling great. Reading the news that Arnav was in town shook me up a bit. I mean I know I shouldn’t feel like that. At the end of the day, Arnav was Khushi’s husband and Arushi’s father. No matter how much I wanted to forget the truth, it’s always there. If Khushi left me to go back to Arnav, I couldn’t stop her.

I remember when I first met Khushi, it was literally a matter of coming home one evening and finding her sat there with mom. It was quite late, so I remember getting into the house half asleep and being told that she was our new paying guest. I had been so busy back then, I barely had any time to sit down and talk to her. It wasn’t until about a month after she moved in that I properly spoke to her. The moment I actually spoke to Khushi, I liked her. She was kind, funny and she seemed to care for mom which was something I appreciated.

Once I actually started paying attention to the fact that she was here, I started realising more about her. Like I noticed how when she smiled, her smile never actually reached her eyes. Her bedroom was next to mine, so at night, I’d hear her crying.
It was about 2 months after she’d been with us when she finally stopped crying every night.

 

And then she found out she was pregnant.

 

When she found out she was pregnant, she spent the entire first week in her room, crying. And I understand why. Over time, mom had told me more and more about why she’d left Arnav. So I understood why it was so hard for her to find out that she was pregnant. But regardless, she pulled herself together and she got her head down. She worked hard to make sure that she always had enough money and she became family more than a paying guest.

Once our financial struggles ended, we told Khushi she didn’t need to pay any more, but she won’t hear of it. She said that unless we wanted her to move out, she would carry on paying her rent as she had done.

Time went on and Arushi was born. After Arushi came along, it was evident that Khushi was struggling. I think she found it hard, having a baby but not having her husband beside her.

Up to this point, a strong level of trust and understanding had formed between me and Khushi and Khushi and mom. However everything seemed to go backwards after Arushi was born. Khushi wouldn’t let her baby out of her site and she’d never leave her with us at all. Mom said we shouldn’t take it personally, that she’d get better, but up until then, we had to be patient with her. Mom was right, at first Khushi wouldn’t let us go anywhere near Arushi, but as some time went on, she got more comfortable with leaving her with us.

As Arushi got older, she and Khushi needed two rooms. When Khushi had started talking about moving out, me and mom wouldn’t hear of it. We still had a spare room in our house, so we told Khushi that Arushi could have that room but we refused to let Khushi pay for another room. After much reluctance, she finally agreed.

 

*****

 

Time went on and the four of us started to feel more and more like a family. Over the years, mom had suggested that I marry Khushi. Now I have to admit, I did like Khushi. I liked spending time with her and I felt happy with her. Maybe I was slightly in love with her. How could one not fall in love with her? She was strong, brave, sweet and crazy beautiful. But I knew I couldn’t marry her. Her heart belonged to Arnav. Every Karva Chauth, she kept a fast in his name, she still wore her mangalsoothra and she always had some sindoor on too. She was still Arnav’s wife and I knew it would be stupid to even ask for her hand.

Initially Arushi didn’t call me papa. She knew I wasn’t her dad. When she first started addressing us, I was mamaji and mom was Nani. When Arushi got a little bit older and realised that all kids around her had a dad except her, she asked Khushi about her father. The question threw Khushi and she struggled to answer. But mom told her that she did have a father, of course she did, but her dad lived very far away and he always had a lot of work so he couldn’t come. But Arushi was assured that her father loved her. Maybe it’s because I was around, Arushi never truly felt Arnav’s absence. Arushi was a sweet child, never caused any problems and like her mother, she too was immensely loving. It wasn’t hard to love Arushi.

But it was as she got older and she started going to school, the kids around her realised that she didn’t have a dad and that upset Arushi. It was then that I took it upon myself to deal with it. All it took was going to school with her one day and all the teasing stopped. But by then, Arushi’s morale had been lowered and she asked Khushi about her dad more and more.

 

*Flashback*

 

“Mama I want my papa!”

 

I watched on as Arushi stamped her little feet, tears rolling down her face.”

 

“Arushi! Stop! You know your papa lives far away.”

“But why can’t go to see him?”

“Because we can’t! He lives in Delhi, it’s too far.”

“I want to talk to him on the phone.”

 

Arushi continued to cry and from her voice, I could tell that Khushi too was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t my business but I couldn’t see either of them like this. I walked into Arushi’s bedroom and kneeled before her.

 

“What’s the matter princess?”

“I want my papa.”

“But beta, you know your papa is far away.”

“But I want my papa! Everyone has a papa, I want mine!”

 

I saw Khushi take a step forward, but I stopped her.

 

“Why do you want your papa? You have your mama, you have me and you have your Nani. We all love you.”

“But I want…”

“Okay, how about this. How about I be your papa?”

 

She stopped crying and looked at me, confusion on her little face.

 

“You can be my papa?”

“If you want to call me papa, I will be your papa.”

“But I have a papa.”

“You can have 2. One who is far away and one who is with you all the time. There’s nothing wrong with having two papa’s. Double the love for you.”

 

I watched as she played with the idea. She looked confused, but her little face lit up and she nodded frantically before hugging me.

 

“Can I call you papa and take you to the Father’s Day event?”

“Of course.”

“Yayyyy!”

 

Jumping up, she gave me a big hug before running out of the room. I turned to Khushi who looked completely exhausted.

 

“I’m sorry, I should have checked with you…”

“Thank you. You saved me today Raj. I didn’t know what to do…”

“Khushi, I know you hate speaking about this but maybe you should let her meet him just once.”

“Raj you know why I can’t do that. How can I introduce her to her father when her father doesn’t even know she exists?”

“Maybe it’s time he did know Khushi.”

 

She turned away from me and I knew that this meant that this conversation was over once more. Honestly, I didn’t want Khushi to reach out to Arnav, but I wanted her and Arushi to be happy always. No matter how happy Khushi acted, it was obvious that she wanted to be with her husband. And after all, why wouldn’t she want that? Nothing had gone wrong between them, they hadn’t had a break up. Yes, he had a child with someone else, but he was with that person before Khushi entered his life so she couldn’t even be angry about that. There was nothing that made her bitter towards Arnav and so it made sense why she still wanted to be with him.

 

*Flashback end*

 

From that day onwards, I have been Arushi’s papa. But despite having me and calling me papa, she still wanted to meet her real father. She didn’t ask about his often, but she did every now and again and those days were still hard for Khushi. I wished Arushi would accept me as her father and completely forget that she actually has another mans blood running through her, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen.

No matter how much love I have forher, she would always be Arushi Singh Raizada, daughter of Arnav Singh Raizada. And no matter how much I loved Khushi, she would forever be the wife of Arnav Singh Raizada. The lucky dog. He was blessed with the two people I wanted more than anything, yet he wasn’t fortunate enough to have them.

I guess I should really feel sorry for him, but at the end of the day I envy him. Because in my heart I know, one day, Khushi and Arushi will go back to him. I don’t know when and how, but I know, I can feel it in my body. They will return to him…

Unwanted ~ Part 27

Khushi

 

Getting out of work early, I decided to go and pick Arushi up from school myself instead of getting our neighbour to drop her off home.

To get to the school from the office didn’t take long. I parked my car in the car park and then went inside the gates to get my baby. I looked at my watch, there was still a few minutes before they would start being let out, so I made my way up to where her classroom was.

Just as I was approaching her classroom, I saw my baby’s little head as she ran towards me.

 

“Mama!”

“Hey baby! How come you got out of class?”

“I told new sir that I saw you and Naina Maasi told sir that she would take me to you.”

 

Naina is our neighbour with whom Arushi usually came home with.

 

“New sir? Who new sir? Why wasn’t Mr Kapoor letting you out?”

 

Just as Arushi was about to start explaining, Naina approached us and started explaining to me how Mr Kapoor had left and how the kids had a substitute.

Nodding, we all turned and started making our way back to my car.

 

*****

 

It was later the same evening and Arushi was sat behind me, working on the letters and numbers she had learnt in class while I read through some files.

 

“Mama mama, guess what?”

“What happened baby?”

“My new teacher said his wife makes better jalebis than you!”

 

“Really?” I turned to see Raj leaning against the doorway, watching Arushi. She turned and saw him standing there and got up, rushing over to him.

“Papa!”

“Hi! So what did your teacher say?”

“I told him mama makes the best jalebis and he said his wife makes better ones!”

 

I saw that Raj looked confused as to why Arushi was talking about a new teacher, so I explained to him about the staffing changes.

 

“Oh I see! Well in that case, I think you should take your teacher some of your mama’s jalebis so he can see that your mom makes the best jalebis ever!”

 

I blushed at the compliment from Raj and turned my attention back to my work while he and Arushi spoke about her day.

 

“So what’s your new teachers name?”

“Mr Rai… Rai…”

 

I felt my blood run cold and I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Rai? Rai what? Raizada? Surely not. Shaking my head, I pushed the thought away. I was being paranoid. There was only one Raizada family in all of India and none of the Raizada’s were teachers. Plus she hadn’t even said his name was Raizada. I needed to calm down.

 

“Mr Raichanda!”

“Raichanda?”

“Haan papa! Mr Raichanda! He’s a giant!”

“A giant?”

 

I turned back to Arushi and Raj and I watched him chuckle as she explained how tall her Mr Raichanda was and how he almost touched the ceiling.

 

“He’s even taller than you!”

“Really?”

 

Arushi nodded her head, telling Raj that her teacher was much, much taller than him. I carried on watching as they talked about giants and jalebis. Laughing, I got to my feet and made my way to the kitchen to prepare some snacks for the both of them.

 

As I was frying the samosas, Veera Mausi came to look over my shoulder.

 

“You’re making samosas for those two?”

“Haan, I thought they’d be hungry so…”

“You take such good care of them both. Obviously, you take care of Arushi because she’s your daughter but Raj too…”

“He’s my friend. He’s stood by me through so much. The least I can do is to take care of him too.”

“We’re lucky to have you in our lives, you know that don’t you.”

“And me and Arushi are lucky to have you and Raj.”

 

Taking the samosas out of the oil, I put them on a plate. Once they were slightly cool, I handed one to Veera Mausi to try.

 

“Perfect as always.”

 

Smiling, I picked up the plate and made to leave the kitchen when she stopped me.

 

“Khushi… Can I speak to you about something?”

“Of course! But let me give these first before they get cold.”

 

She nodded and I rushed upstairs to give Arushi and Raj their samosas. They were both on the floor on their tummies, talking about the letters that Arushi had learnt. Smiling, I left them to it and made my way back downstairs. Veera Mausi was sat in the living room, on the sofa, so I sat down beside her.

 

“Khushi, I know it’s been a while since I’ve mentioned this but, have you thought about my proposal to you?”

 

I looked away, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

 

“I have, but my answer is still the same.”

“But Khushi…”

“Please, I don’t want to be rude nor do I want to be disrespectful, but this is one request of yours I cannot consider.”

“But to the world you are already…”

“That’s to the world, but we know the truth. I can’t…”

 

I got up for the sofa and turned away. I couldn’t have this conversation, couldn’t even consider it. I dismissed myself and went back upstairs to find Raj and Arushi still talking about something. I leaned against the door frame, listening to them. I didn’t even realise when Veera Mausi came up behind me.

 

“Just look at them. Even you know they look like they’re father and daughter.”

 

She placed her hand on my shoulder and led me to her room.

 

“Khushi, please consider what I am saying.”

“I can’t! Despite everything, I am still married to Arnav, I’m still his wife. How can I even think about marrying someone else when…

“He got married again didn’t he?”

“But…”

“You could always file for a divorce and send the papers to him.”

“No… I can’t.”

“What about my Raj? We both know he loves you and Arushi too much, hence why he can’t seem to get married to anyone else. If you don’t marry him, I don’t think he ever will.”

“Maybe it’s time for me and Arushi to leave. If we aren’t here, then he’ll stop feeling obligated to us and he’ll move on.”

“We both know that isn’t going to happen. Raj sees Arushi as his own. He won’t just let you both go like that.”

 

I ran my hand through my hair. This was a common conversation between me and Veera Mausi. She wanted me and Raj to marry. I know she means well, but I can’t even consider it. No matter what, I am still Arnav’s wife and even though he’s married to someone else, I can’t just move on like that.

 

“I’m sorry, but my answer is still no.”

“Arushi deserves stable home.”

“She has that! She has me. I’m working always to make sure that I can fulfil all her needs. And she has Raj, who like you said, loves her like his own. She has stability.”

“But what kind of life is this for her? Today she’s only 5 and half, she is happy with her life. But soon, she’ll get older, she’ll start understanding. She’ll want to meet her real father. But you don’t want to let her do that. Your depriving her both ways!”

“How? She’s got Raj?”

“But she already knows that Raj isn’t her real father. Nor her real father, nor is he a step father. Then she’ll want to know about he real father, what will you do then?”

“Some relations don’t need a name. And what Raj and Arushi have is far more important than a name or technicalities. As for what I’ll do when she starts asking questions, when we get there, we’ll see what needs to be done. But for now, Arushi is happy and that’s all that matters to me.”

“I will respect your wishes Khushi, but I think you should start considering it. Six years have passed. You don’t plan to go back to Arnav and that should be reason enough to try and start moving on with your life. And if not for yourself, think about Raj. He isn’t getting married because he’s hoping you will accept his feelings. Does he not deserve a companion too?

“Maybe when I’m ready, I will think about it, but for now, I’m not ready.”

 

Patting me on the shoulder, Veera left the room and I watched her go, taking in her words. Getting up, I made my way back to where Arushi and Raj were. They were still on the floor, reading a book now.

I watched as Raj read the book, changing his voice for all the different characters and I watched how Arushi’s expression changed and she laughed every time he did a high voice.

I watched as she listened intently, gazing up at him. Maybe Veera Mausi was right? Maybe… No no. I couldn’t… Despite everything else, the main issue was that I still loved Arnav. Until I stopped loving him, I couldn’t even consider marrying someone else. But maybe Raj and Arushi’s relationship did need a real name?

I walked away and went into my bedroom and sat down on my bed. Taking his picture out of my bedside table, I held it close to myself.

 

“What should I do Arnav?”

 

Maybe I did need to start considering marriage to Raj. It was true, he had been turning down proposals for as long as she could remember, and when he revealed it was because he wished to marry me, I remember how I’d felt completely lost. He never pressured me to make a decision but…

I felt so confused. What was the right thing to do? What should I do? What would be the best decision for everyone? Was I being unfair to Raj? He deserved to get married, to have a companion, to start a family of his own. I don’t think I could ever give him any of that. I don’t think I can marry someone else and start my life again with them. I don’t think I could ever get intimate with another man. Even if I married Raj, I would only be able to give him half a life, be half a wife. He deserved better than that. He deserved more than what I could ever give him.

I couldn’t marry Raj. I couldn’t.

Unwanted ~ Part 26

Arnav

 

My work in Mumbai was wrapping up nicely. Most of the issues that the AR branch was having here was getting wrapped up quite nicely. I still needed to stay here a little longer, to make sure everything was running like clockwork, but on the whole, my time here was coming to an end. And as much as I prefer Delhi to Mumbai, I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I felt like I had something here in Mumbai. Something that was making me feel hopeful. Was I delaying going home for a feeling? Yes. Was I being stupid? Probably.

But I wasn’t ready to go back to Delhi. I needed to stay here. My heart was telling me I needed to be here. And for once, I was going to let myself listen to my heart.

 

*****

 

Much to my distaste, nothing came up, and my time here was almost done. I had 3 days left in Mumbai and then I was set to go home. I didn’t want to go home, but at the same time staying here without an aim didn’t suit me either. I thought something would hit me, something would come at me, but nothing was happening. I couldn’t let myself hang around here, twiddling my thumbs.

But being here on my own was working for me. I didn’t have to deal with Nimisha, or Pari or Di. I was at peace. I had my house, so I was comfortable here, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone bothering me.

It gave me time to really think about Khushi, to do some more research if I could find any leads on her, but I couldn’t. She’d vanished completely. I know for a fact she left Delhi, her trail ended at the Delhi train station, but where she went from there, I had no clue. She could be anywhere in India. She may have even left India. She could ever still be in Delhi, there was just no way for me to know.

Getting up from my laptop, I made my way to the kitchen to fix myself some dinner. Settling on some pasta, I put the pasta on to boil and started preparing the sauce when my phone began to ring.

For a moment, I couldn’t decide if I should bother to go and see who it was, after all it would probably be just Di or Nimi. But I decided to go and check it out. Making my way back to my bedroom, I picked up my phone from the bedside table and saw that it was Veer. Veer was an old friend who used to live near us before he moved to Mumbai to start up a school. I took the call.

 

“Hey Veer, how are you buddy?”

 

Holding the phone to my ear, I made my way back into the kitchen to make sure that my pasta didn’t burn.

 

“Arnav, how you doing buddy? Has Mumbai been good to you?”

“It really has. I’ve been enjoying it here, really peaceful.”

 

We had a little chat, catching up on what we’d been up to since we last spoke a few weeks ago, until his tone changed.

 

“Listen, Arnav, I need to ask you a huge favour.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“One of my teachers has literally just resigned. He has just emailed me his resignation now and has said he won’t be in work tomorrow. I’ve called the agency and said they can’t do anything for me so last minute and I don’t have any substitute teachers at the moment because I have so many teaches on maternity leave. So I was wondering… Do you think you could step in for me. Just for tomorrow?”

“Wait what?”

 

Was Veer insane? How could I possibly teach? I’m a business man, I couldn’t possibly teach primary school children.

 

“As much as I’m flattered, I think you’re crazy! I’m a business man, I have zero experience with teaching.”

“They’re only little, they’re 5 year olds. All you have to do is teach them basic maths and English and play games with them. The lessons are all planned, you just have to follow the schedule.”

“If it’s so easy, surely you can find someone else?”

“I probably could, but I would need to have checks done to make sure that they are able to work with kids and I’d also need to go through qualifications. Arnav, I’m asking you because I know you have no criminal records, you’re safe to work with kids and you’re perfectly qualified. If it wasn’t so late in the evening, I definitely would try and sort something, but Arnav, you really are my only option right now.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please? Just for tomorrow. I’ll spend all of tomorrow trying to find someone else so you don’t have to come back, but please? I really need your help.”

 

As I watched my pasta bubble away, I actually contemplated what Veer was asking of me. I should have said no, of course I should’ve. It was crazy, how could I teach 5 year olds? But something about this request was appealing to me. It would be something different, a real adventure, even if it was only for a day. The rational side of me knew that I wasn’t fit to teach kids for even an hour, forget a whole day. No… I couldn’t do it, shouldn’t do it…

 

*****

 

“Class B, this is Mr Raizada. Mr Kapoor had to leave suddenly so Mr Raizada is taking your class today. Everyone, make sure you are good and don’t cause any trouble. I’ll be back to check on you at lunchtime.”

 

Veer pat me on the shoulder, wished me luck and then left. I must be insane. I actually decided to come here. Me, who has never taught a single child anything before. But I guess it is only for a day, and they’re only little. How hard could it possibly be?

I looked down at the kids, all looking up at me with their big, bright, curious eyes.

 

“Hi… I’m Mr Raizada. I will be taking your class today.”

 

I walked over to the desk and saw that I was meant to be teaching the children the letters H, I and J in the morning and then in the afternoon we were going to do counting exercises. It seemed straight forward enough. Looking at my watch, I realised that there was more than enough time to go through the letters, so I decided to play a little getting to know each other game, to help them become familiar with me.

Moving back I stood at the front of the class. They were all still staring at me, it was slightly off putting and intimidating, but I did sign up for this.

 

“Would everyone like to come and sit in a circle? We can play some games.”

 

They all looked at each other, but then started shuffling. I helped them to move their little tables out of the way and they made a big circle on the floor. I went and stood in the middle, looking around at all the kids.

 

“In this game, when it throw you the ball, you have to tell me what your name is and one thing you like and one thing you wish.”

 

Just as I was about to throw the ball to one of the kids, a little boy put his hand up.

 

“Yes?”

“Sir, are you a giant? My papa is big but you are even bigger than my papa.”

 

I found myself chuckling and I saw the kids nod in agreement to each other. I mean I didn’t think I was that tall, after all Akash was taller than me in our family, but I guess I was taller than a lot of people so I understood what they meant.

 

“No I’m not a giant but I know I’m very big.”

 

They all nodded, accepting the answer and then we began to go round the circle. One by one they told me their names and I tried my best to remember as many of them. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t really remember the facts they told me, I just needed to learn their names. I didn’t even really need to learn their names. In a few hours, I would leave this place and I’d probably never see any of these kids ever again.

I went round, one by one and took their names in. Some of them told me that they liked fairly obscure things, but I guess that helped as it’d help me remember them.
I got to a little girl, whose hair was braided and whose eyes seemed incredibly familiar.

 

“What’s your name?”

“Arushi.”

“That’s a nice name. What’s one thing you like Arushi?”

“I like my mamas special jalebis! They’re the best!”

 

The mention of jalebis made me think of Khushi. And like this little girl, I loved and missed Khushi’s special jalebis that she would make for me.

 

“I bet my wife makes better jalebis than your mama.”

“Never! My mama makes the bestest special jalebis just for me. She says my papa loves them too!”

“Really? Okay, maybe we will have a competition one day, but for now tell me one wish you have.”

 

The little girls smile fell and almost instantly she replied.

 

“I wish I could see my papa.”

 

I looked at her little face. Moments before she had been lively and teased me about her mother making better jalebis than Khushi and now it looked as though all colour from her face was gone.

An innate instinct within me made me want to hug the child in front of me, I don’t know why. I don’t know this child, why was I feeling such a pull towards her? Pushing the thought away, I nodded and then moved onto the next child.

As I carried on my activity, my attention stayed with the little girl who wished for her father. There was something about this girl…

 

*****

 

Grabbing a board pen, I went over to the whiteboard and wrote out the three letters that we were to focus on. I pointed to the first letter.

 

“Does anyone know what letter this is?”

 

Only a few little hands shot up, one of them being Arushi. I asked her what the letter was and she correctly identified that it was a H and then proceeded to tell me that she had a H in her name.

I told her she was correct and then moved onto the next letter and the next child.

The morning session came to a close and the children all went to have their lunch. I escorted them to the canteen and then came back to my classroom to find Veer waiting for me.

 

“So, how was the morning buddy?”

“It actually went pretty well. The kids are all really well behaved and they’re just generally a good group of kids.”

“I’m glad it’s going well. I remember at the start of the year they were complete pains.”

“Have you found a teacher for them?”

“I haven’t. But I have a couple of people who I’m waiting to hear back from.”

 

I nodded, taking in what Veer was saying.

 

“Maybe… Maybe I can keep filling in until you find a permanent replacement. It’s not good for such little kids to have such instability.”

“Arnav… Are you sure?”

 

I thought about what I was saying. Did I really want to do this? But there was something about being around these kids that I was enjoying. I was drawn to them and I wanted to be responsible for educating them.

 

“I’m sure.”

Unwanted ~ Part 25

Khushi

As I walked towards my bedroom, I thought about what me and Veera mausi had talked about. She and Raj had always said that they thought I should tell Arnav about Arushi. When I first found out that I was pregnant, they had wanted me to tell him, but I didn’t. After she was born, they wanted me to contact him, but I couldn’t…

Sitting down on my bed, I opened up my bedside cabinet and took out the framed photograph of Arnav. Putting it down, I went over to the wardrobe and pulled out his jumper and slipped it on. These were the only two things of his that I had taken when I left. Coming back to the bed, I picked his picture back up and held it close to my chest. I still remembered the day I left. I played it all out in my head over and over again over the last 6 years…

 

*Flashback*

 

I awoke in the middle of the night, feeling thirsty and I found that there was no water in our room. Reaching out for my dressing gown at the end of the bed, I picked it up and slipped it on. Carefully peeling the sheets back, I got out of bed quietly so that I wouldn’t disturb the slumbering Arnav.

It was a early hours of the morning and we’d only gotten to sleep a little while ago after making love for the umpteenth time. He was exhausted and needed sleep.

Once out of bed, I quietly made my way to the door and out of our room. On my way to the kitchen, I saw that Nimisha’s bedroom light was still on. That was weird? It was almost 5am, why was her bedroom light on? I made my way towards her room, maybe she just forgot to switch it off?

As I moved towards her room, I heard sobbing and so moved closer until I was at the doorway. Peering into her room, I saw she was sat on the edge of her bed, her hands over her bulging belly, while tears flowed down her face. I moved closer to the doorway, wanting to go in and comfort her, but I stopped myself when I realised that she was talking to her baby.

 

“My sweetheart, how are you? Mama can’t wait to hold you… I… I don’t know how things are going to be when you arrive, but I promise, you’ll always have me even if you don’t have anyone else. Your papa… He may not accept us now, but in sure he will when you arrive. After all you are his baby, the moment he sees you, he won’t be able to not fall in love with you. Don’t worry, we will be a happy a little family, just you wait and watch baby.”

 

Moving away from the door, I realised I had tears in my own eyes. I stepped back and then as if in autopilot, I somehow ended back up in my bedroom.

Slipping my dressing gown off, I got back into bed and cuddled up to Arnav, wrapping my arm around him, holding him close to myself. I rested my face on his shoulder, my arm draped across his chest. I placed a light kiss on his neck as I thought about what I just witnessed.

Nimisha looked so… Broken. So defeated. She was never like that during the day. During the day she looked like she had so much hope, and was so happy. But what I saw just now…

I looked up at Arnav. He had promised me that all this stuff with Nimisha wouldn’t come between us, but was I being unfair? That baby, the innocent little baby that Nimisha was carry, they deserved a father. Everyone deserved to have a father. I knew in my heart, that Arnav was keeping away from Nimisha because of me and his love for me. But in keeping away from Nimisha, it meant he was keeping away from her baby too… His baby… Their baby. And that wasn’t fair. The baby was of no fault.

Sitting up in bed, I ran my hand through my hair. As long as I was around, Arnav would never be able to accept his baby. He would always stay away from the baby and Nimi because of me. Could I allow myself to be the reason a child grew up without their fathers love? I turned my attention to him, and took in his relaxed expressions. He was at so much peace right now. He hadn’t looked this peaceful whilst sleeping in weeks. I knew that I was the reason behind this ease that he had now. That I had helped him to relax in this manner. I knew he needed me as much as I needed him, but the baby… Me and Arnav, we were grown adults. We would be able to manage without each other, but the baby, the baby would come into this world completely helpless. Yes, the baby would have Nimisha but they needed their dad too.

Tugging on my hair, I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, I had to stay by Arnav. As his wife, I needed to be by him through this whole ordeal. And more than that, I had promised to spend the rest of my life with him. But, in doing that, I could come between him and his child.

I sat on the bed, thinking it all through. Swinging my legs out of bed, I made my decision. I knew what I needed to do, what the right thing to do was.

Looking outside, I saw that it was nearly sunrise and I knew that if I was serious about what I wanted to do, then I needed to do it soon.

I made my way over to my wardrobe and pulled out a small suitcase and quickly started putting in some clothes and essentials that I would need. I packed my toiletries, and then went over to Arnav’s wardrobe and pulled out my favourite jumper of his and put it in.

One may say that I was making a very rash decision, but I knew that if I didn’t do this now, I’d never be able to.

Once I was packed, I got dressed, making sure that I had money and my cards on me. Looking around the room, I picked up his photograph that was sat on my bedside table and pushed that into my suitcase as well.

Putting my suitcase and my handbag down by the door, I came back over to Arnav. Tears pricked my eyes as I realised what I was doing. I was leaving him… Breaking my promise to him. Sitting on the bed, I brushed his hair out of his eyes and placed a kiss on his forehead. Was I actually going to leave the man I loved?

Running my hand through his hair and then down his face, I realised how much I actually loved him. But I knew I needed to do this, if I didn’t, his baby would never get his love.

Moving back over to my side of the bed, I took out some paper and a pen out of my bedside drawer and wrote him a note.

 

“To my love…

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I’ll be long gone. I don’t have much time to write a long letter, explaining everything that’s going on in my head, but I just want you to know, I didn’t plan on leaving on. But I realised something tonight, and that’s that, as long as I am with you, your baby will never get your full attention or your love. And that isn’t right. The baby is innocent and she or he deserves all your love. Due to this, I am leaving.

I’m sorry Arnav, I really am. I wish I didn’t have to leave, I don’t want to leave, but in my heart I know this is the best option, the only option. I hope you can forgive me.

No matter what happens Arnav, know that I love you more than I love myself. You are my true love, my soulmate, my better half. But just because we love each other doesn’t mean we should be together. You always belonged to Nimisha, and this baby, your baby, it’s a sign that you were never truly mine.

I love you Arnav, I always will. And know that wherever I am, I will always love you and think about you. But I have to go. Please don’t try to find me, please accept my decision and please accept your baby. And please, be happy. That’s all I want.

Take care of yourself. I love you.

Forever yours no matter whare I am,

Khushi x.”

 

I went out to the poolside and picked a rose from the bush. Placing the rose and the note on his bedside table, I leaned down, pressed a kiss onto his lips, my tears falling onto his face. In that moment, I kind of wished he would wake up, that he’d see me and tell me to stop. But he didn’t wake up, he didn’t move, he was deep asleep.

Pulling away, I got back onto my feet and made my way over to the door. Turning to take in his slumbering form one last time, I was ready to go…

 

*****

 

Leaving Shantivan, I got into the first auto that came my way. When the man asked me where I wanted to go, I was stumped for a moment. Where did I want to go?

 

“Train station.”

 

I looked at Shantivan one last time before we set off. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. Upon arriving at the train station, I realised that I now had another decision to make, where was I going next? I knew I couldn’t stay here, if I did, he’d find me instantly. And I couldn’t go to my family as they wouldn’t understand why I was making this decision. I needed to go somewhere, far away from anyone I knew so I could really start my life again, far, far away from Arnav’s life. I picked the first city that came to mind. Mumbai.

Mumbai was far away enough for Arnav not to find me. Plus with so many people there, even if he found out I was there, it would take him a while to find me. Also going there, I’d be much more likely to be able to find myself a good job.

Using my card, I withdrew all my money from my account. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to buy me a ticket and would be enough to find me somewhere to live for a few weeks. As soon as I got there, I would need to start looking for a job, otherwise I’ll run out of money very fast.

Getting myself a train ticket to Mumbai, I quickly sent Arnav one last text.

 

“I love you baby.”

 

Switching my phone off, I pulled the SIM card out and brought myself a new one. I couldn’t risk using my existing one, he’d be able to track me down if he wanted to.

My train pulled up and I got on. Taking my seat, I took a last look a Delhi station. Only god knew if I would ever come back here again. As the train began to move, I took my old SIM card out and threw it out of the window.

This was a new beginning.

 

*****

 

An entire day later, I finally arrived in Mumbai. I was exhausted, I was hungry, I felt empty inside and my eyes were sore from all the crying that I had done on my way here. As soon as the train had pulled away from Delhi station, I started crying. And I kept crying for ages. How had I actually left everything that was important to me behind? How had I left Arnav? But there was no turning back now. Leaving Mumbai station, I really didn’t know where to go next. So I just sat down at a bench outside the station and picked up the newspaper that lay beside me. Maybe I’d find an advert for a job or for a place to stay. Flicking through the newspaper, I saw a number of adverts that could be relevant to me, so I slipped the newspaper into my bag. I would go through it properly later and call up people to see what they had.

Still sat at the bench, I tried to work out where to go next, but then I heard the sound of the bells in a mandir. Maybe going to the temple would be a good idea. I needed as much blessings as I could get. Getting up and getting hold of my bags, I followed the sound of the bells and soon enough, I found myself a huge mandir. As it was still early, the mandir was fairly quiet, not many people were around. I put my suitcase aside, hoping that no one would steal it.

As I made my way up to the mandir, I realised that there really wasn’t a lot of people around yet. There were a few other people there, other than that it was empty. I got right up to the front and put my hands together.

 

“Devi Maiyya, I am starting a new life, I have left everyone I care for and love, and I am trying to start my life over. You know why I have done what I have done, you know that I have done this with good intentions. Please bless me and help me settle into my new life. Please take care of my Arnav and my family for me. I know he is going to be very hurt, knowing I’ve left him, but please help him get over that and help him move forward with his life.

Please help me find somewhere to stay and help me find a job.”

 

I ended my prayer and as I turned to leave, I saw a middle aged woman watching me. She was stood fairly close to me, meaning that she would have heard everything that I said. I just smiled and moved to brush past her when she stopped me.

 

“Child, I’m sorry for overhearing your prayers, but from what I have heard I have come to the understanding that you need somewhere to stay?”

“I…”

 

I didn’t know what to say. What was I meant to say to a random woman who had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Devi Maiyya?

 

“I’m Veera. One of my sons and his wife have just moved out so I have a couple of rooms spare in my house. I live with my elder son, but he’s currently trying to set up his business so he’s never home. I have put an ad in the paper, but no one has got back to me yet…”

 

I considered what the lady was saying and to be fair, she didn’t seem like some kind of thug or someone who was messing with me. She seemed genuine and sweet. I decided to listen to what she had to say. After all, where else did I have to go?

I agreed to go and view the room and talk prices with her.

 

*Flashback end*

 

Deciding to take a chance on Veera mausi and taking her up on her offer was probably one of the best decisions I had ever made. The room that she was offering was a large one, and the rate she was asking for was more than affordable for me.

Initially when I had first moved in, I was responsible for cooking my own food. But as Veera mausi and I got to know each other better, meals started becoming more of a joint thing. I would help her in the kitchen to prepare food and we would eat together as opposed to eating the food we prepared for ourselves on our own.

She didn’t ask me about my past, or where I had come from and why. She understood that I had my reasons for leaving my life behind and she could tell that it wasn’t an easy decision that I had made. She could tell that I was hurting due to it. But she never asked, she gave me my space.

However, not long after moving in, I found myself opening up to her, telling her about everything. Once I told her all about myself, I found that we instantly grew closer and I started feeling more at home.

A few days after moving in, I found myself a little job. It wasn’t much, it was just cleaning someone’s house during the day and teaching their child maths and English in the evening, but the pay was good and it was enough for me to be able to pay my rent and put some money aside for other things.

For a while I hadn’t really met Raj properly. He would leave very early in the morning and would return late at night. But I knew he was around and he knew I was here too. Raj had been busy trying to get his business together and up and running. Once his business started to settle, that’s when we finally properly sat down and spoke to each other. It was also then that he offered me the job of his PA. I had told him that I couldn’t, I wasn’t qualified enough, but he had told me that his business was still only starting up, there wouldn’t be a lot for me to have to handle just yet. He and Veera mausi had faith in me so I took the job. It turned out that I was very good at it, not the best, but I managed to make it work.

Three months into my life in Mumbai and I had a sense of direction. Things were starting to settle down for me… Or so I thought.

 

*Flashback*

 

Getting up from the breakfast table, I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. What was happening to me? For the last three morning, as soon as I had my breakfast, I was sick. I didn’t understand what was happening to me.

Veera mausi rushed into my room after me and waited outside the bathroom.

 

“Khushi, are you okay dear?”

 

Once I felt my stomach settle, I rinsed out my mouth and washed my face properly before getting out of the bathroom.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I felt so weak, I felt like I couldn’t get the words out, so I just nodded. Raj knocked on my open bedroom door. I nodded for him to come in. He came inside and handed me a large glass of water.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Veera mausi made me sit down on the bed and she gestured for Raj to leave.

 

“Khushi, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Of course.”

“Beta… I know this is a very personal question, but I need to ask, have you had your period since you have been here with us?”

 

I shook my head. I knew what she was thinking, I had been worried myself. But after googling it, I realised that it wasn’t uncommon to miss periods. After leaving home, I had come off my birth control pills. Google said that once coming off them, it takes a while for the hormones within the body to regulate themselves. Plus I had been under a lot of stress, what with leaving home and having to get myself sorted. I had come to the conclusion that all of that was having an impact on my menstrual cycle.

 

“Khushi, I think you need to get a pregnancy test.”

 

I shook my head.

 

“Nehin mausi… I don’t think I need to. We… I was on the pill so I can’t be…”

“Khushi I know what you are saying, but I have been watching you the last week or so, even since before you started being sick every morning. I recognise the symptoms and I really think you need to get a test done.”

 

I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant. I had always made sure to take my pill at the same time every morning and I never missed… A sudden thought hit me then. After Nimisha had entered our lives, I had been a little bit stressed and I could remember not taking my pill every now and again. But at the same time, during that time me and Arnav weren’t really having sex either. Surely I couldn’t be pregnant…

 

*****

 

Veera mausi held me close to herself as I cried. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could this be happening?

 

“Sh.. Khushi, don’t cry sweetheart.”

“I don’t… What am I… I don’t know what to do. How…”

“Sh calm down child, everything is going to be okay.”

 

I wiped my tears and pulled myself out of her embrace. This was insane. I’ve been here for over three months meaning that I was a minimum of about 13 weeks pregnant.

I had taken a number of pregnancy tests, all had come back with the same result.

 

“I know you told me why you left home, but maybe you need to call your husband.”

“I can’t…”

“Khushi, I know this is a lot for you to think about at one time, but you need to call him. This isn’t just about you, you are carrying his baby. He needs to know.”

“I can’t… Nimisha should have recently have had her baby… I can’t…”

“You left him so that his baby with Nimisha would receive their fathers love. But what about your baby Khushi? For the sake of another woman’s child, are you really going to deprive your child of a father?”

“He’s moved on mausi. I showed you the article about his wedding to Nimisha. I can’t enter his life again now… I can’t make a mess of his life like that.”

“But what about you and your baby! How are you going to do this?”

 

Getting to my feet, I placed my hand on my belly.

 

“I will do this, on my own. I can’t make a mess of his life again. I will raise my baby on my own. I will do this!”

 

I turned to look at Veera mausi. I could tell that she wasn’t impressed with my decision but she didn’t say anything more. She came over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder.

 

“If this is what you think is best, then me and Raj will support you. But Khushi, I really think your husband deserves to know the truth.”

“Maybe one day I will contact him, but right now, I need to do this on my own.”

 

*Flashback end*

 

Finding out that I was pregnant was both one of the happiest moments of my life, but also one of the hardest. Life threw me a huge curveball, I felt like I was being punished. I had left Arnav so that Nimisha’s baby would get their father, but here I was, depriving my own child of her father. There were a number of times during my pregnancy when I had picked up my phone and I was ready to call Arnav, but I had to stop myself. I couldn’t mess up his life, not when I knew that he had started over.

During my pregnancy, I worked. Raj tried to stop me, even threatened to fire me, but I needed to make sure that I had enough money. It wasn’t just about me any more, I had a baby coming who I needed to raise. Despite Raj and Veera mausi’s protests, I carried on working up until a few weeks before I gave birth.

My pregnancy was a relatively easy one and giving birth wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated it to be. But holding my baby for the first time was the hardest thing to do. Arnav should have been beside me, he should’ve been holding our baby with me, but he wasn’t. At first, it was hard. Taking care of our baby was hard. And I was grateful that I had Veera mausi and Raj who treated me and Arushi as their own and took care of us both. As time passed, it got easier and I was able to do everything myself.

Once me and Arushi had gotten into a routine, I went back to work. Raj had insisted that everything would be managed, that he would cover my costs, but I didn’t want to be a burden on them. So I went to work, I made my money, and then I would come home and look after my daughter.

That was how my life had been all those years ago and that was still how my life was. Over the years, alongside working for Raj, I also tutored children and due to which I had quite an income. I had enough money saved away to move out of Veera mausi’s home and maybe move somewhere where I wouldn’t have to be living with other people. But I liked being here and Raj and Veera mausi had become our own people. I couldn’t leave them now and even if I wanted to, they wouldn’t let us.

I had left everything that mattered to me behind in Delhi, but here in Mumbai I had managed to find myself a new family, and I had Arushi, my reason to live.

Life wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either.

Unwanted ~ Part 24

Arnav

Being in Mumbai has been the best thing ever. Given, the food isn’t as good as it is in Delhi, but the fresh sea air has been good for me, and I feel so much more at ease. I haven’t felt this free in a long time.

There wasn’t that much that needed to be done in regards with AR. There were some minor issues, but the moment I looked over it, changed some details around, everything fell back into place. I needed to be here for a few weeks still, just to look over the running, but really, if I wanted to I could have gone home. But I didn’t want to. It was nice living on my own, not being woken up every morning to the sound of kids screaming. And in the evenings I liked coming down to the beach. It reminded me of mine and Khushi’s honeymoon in Bali.

Being here, a lot of things reminded me of Khushi. At the moment it seemed like I couldn’t get her out of my head. It felt as though she was close to me and that she was trying to make me realise that she was here. It could be possible, but I’d already had the city checked years back and there was no sign of Khushi here. Maybe between then and now she had moved here, but I didn’t know. Maybe I should get someone to see if they could find anything out about her again.

Getting into bed, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever did find Khushi again. Would we rush into each other’s arms, would we kiss? Or would she try to avoid me and run away?

Six years had passed, but every memory related to her was still as bright and clear as ever. I could remember it all so clearly, how things were, how happy we were, until…

 

*Flashback*

 

“Chote, come downstairs now!”

 

I turned to Khushi, her eyes wide as she held the sheets close to her body. It was our six month anniversary and we were celebrating by spending the day in bed.

I rolled over, pressed a kiss between her lips while I let my hands wander along her naked body. She squealed and pushed me off, and I laughed as I put my clothes on and got out of bed.

I love Di, but she knew me and Khushi just wanted to spend time alone. We were meant to go away, but at the last minute a new project came up and I couldn’t go anywhere, my hands were completely tied. But I’d taken the time out today, just to spend our half a year anniversary together and now Di was making me get out of bed.

I turned to Khushi who stretched in bed before covering herself properly again with the sheets.

 

“You go and see to Di, I’m waiting for you to come back.”

 

She gave me a wink and I laughed before getting out. I made my way down the stairs and as I went down, I saw that everyone was stood in the hall. What was going on?

 

“Di?”

 

Di moved out of the way and I froze where I was. Nimisha? What was she doing her. Di came over to me, her eyes wide with anger.

 

“Is it true?”

“What’s going on?”

 

I looked between Di and Nimisha, still not understanding what was going on. And then I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. Nimi was heavily pregnant. But why was she here?

 

“Is it yours?”

“What?”

“Her baby! Is it yours?”

“What?!”

 

Now it was my turn to have wide eyes. Why was Di asking me this? Why was Nimisha here?

 

“No! Of course not!”

“Chote, just tell us the truth.”

 

Now it was Nani. What truth? What was I meant to say to them!

 

“Nani, no! This isn’t my baby? Nimisha, what’s going on here?”

“I didn’t want to do this Arnav. I didn’t want to come and get you involved, but… I know you’re married and happy with your wife but… I can’t handle this on my own. I need you.”

“Nimisha. We broke up. I can’t help you. Maybe you should go and speak to your baby’s father.”

“Hello hi bye bye Arnav bitwa, that’s what she is doing!”

 

I looked between my family and Nimisha. Wait… Was she trying to say that… We’re they actually convinced…

 

“It’s not my baby!”

 

This was insane. Why did she think I was her baby’s father? How could I be her baby’s dad when I’ve never even slept with her? How had she made my family believe that I was her baby’s father?

 

“I’m really sorry! But Arnav, the baby is yours…”

“No! Absolutely not! It’s not possible.”

“I’ve never been with anyone else like that Arnav, there’s no doubt.”

“Nimisha, I broke up with you when I saw a love bite on you. Maybe the one who gave you that is your baby’s father.”

“He isn’t. Nothing happened between us. Well, nothing that could have left me pregnant.”

“Nimi this is insane! You know we never shared any kind of relationship like that! How can you possibly think this is my baby?”

 

I hear a loud gasp behind me. Turning around, I see Khushi, fully dressed, stood at the foot of the stairs, her face completely pale. I rush over to her side, taking her hands into my own.

 

“Khushi, I swear to you, this is all a misunderstanding!”

“There’s no misunderstanding Arnav. It’s taken me over 2 months to put it altogether, but I know now. Remember a couple of nights before you’re wedding we went out? We were both tense about what was going to happen, how things were going to end up. We both got a bit drunk that night and I remember some things that happened between us, but I couldn’t remember it all. Now however, after really thinking about it… I… You are the father Arnav.”

 

Khushi’s hand fell away from mine, tears threatening to pour out of her eyes.

 

“This is insane! Nimisha, stop this! I know I can’t be your baby’s father. I never touched you like that! I know I didn’t. The only person I’ve ever had such relations with is Khushi.”

 

I turned my attention to Khushi, cupping her face.

 

“Khushi, Khushi you remember our first night together right? You remember how nervous I was, how inexperienced I was… If that wasn’t my first night, I wouldn’t have been like that, we both know it!”

 

I could tell she was thinking about our first night and I watched as she nodded slightly, but I don’t think she was completely believing me. I felt like I was becoming slightly hysterical, why was no one believing me? I know this baby can’t be mine! I know it! In my heart, I know.

 

“Arnav I know this is hard to take in, but if you want I am willing to take a prenatal paternity test. I have already spoken to my doctor about it and we can have it done. But I know that this baby is ours.”

“Why are you coming to me so late in your pregnancy about this. If you are saying you got pregnant after an alleged night before I got married, then you’re near enough 6 and a half months. Why are you only telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 4 months along. And when I did, I was so confused. But I knew you were happy and I didn’t want to come between you and Khushi. So I decided I would keep this to myself and not involve you. But I have been really struggling. My parents turned their back when they found out I was pregnant and I couldn’t manage on my own. I didn’t know what else to do, I had to come to you.”

 

I shook my head and turned away. Khushi had dropped my hand again and her eyes were fixed on Nimisha. I watched as Di took hold of Nimisha and led her into the living area and sat her down on the sofa. Di sat down beside her.

 

“Where are you staying?”

“I had rented myself a home, but I couldn’t afford to pay this months rent… I came here to ask Arnav if I could borrow some money…”

“You don’t need to borrow money, I think you should stay with us.”

 

I turned to Di, I could tell I had a look of shock of my face.

 

“Di…”

“Chote, she’s come here to ask for money from you because she needs it to take care of your child. But knowing she is carrying your child, I can’t just send her away. And we have the space so Nimisha can stay with us until we sort all this out.”

 

At this point, Khushi rushed away, towards our bedroom.

 

“Di, we can’t! I’m married! Do you understand how hard this is going to be for Khushi if you insist my ex stays with us?”

“Khushi is sensible and will learn to deal with it. Besides, this won’t affect yours and Khushi’s relationship. Nimisha is simply going to be here because she is carrying the Raizada family heir. She’s not trying to take Khushi’s place in your life.”

 

I shook my head, I couldn’t deal with this right now. I was just about to leave when I turned my attention back to Nimisha.

 

“Thanks for ruining our half a year anniversary.”

 

I went up to our bedroom and slowly pushed the door open to find Khushi sat on the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest, tears rolling down her face.

 

“Khushi…”

 

She wiped the tears away, but she didn’t look at me. Sitting down beside her, I placed a finger under her chin and raised her face so she was looking at me.

 

“Baby…”

“I’m not upset, I’m fine. It’s just a bit shocking…”

“Khushi I don’t know what’s going on, but I can bet my life there’s some misunderstanding. The baby can’t be mine! I’ve never slept with her.”

“Why would she lie about this though. Maybe you have just forgotten…”

“Khushi, I wouldn’t forget something like that.”

 

Shaking her head, she turned away from me. I tried to move towards her, take her into my arms, but she brushed me away.

 

“If you push me away, I won’t be able to get through this. I need you…”

“And I will always be by your side, I just need some time to process all this. But I’m always here for you, I promise…”

 

*Flashback ends*

 

I sit up in bed and run my hand through my hair. For a while she kept her promise, she stood by me even after Nimisha did the prenatal paternity test and it came back saying that there was a match with my DNA and the baby’s DNA.

She held me close to her when I cried that night, when I expressed to her that I was confused and that I was scared. She comforted me, whispered words of love and support in my ears.

For a while everything was going well. Nimisha was living with us in our house, but she wasn’t having any impact on our relationship. She stayed out of our way, and we out of hers. Khushi promised me that she would support me throughout the whole ordeal. That she didn’t care if I had a child with someone else. She knew I loved her more than anything, and that was enough for her.

But as Nimisha’s due date neared, she became more needy and Khushi started distancing herself from me. I remembered our last night together clear as anything, but of course at the time I didn’t know it would be our last night together…

 

*Flashback*

 

“I can’t do this Arnav. I can’t! It’s too much! I’ve tried… You know I have. I want to be here for you, but it’s so weird, watching her make you touch her belly to feel your baby… I can’t… Please let me go to Buaji’s for a few days.”

“You can go, but Khushi, I need you here.”

 

I moved closer to her, needing to touch her. The last couple of days, she had been distant. She’d go to sleep before I got to bed or she’d come to bed long after I went to sleep. If on the odd occasion we got to bed at the same time, she would feign fatigue and would say she was too tired to have sex. I wasn’t missing the sex, I was missing her. I missed being close to her, holding her against me…

She kept herself busy at all times, always seeming to remember something that needed to be done whenever I moved in to kiss her…

 

“This is so intense, I didn’t think…”

“Yes it’s intense, that’s why I need you, Khushi I… I won’t be able to handle anything without you.”

 

I closed the distance between us, and wrapped my arms around her before pressing my face into the crook of her neck. Placing small kisses on her neck, I pulled her further into myself before sweeping her off her feet and putting her down on the bed. I pulled back slightly, but she pulled me onto herself again, her hands in my hair as she guided my face onto hers, pressing her lips between mine. In an instant, our kiss became passionate, our bodies moving against the others, our hands rushing over the others body, needing to touch each other’s bare skin.

Her hands found their way under my t-shirt, mine found their way on the hem of her kameez. I broke the kiss, needing to get her clothes off. She didn’t protest. Pulling her kameez off and then pulled her bra off, I let myself kiss every inch of her exposed skin, focusing on her pebbled nipples. Seven and a half months into our marriage and I was still obsessed with her breasts. I loved how average sized they were. They weren’t large, but they weren’t small either, they were the perfect size for her body and for my hands…

 

“Ah… Mmm…”

 

Little sighs left her lips as I ran my tongue over the sensitive tip of her nipple, her hands tightening in my hair. I let my hand move along her body, touching every one of her perfect curves before dropping to her shelwar. I pulled at the shelwar, making it come loose before pushing it away. Her legs wrapped around my waist as we carried on kissing each other, she was busy trying to get my clothes off…

Once we had got all of our clothes off, she pulled me close to herself, covering her body with my own. I trailed kisses all the way down her body, from her forehead all the way to her inner thighs. She held me close through the whole process, her hand gripped in my hair while the other bunches up the sheets beside her.

When I moved back over her, she was completely breathless, anticipating what was to come as though it was our first night all over again.

 

“I love you…”

“I love you too.”

“Stay with me?”

“Always…”

 

*Flashback ends*

 

We’d made love over and over again that night. Maybe it was a sign that it would have been our last night together, but I don’t think either of us at that point thought it would be. When we’d made love that night, it didn’t feel like an ending. What she was doing to me, it didn’t feel like she was doing it because she knew she was going to leave me.

We’d made love, promising to be by each other through it all. Giving ourselves up to each other all over again.

But when I awoke early in the afternoon of the next day she was gone…

 

*Flashback*

 

I reached out to Khushi’s side of the bed, only to find it cold and empty. I rolled onto my side and opened my eyes. Sure enough she wasn’t in bed. Getting up, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock, it was almost 1pm! How had I slept for so long? But then memories of last night came back to me. We’d made love to each other well into the early hours of the morning. It had felt good, to come together like that after so long, it felt like she had pushed away any insecurities and given herself to me all over again.

I lay back in bed, smiling as I remembered how I’d touched her and how she’d touched me. How her body felt against mine, under mine…

Getting up again, I looked around the room. It was obvious she’d probably woken up and started her day, I couldn’t expect her to have stayed in bed with me until so late. Stretching, I prepared to get myself out of bed. As I swung my legs out of bed, I noticed something I hadn’t seen before, a note with a rose on my bedside table.

At first I was confused, but then I felt myself relaxing. This must be one of Khushi’s romantic gestures so that she could tell me how she felt about last night.

Smiling, I picked it up and began reading…

As I read, I felt the rose slip out from between my fingers and onto the floor, she was gone.

 

*Flashback ends*

 

I sat up in bed as it all came back to me. I ran my hand through my hair. A letter… That was all I got. She never called me after to explain herself, not even a letter. Just like that, she was gone. After sharing on of the most beautiful nights together, she left me, just like that. I was still naked from our deeds of the night before and she left me.

I’d done everything to find her. I’d called her, called her family, had her cards tracked. I called the airport, the train station and the bus station, but I must have been too late. She must have been well out of the city before I made all those calls. I extended my search after that. But she’d vanished…

Lying back in bed, I rolled onto my side, facing the side of the bed where she should’ve been, but as always, her side of the bed remained empty. She was gone. And I didn’t know how to find her.

Unwanted ~ Part 23

Khushi

It was nearing 8am and Raj wasn’t awake yet. That was unusual, normally he was always awake by 7 at the latest.

 

“Mama, can I go and wake papa up?”

“Go on then, tell him it’s 8 o’clock.”

 

Arushi ran off towards the bedroom. Moments later I heard a squeal of laughter and heard the sound of feet running. I heard Arushi before I saw her, she ran out, closely followed by Raj who was shirtless and had his track bottoms slung low on his hips. Arushi came and hide behind me, and Raj reached behind me, trying to grab hold of her. But he missed and ended up pulling me towards himself.

Hands placed on Raj’s chest, I looked up at him with wide eyes, feeling a blush creep across my face. His arm crept round my waist, holding me where I was.

 

“Hi.”

“Hi…”

“Sleep well?”

“As always.”

 

He moved his arm away, and pulled away from me before turning his attention back to the little monkey hiding behind me. Taking hold of her hand, he pulled her towards himself.

 

“If you jump on me again tomorrow, I’m going to jump on you!”

 

Arushi laughed as she ran away. Raj too laughed before turning away and heading back for his bedroom. Just as he was about to enter his room, he turned around to face me once more.

 

“Do you want a lift to work or are you taking your car afterwards?”

 

I thought about it for a second before giving him an answer.

 

“Is it okay if I go with you today?”

“Yeah that’s absolutely fine.”

 

He smiled before going into his bedroom again. I was about to turn away when he popped his head out again.

 

“Khushi, mom’s coming home today.”

“I know, I’ve already made up her room and prepared some food.”

“You didn’t need to do that.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

 

He nodded at me, his way of saying thanks before going back into his bedroom.

 

*****

 

The three of us got into Raj’s car, me and him at the front, Arushi strapped in her car seat at the back.

We went to Arushi’s school first, dropping her off before we head off to work. As Raj pulled up at the school, he turned his attention to Arushi, asking her who she wanted to walk her into school. Naturally, she picked him.

I leaned over, giving Arushi a kiss whilst Raj helped her out of the car. I watched as the father-daughter duo made their way over to the school gates. I watched as Arushi talked animatedly to him and he listened, replying to her in an equally animated manner.

Raj was a natural father. From the moment Arushi was born, the bond with her was there. And as she got older, he adapted with her effortlessly. Sometimes I still felt like she was a baby, but he always treated her according to her age and this was highly appreciated by her.

Moments later, I saw Raj reemerge as he made his way back to the car.

 

“She went inside?”

“She ran inside. We know how she is with school.”

“I used to be like that when I was little.”

 

Raj laughed as he started pulling out of the school car park and made his way towards the office.

 

“You know Khushi, it’s weird, but I see so much of myself in Arushi.”

“It’s not weird. You’re her father, you’ve brought her up as much as I have.”

“I know, but… I’m not actually her dad and all of us know that. But sometimes, I find myself looking at her and I think, if anyone didn’t know better, they’d think she really was my daughter.”

 

I understood what he was saying. Sometimes I’d sit and I’d watch them, and I would see so much of Raj in Arushi. Her kind, playful nature, all of that, she had learnt from him. The way she spoke, the way she walked, it was all Raj.

But the moment things didn’t go her way or she didn’t like something, I saw Arnav in her. Her anger, her attitude, it all screamed of Arnav.

 

*****

 

I was sat working at my desk when Jai came and told me that Raj had called me to his office. Sighing, I got to my feet and made my way up to Raj’s office.

Knocking on his door, I waited for him to call me inside.

 

“Come in.”

 

Pushing the door open, I found Raj stood by his window, looking slightly tense. I shut the door behind me and went straight over to him.

 

“What’s wrong?”

“Khushi I… I was looking at the newspaper and I saw that…”

“What did you see?”

“Arnav is coming to Mumbai.”

“What?”

“There’s been some major issues in the Mumbai branch of AR. And due to that Arnav is coming to get it sorted. Khushi, I know you don’t want him to find you and that the city is huge, but I thought you should know…”

“It’s okay, thank you for telling me. I don’t think we have any reason to worry. He doesn’t know I’m here and he won’t be looking for me so…”

 

I watched as Raj’s expression changed. He looked tense. I placed my hand on his shoulder and guided him to his chair and made him sit down.

I sat down next to him, perched on his desk.

 

“I know why you’re worried, but you have no reason to be worried. You know everything that happened, you know why I can’t go back to him. You don’t have to worry, me and Arushi aren’t going to abandon you and go to Arnav.”

“But Khushi, don’t you think he has a right to know about Arushi?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“He has his own child with Nimisha. In all these years they probably have another child. Arnav doesn’t need me or Arushi. He may have created Arushi with me, but you, Raj, you brought her up with me. You’re her father and no one has more paternal right over her than you do.”

“I know all this, but Khushi, Arushi knows I’m not her real dad. We always made it clear to her that she has another father. One who lives in Delhi, who is very busy but one who loves her. She knows the truth and we both know that one day she wants to meet him. Don’t you think we should…”

“Raj please. It’s been six years, so much has happened, so much has changed. Why are we getting stuck over this now.”

“You know why Khushi. You say so much has changed but you’re still wearing the mangalsoothra he tied around your neck and you fill your maang with sindoor for him every morning.”

 

I slide off the desk and turned away.

 

“Khushi, I still remember how I found you that first day, I remember how upset you were, how broken you were. And then just as you started to come to terms with your life, you found out you were pregnant. Khushi, I remember it all. And I see you now… I’ve seen you sit in your room, holding his picture close to yourself. I see it all Khushi.”

“Please.”

 

We haven’t spoken about all this stuff in the longest time, and I don’t want to speak about it now. Yes, I still missed Arnav, yes, I still had his mangalsoothra tied around my neck, yes, I still filled my maang with sindoor in his name… But that doesn’t change reality. And the reality is we don’t belong to each other any more. He isn’t mine and I’m not his. Life changed and I need to really move on.

 

“Can I go?”

“Khushi…”

“Can I go now please?”

“Can we talk about this at home?”

“There’s nothing to speak about. I don’t want to see him and I don’t want Arushi to see him. He doesn’t know about Arushi and it should stay like that.”

“But…”

“I’m her mother and I am telling you I don’t want him anywhere near my daughter. End of story Raj.”

 

He looked slightly taken aback. I’d never spoken to him in that manner before, but I had no choice. I know Arnav has moved on with his life, he moved on long ago, hence why he married Nimisha. If I tried to re-enter his life now with Arushi, there was a high risk of him pushing us both away. And I couldn’t risk that.

He had always loved Nimisha, she was his first choice. And now he was with her. I couldn’t put myself out there, couldn’t try to go back to him. He would reject me. And I couldn’t put myself through that. And I couldn’t put Arushi through that either. I couldn’t expose her to that. I just couldn’t.

 

*****

 

As I got home, I could smell pakoras and that could only mean one thing.

 

“Veera mausi?”

 

I walked into the kitchen, and there before me was my little angel and her nani.

 

“Mausi! You’re back! How was your trip?”

“As always, Rahul drove me crazy as did those kids of his, but it was nice. But I’m glad to be home now.”

“Has Arushi been troubling you?”

“Not at all! She’s been telling me all about what she’s been doing while I’ve been away.”

 

Veera walked over to where Arushi and the pakora were and handed the plate to me.

 

“Have one beta?”

“Nehin mausi, I’m just going to go and freshen up. Arushi, come let’s get you changed.”

 

Arushi rushed ahead of me and I watched as she made her way over to our bedroom. I was about to leave when Veera mausi took hold of me.

 

“Khushi, what’s the matter? You only refuse me pakoras when you are upset about something or stressed about something.”

“No I’m fine…”

“Khushi, you know you can’t hide anything from me. Have you and Raj had an argument about something?”

 

I shook my head and sighed as I sat down at the table. I explained about how Arnav was going to be in the city and how Raj wanted me to go and speak to him about Arushi.

 

“If you don’t think you are ready to face him, then don’t. But Khushi, one day you are going to have to let Arushi meet her dad. You decided right at the beginning that you were going to tell Arushi the truth about Raj not being her dad, that her dad was someone else. She may not ask questions now, and may accept Raj, but one day she will understand better and you will have to tell her who he is and if she wants to meet him, you’ll have to let her.”

“I know but… What if he isn’t what she’s expecting, or what if he turns her away…”

“Are you worried for Arushi, or yourself?”

“Maybe it’s a bit of both. I don’t know!”

 

She pat my shoulder and offered me a pakora before getting to her feet once more.

 

“No one expects you to make a decision now Khushi, but one day you will have to let Arushi meet her real dad, whether he accepts he or not is something else. But just know, me and Raj will always be here for you and Arushi.”

 

Getting to my feet, I gave Veera mausi a hug before rushing off after Arushi. She was right. Regardless of what happened, Raj would always love Arushi, at least she would always have a father in him. But Arnav… Every time I thought about Arnav, it felt like a knife going straight through my body. I had made the decision to leave Arnav but… My life was a mess, it had been for over six years now and there was no end in sight to this mess.

Maybe one day things would be better. One day…

Unwanted ~ Interlude I

Payal

I shut the door behind bhai, and I moved back and sat down on the bed.

I couldn’t stand it, the way he spoke to me, the way he looked at me. He acted like he cared about me, but if he cared for me, he couldn’t have let my sister leave. He wouldn’t have let Khushi go. Or even if she had still managed to go, he would have found her by now. He wouldn’t have married someone else, no matter what the circumstances had been.

Going over to my dresser, I pulled out my little box and opened it. Inside were envelopes containing all the letters that Khushi had sent me over the years. She didn’t write often, tops of maybe 3 times a year. But there was never a return address so I could never write back to her.

I pulled out a letter at random and found that it was the first ever one she wrote to me after leaving. Taking it out of its envelope, I sat down with it.

 

“Dear Jiji,

I hope my letter finds you in good health. I am doing well, I was unwell for a while, but I am well now. I know that you are probably really angry at me for leaving and not telling you, but I couldn’t do anything. Even the night before I left, I didn’t know that that would be the last night I would spend at the Raizada house with my husband. I didn’t plan to leave… It’s just something I had to do. I’m sure by now you are aware what happened. But I am writing to you to explain what I was thinking when I left. What caused me to decide to leave.

Initially, even after Nimisha returned, I didn’t plan on leaving. I was ready to stay with Arnav, to support him through her pregnancy. I knew he loved me, and no matter what happened, he would always care for me. But then I thought about it and realised that if I stayed, his priorities would always be with me. And as much as I wanted that, I realised that that wasn’t fair or right. He may not love Nimisha any more, but he did at one point, and she’s carrying the evidence of his love. He may not love her any more, but that baby is still his. The baby deserves his love and if I’m there, he’ll never be able to accept the baby.

I hope you can understand why I did what I did. I hope that you support my decision and that you forgive me for leaving without telling you. Maybe one day I will return, or maybe I’ll just come to see you, but right now, I think it would be best if I just stayed away.

Take care of yourself Jiji, and if he needs comfort, please be there for him. Reassure him that I love him more than I love my own life, and it’s because I love him that I have had to leave. Tell him that no matter how far I am from him, I will never forget about him, that I will never stop loving him. But sometimes, even those who truly love each other cannot be together. And that is us.

I will write again soon, I promise.

I love you always Jiji and you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Khushi.

PS: I know I haven’t given a return address, but it’s because I don’t want anyone to know where I am. If anyone knows, Arnav will come looking for me, and he can’t find me. For the sake of the baby, he can’t find me.”

 

Tears streamed down my face. I remember receiving this letter for the first time, I remember the initial shock. I was still so angry at her, I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t give me her address or her number. I’m still angry with her.

I put the letter back and pull out a different one. I opened it up and realised that it was the one I received a few months after my wedding.

 

“To my dearest Jiji,

I hope you are doing very, very well!

I am doing fine. I’ve been working (what’s new, all I seem to do is work) and that’s about all I have been doing. It’s been a few years, but I feel like I’m really settling into my new life now. I’m hoping that’s the case for Arnav as well. Although, I feel like maybe he would’ve settled a long time ago.

I don’t really have much to say in this letter, I just wanted to check in on you so that you know I am well and that I’m happy.

I will write again,

Love you,

Your Khushi.”

 

This had been such a short letter, but it meant so much. If there had been a return address, the response to this letter would have been a very long one. I would’ve told her about my marriage.

When me and Akash got married, it was hard. I feel like I didn’t enjoy my wedding and the build up to my wedding the way I should’ve done. My sister should have been by my side, the way I had been for her at her wedding. But she wasn’t here and I was alone.
Even after getting married I struggled. Me and Akash didn’t consummate our marriage for over a week after we got married. I don’t know why, I couldn’t do it. My sister should’ve been here. She should’ve been in this very house. She should have been in the bedroom beside mine, but she wasn’t.

Wiping my tears away, I pulled out another envelope and took out the letter. This was the second letter she ever wrote to me, and only came a few weeks after the first.

 

“Dear Jiji,

I hope you are well. I am relatively well considering the circumstances.

I read in the newspaper the other day that Arnav and Nimisha had got married. I must admit, it did come as a shock to me. I had imagined them raising their child together, but it never occurred to me that they would marry. Maybe that was me being naive. Perhaps I should’ve realised that this would happen. But regardless, I was shocked when I read the news and I must admit, it did upset me a bit. I wanted him to move on and be happy with his baby… I just didn’t think I’d be replaced so soon. But I am glad he is happy. He deserves to be happy.

I guess there really is no space in his life for me any more, I guess I won’t be coming back into his life.

I really miss you Jiji. Maybe soon we can meet up one day? I don’t know.

Take care of yourself Jiji and take care of Amma and babuji and buaji. Tell them all that I love them and I miss them all so very much.

Tell Arnav… No don’t tell him anything.

I will write again soon Jiji, take care of yourself, I love you.

Love,

Khushi.”

 

She thought Arnav bhai got married out of choice. She thought he moved on and was ready to start afresh. He wasn’t. He didn’t want to get married, Di and Nani made him in order to save Nimisha and the Raizada family name. They didn’t want the Raizada heir to be born to an unwed mother. The wedding had been a small affair. Family only. Even me, Amma, babuji and buaji hadn’t been invited. But I guess it made sense. It would have been weird for us to see him get married to someone else.

I remember Arnav bhai coming to see me after the wedding, he had actually cried. He asked for my forgiveness, reassured me that he loved Khushi and only Khushi. That he would remain loyal to her for as long as he lived. As far as what I know, he stuck to this promise, he did remain loyal to Khushi. As much as I didn’t like Nimi, we did talk and I knew from her that to this day, she and bhai have not shared any kind of relationship and that their marriage still hasn’t been consummated.

That day he had cried some more, saying he didn’t want any of this, he just wanted Khushi back. He begged me to tell him if I knew where she was, if I had heard from her. I told him the truth, that I didn’t know where she was and I told him about the letter. He asked if he could read it and I took it out and gave it to him.

I’d watched as he sat and cried as he read her words. It felt so weird, seeing him cry like that. I was so angry at Khushi in that moment. She shouldn’t be making him cry like that.

She should be here, happy, by his side. But she wasn’t.

 

I kept going through the letters, reading them all one after another. All her letters came to our house and Amma would tell me to go and collect it.

Finally finding the last letter, I started reading it again.

 

“Jiji! How are you? I hope you are doing very very very well! I am well, I have been busy with life, but not a moment has passed when I haven’t thought about all of you guys.

I was in bed the other night and I thought about something. I have been gone for almost 6 years! I didn’t even realise so much time had passed! It also hit me that you have probably got married! And you may even have your own Aloo Kumar or Puri Kumari! I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this before!

Well if you are married and if you do have a child, please say hi to jijaji for me and give a BIG kiss to my sweet niece or nephew. Tell them that even though they don’t know me, I love them.

Jiji, I miss you all the time. You are probably the person I miss the most. I wish I could come to see you, but I fear that if I come, I won’t be able to leave again.

How are Amma, babuji and buaji? Please tell them that I am always thinking about them and that I love them more than anything.

I love you all so so much,

Khushi.”

 

In this letter she had mentioned children and I wanted to tell her about Akshay. She didn’t know, didn’t have a clue that he existed and that hurt. She should know! She should have been here to spoil her nephew. But she wasn’t.

In Khushi’s letters she asked about Arnav bhai less and less, and it made me think, had she moved on with life? Six years is a long time, and a lot has changed, had she met someone else and started a new life? Or had she just come to terms with the fact that he had a new life and she was no longer a part of it?

I remember her telling me years ago that she had a job and it made me wonder if she was still working. I wondered what she was like, was she still the same old Khushi or had she changed?

Over the years, I’d searched her up on Facebook, I’d googled her, even called up random businesses asking if she worked for them, but there was no trace. Khushi had vanished. If it weren’t for these letters, one would think she fell off the face of the earth. Bhai knew people everywhere, and had people from all over find out if they could find her, but no one came up with any results. He had travelled from city to city, looking for her, but he couldn’t find her. She was missing.

When we were kids and when we played hide and seek, I would always win. I’d always find Khushi. Sometimes it took me all of 5 minutes, other times slightly longer. But I always found her, no matter where she was hiding. Why was I struggling now? Why hadn’t I been able to find her yet?

Wiping my tears away, I put all the letters back and closed the box. Maybe that’s what I needed to do. Put all my memories and emotions related to Khushi into a box and put them away. Maybe it was time to finally let get and move on with life…

Maybe.

Unwanted ~ Part 22

Arnav

My bags packed, I was ready to leave for Mumbai. Di had been annoyed that I was just suddenly leaving like this, but she couldn’t say much. I was leaving for work after all. But regardless, she walked into my room, and I knew she was going to try and convince me to take them with me one last time.

 

“But if you’re going for a long time then you should take Nimisha and Pari with you.”

“Di, I’m going for work. It’s not a holiday.”

“I know, but it’s not good for you to be away from your wife and daughter for so long.”

“Di please. If I take them, they’ll just be a distraction.”

“Chote, your wife and your child are meant to be your priority.”

 

I didn’t want to lose my temper with Di but Di wasn’t the same as she used to be. She was so much more forceful and there was so much more friction between us. Even while we were growing up we didn’t argue as much as we did now.

 

“Di please!”

“What please? You can argue all you like but Nimi and Pari are the most important people in your life. You’re still hung up over her when…”

“Don’t. Don’t say anything against Khushi.”

“You still defend her and care for her, but did she care for you? She just left you.”

“Di please. Just leave okay.”

 

I hated speaking to Di like that, but I couldn’t bare it when she started to speak about Khushi like this.

 

“You may not be able to accept the truth Chote, but one day you will realise that while you pined over her, you missed out so much with Nimisha and Pari.”

 

Turning away, Di left. I seriously don’t understand her sometimes. Initially when I wanted to marry Nimisha, she was against it and went and found Khushi. Now that I’m in love with Khushi, she expects me to accept Nimisha? My life is a joke and this is one of the main reasons why I need to get out of this house.

Stuff packed, passport and boarding pass in my pocket, I was ready to leave. I looked around my bedroom, making sure that I had picked up everything when Nimisha arrived in front of me.

 

“Hey.”

“I need to go, I’ll miss my flight otherwise.”

“Arnav, I know you have time.”

 

Sighing, I let go of my suitcase and folded my arms across my chest.

 

“What is it?”

“I know you aren’t sure when you’re going to be back, but it’s Father’s Day in about a month. Will you be back in time so that you can take Pari to the Father’s Day functions at her school?”

“I don’t know when I’m going to be back. As for the Father’s Day functions, maybe it’s time you got Pari’s real dad to take her.”

 

She stood her, her shoulders down. She looked exhausted.

 

“Arnav… When will you accept us? Pari is your daughter! She doesn’t have any other dad! When will you accept her?”

“I can’t accept her because I know she isn’t mine. Nimisha, no matter what you say, no matter how many times you try to convince me we did it at a party whilst in a drunken state, I still won’t believe you. I know I’ve never touched you like that and I know Pari can’t be my kid.”

“But she is! And I’m your wife!”

“Look, I need to go.”

 

I pushed past her with my things. Six years on she was still trying to convince me that Pari was my daughter when I knew that she couldn’t be. I don’t know what Nimi’s game is, and frankly I couldn’t care less any more. Yes it was hard, having them there all the time, but generally, I didn’t care. Their presence didn’t make much of a difference to me. Sometimes I did feel harsh, treating Pari the way I did. After all she was just a child, innocent, she had no faults of her own. But her mother left a bitter taste in my mouth, had ruined my life, and because of that I couldn’t look at Pari the way I should’ve.

As far as Nimisha being my wife went, yes she was my wife, but not in my eyes or the eyes of the law. As me and Khushi never legally separated, Khushi is still my legally wedded wife.

When Nimisha arrived saying that she was pregnant with my child, Di was adamant that we had to marry in order to save both Nimisha’s name and the name of the Raizada family. I didn’t have much of a choice. I received pressure from everyone to marry Nimi and by this point Khushi had already left me. I fought, saying that I couldn’t and that I wouldn’t, but not a single member of my family listened to me. So I married Nimisha. But the law doesn’t recognise this marriage as I’m still married to Khushi, and so lawfully Nimisha doesn’t get anything from me. And she hasn’t got anything from me. She hasn’t got a penny of my more, nor has she got an ounce of my affection. She may be my wife in a religious sense, but I’m not a religious person. So this marriage and her, mean nothing to me. I’ve never treated her as my wife, never touched her, and I never will. For me there’s only Khushi.

Pushing all those thoughts away, I went looking for Payal. Her bedroom door was shut, so I assumed she was inside. Knocking on her door, I waited. Moments later, Payal came to the door.

 

“Do you need something bhai?”

“Can I quickly speak to you before I leave?”

 

Moving out the door, she let me inside her room. I shut the door behind me.

 

“Payal has Khushi sent any letters?”

“No, I haven’t heard from her in a while.”

“Do you have any of the letters she sent you?”

“I keep all of them, you know that.”

“Is there any sign of an address on any of them?”

“We’ve been through this before. There is absolutely no way to trace where she is from those letters.”

 

Over the past six years, Khushi had been writing letters to Payal. I never received a letter from her, I didn’t hear anything from her after she left. But knowing that she was in touch with Payal was reassuring. At least I knew she was out there somewhere and she was still thinking about us.

 

“I wish I could write back to her once. Just once. There’s so much I want to tell her, so much I want to ask her… She doesn’t even know about me and Akash or about Akshay.”

 

Tears fell down Payal’s face. As much as Payal tried to hide her pain, I always saw it. When she and Akash first got married, it was hard for her, very hard. Knowing she was at her sisters in law’s house but her sister wasn’t here any more. Payal held me responsible for Khushi leaving and I could understand why. She, like everyone else, thought that Pari was mine.

I tried brushing away Payal’s tears but she pushed my hand away and got to her feet.

 

“Please, just go away.”

 

It didn’t even anger me, the way she spoke to me. I understood why she disliked me so much. But I needed her to know and accept the truth. But she couldn’t. Grabbing hold of my things once more, I left her room and made my way downstairs.

At the door, Nani and mami were waiting for me. They both wished that I had a safe journey and that I arrived back home soon. I was just about to cross the threshold to leave, when I heard little feet run across the house towards me.

 

“Papa, papa, wait!”

 

I watched as Pari came running, moving as fast as her little legs would carry her. Finally she arrived by me and hugged my legs.

 

“Come back jaldi papa.”

 

It was awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to hug her, because she was a sweet child, but at the same time I wanted to push her away, after all she was the reason that Khushi wasn’t with me. I settled for something in between. Patting her head, I told her I’d be back soon and I took my leave.

 

*****

Upon arriving in Mumbai, I suddenly felt so much more free, so much happier. As much as I loved my family, living at home became suffocating. There was this constant pressure to accept Nimisha and Pari, but I couldn’t do it. I know some people, after all these years, would have given in, would have started to accept their circumstances. They would have probably been glad to be reunited with someone they once believe they were in love with. But I couldn’t. Maybe if things had been different between me and Khushi, maybe I would have accepted Nimi by now, but I couldn’t. Me and Khushi hadn’t even been married 6 months when we were ripped apart. We were still very much in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, definitely not ready to part ways. And maybe that’s why I can’t move on. I can’t move on knowing that I was far from done with Khushi.

Over the years I searched high and low for Khushi. I left no stone upturned to find her, but my efforts had been futile. I couldn’t find her. I assumed she’d probably changed her name to ensure that no one recognised her as being associated with the Raizada’s, but I hadn’t expected her to drop her maternal name as well. There was no sign of Khushi Kumari Gupta or Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada anywhere.

At one point I thought maybe she had left India, but after tracking her passport, it became clear that Khushi hadn’t left the country. Khushi was still in India, but I didn’t have the slightest clue where. She was hiding from me and in these six years, she’s failed to let her guard down, failed to leave a trail. She vanished, but I knew in my heart that I would find her. She couldn’t just walk away from me like that. I would find her.

I did think maybe in all this time Khushi had started her life again. Maybe she got married to someone else. She may even have her own child with someone else, but in my heart I knew she wouldn’t do that. She couldn’t. She loved me as much as I loved her, she wouldn’t just give up on me like that, would she?

Unwanted ~ Part 21

Khushi

I looked at my watch, it was still only 2pm. Yawning, I stretched and then picked up the file on my left and opened it up.

Reading through the first couple of lines, I realised it was another business proposal. Closing it again, I put it back on the pile with all the other files that I couldn’t be bothered to work through right now. I know it’s my job but it was tedious as hell.

 

“Khushi, can you hand me the Singhania file. Boss asked for it.”

 

I handed Jai the file he was asking for, along with the notepad with all my notes.
When I had initially taken the job of a PA, I hadn’t realised how much reading and annotating I would actually have to do. I had assumed that I would run around after my boss, making him tea whenever he wanted it and scheduling his appointments. But here, I did more work than boss himself. As well as giving him his food and coffee and scheduling his appointments, I also had to read through all files before they reached him, make any notes and make sure that it was all correct. Basically, I did all the hard work of checking if the proposals were worth his time or not.

It was long and tiring. But one had to work. Especially when one has a little girl to look after as well. After all, as her mother, it’s my responsibility before anyone else’s to make sure that she has everything she needs. My baby was the reason why I dragged myself to work every morning. If I didn’t have her then I probably wouldn’t be working. Making sure she had everything she wanted was my priority and so I would continue doing this job even though I didn’t like it.

Sure our family members cared for her and gave her anything she wanted, but I was still her mother, her mama. I needed to make sure that I had enough money to fulfil any of her little needs at any given time. And seeing as her father…

I pushed that thought away, I didn’t need to think about that right now. But my eyes fell on the two pictures on my desk. The first was of me and Arnav on our honeymoon. A happier time of life. A time of life I deeply missed no matter how much time passed. I wish life could be how it was back then, but too much had happened and too much had changed, we couldn’t go back to being the couple we were on honeymoon all those years ago.

Even though this picture was on my desk, I made sure no one ever saw it. I didn’t need people to start asking me questions about my relationship with Arnav Singh Raizada. It would affect my work life and I didn’t need that. I was doing this job so I had enough money for my daughter, I didn’t need people treating me different because I was Arnav’s wife.
The second picture was of my baby. This is a picture I update all the time, making sure I have the most recent one. The current picture in the frame was one from only a few weeks ago. She looked a lot like me when I was younger, but she had her dad’s temperament and attitude. She was a lot like him. And I kinda liked that.

 

*****

 

I looked at my watch, 5pm. Almost time to go home. Finally! I finished up with the file that I was working on, and then grabbed the next and quickly started working through it.

As I was finishing up with the file, Jai came over once more.

 

“I swear Jai, if you hand me another file that needs proofing, I’m going to kill you today.”

“No no, boss asked you to go up to his cabin.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”

 

I let out a loud sigh and put my file down and made my way up the stairs to Raj’s cabin. Knocking on the door, I waited for him to let me in.

 

“Come in.”

 

Pushing the door open, I walked inside.

 

“Take a seat.”

 

I sat down opposite Raj, my boss and my friend.

 

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, did you need something?”

 

Tapping his fingers on the desk, he reached out to open a drawer in his desk, took out an envelope and handed it to me.

 

“What’s this?”

“Khushi…”

“Are you firing me? What the hell? I know I’m not the best PA but Raj, you know I need this job, you more than anyone else knows. I get everything done and I do it by when you want me to get it done. I…”

“Khushi calm down. I’m not firing you.”

 

I looked at the envelope in my hand. What was it? Opening it slowly, I saw that inside was only a small slip of paper. Taking it out I saw that it was a cheque.

 

“What’s this? It isn’t pay day yet?”

 

Looking at the slip, I saw that the cheque was made out to me for 50,000 rupees. Which by the way was far more than what I had ever received in the form of a bonus.

 

“Raj? What the hell?”

“Just take it.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

“Raj I can’t, this is a lot of money and I haven’t even done anything to earn it.”

“Look, we’ll talk about it later. Please just take it now. You’ve been working for me for years and I’ve hardly ever given you a decent bonus, so…”

 

Putting the cheque back into the envelope, I thanked him before taking my leave. Raj knew I needed this money and I did really need it. But I couldn’t just accept it like this. Especially knowing that this was way way more than my wage. Should I accept the money? Should I not? I needed to think about it properly.

 

*****

 

Finally the day came to a close and it was time for me to go home. My day was no longer than any other working day, however, I felt exhausted, completely drained. I just wanted to get home and get into bed, but that wouldn’t be possible, not when I have a 5 year old at home waiting for me. I needed to go home, feed her, do her homework with her and then get her off to bed.

Gathering my things together and putting my envelope with the cash into my bag, I made sure my computer was off and left the office.

Once outside, I made my way into the car park to find my car. It was only a little car, but I loved it regardless. I love the sense of freedom that I have, knowing that I can just get into my car and go somewhere when I want, at whatever time.

Getting into the car, I put my bag down in the seat beside me and then set off for the grocery store.

 

*****

 

“Mama!”

 

I’d just shut the door behind me when my little girl came flying into my arms.

 

“Hey baby! Did you miss me?”

“I miss you lots and lots and lots and LOTS mama! Why you take so long?”

“Mama had work. But look what I have for you. Quickly close your eyes!”

 

She took a step back, looking at me with her big eyes and then closed them, waiting for me to give her whatever it was that I had for her. I dipped my hand into my bag and pulled out the giant lollypop and placed it in her little hands.

 

“You can open your eyes now.”

 

I watched as she opened one eye first and then the other. She looked at the big lollypop in her hands and squealed with joy.

 

“Thank you mama! But am I allowed this one?”

“Of course you can have it. Just make sure you don’t eat all of it at once, otherwise you’ll get bugs in your teeth!”

“I promise! I’m going to go and show papa!”

 

I watched as she ran away and made her way up to her papa’s office. Laughing, I walked up the stairs myself. I needed to go and freshen up. As I walked past his office, I could hear them talk about the lollypop.

 

“Papa papa look! Mama got me a big lollypop!”

“Wow! It’s bigger than you! Will you share with me?

“No way! It’s mine!”

“Pleaseeee?”

“No no no no no no no!”

“Well then if I catch you, you have to give it all to me!”

 

I heard her squeal before I saw her run out of the room and towards me.

 

“Mama! Hide me!”

 

She rushed behind me and grabbed hold of my kameez. He ran out of the office after her, laughing as he grabbed hold of her little arm and pulled her back towards himself.

 

“My sweetheart can never hide from me! Nor can you run away from me, I’m much, much faster than you.”

 

Lifting her into the air, she wrapped her little arms around his neck and gave him a big bear hug.

 

“I love you papa! I promise I’ll share with you.”

“I love you too beta.”

 

I watched as he pressed a kiss onto her cheek and then she did the same. Still carry her, he smiled at me before turning around and making his way back to his office. Before he went inside, he turned around.

 

“Khushi, what we discussed in the office, really, I insist, just keep it. If not for yourself, for my Arushi.”

 

He went inside, and I made my way to my bedroom. It didn’t feel right keeping the money, but I guess he had a point. I should keep it, not for myself but the for the sake of his Arushi… Our Arushi.

Unwanted ~ Part 20

Arnav

 

** 6 years later **

 

Sat at my recliner, I was checking my emails when she came running into my room.

 

“Papa!”

 

I ignored her. She knew not to disturb me when I was working.

 

“Papa! Listen to me.”

“Pari, I’m working.”

“Please listen me!”

 

I went back to my work, I didn’t need this right now. She stood there, clapping her little hands and stamping her feet. I could feel my temper rising, but I knew I really shouldn’t snap at her. But she kept going, not giving up.

 

“Pari! I’m working! Go!”

 

Di came running into the room. Now I’m done for. Pari rushed into Di’s arms and Di held her close to herself, all the while looking at me in a very angry manner. Here we go again.

 

“Chote! How many times have I told you not to shout at her?”

“I was working Di.”

“She’s a child! You can’t shout at her like that. You’re too much Arnav. Too much.”

“Di please, I don’t need this right now, it’s too early in the morning.”

“No Chote, you need to be aware your actions have consequences. You can’t just bark at her and get away with it.”

 

I knew what was coming next, the line Di always hit me, I knew it word for word.

 

“You’re not just a boss any more, you’re a dad, 5 and a half years since you’ve been a dad and you still don’t get it. You can’t speak to your child the way you talk to you’re employees.”

“Di please. Just take her and go.”

“The her you’re talking about is your daughter. Not a goat like Laxmi. You can’t just tell her to get lost and expect her to listen.”

 

I shut my laptop and put my hand to my head. The same argument between me and Di, all the time. Pari was five and a half, and in the last 5 and a half years, we had this argument at least 3 times a week, every week.

 

“Shouldn’t she be getting ready for school any way. Where’s her mother? Can you tell her she needs to control her kid.”

“Her mother, your WIFE, has gone to work. And if you paid closer attention to your daughter, you’d know that she’s ill and isn’t allowed to go to school.”

 

Di dropped to her knees so she was the same height as Pari.

 

“Pari beta, go and play with Akshay.”

 

Pari ran off to go and find Akshay. Di stood up, her hands on her hips.

 

“Chote, you really need to stop behaving like this towards her.”

“How am I supposed to behave then Di?”

“The way Akash is with Akshay or the way your jijaji has always been with Shalini.”

“There’s a difference between them and me. They wanted to be fathers. I didn’t choose this, I didn’t want this. I was just told one day I was going to be a dad.”

 

Di shook her head. She was tired of this argument and so was I.

 

“Chote please. Please look at what you’re doing to this family. You’re ripping it in two.”

 

I looked away and shook my head. Di didn’t have a clue what she was on about. She never did, not in terms of this.

 

“When was the last time you and Payal were able to look each other in the eye and have a good conversation? When was the last time you were able to sit with any of us and just enjoy everyone’s company and enjoy your time with the kids? And let’s not even get started on your marriage.”

“My marriage is a joke Di and you know it.”

“I understand you weren’t ready to become a father, I get that Chote, but you were blessed with a beautiful little girl. You should do what you need to do to make things work for your little girl.”

“Di please. You know better than anyone else how I feel about everything. I don’t want to argue about this any more. Please just leave me.”

 

I could tell Di was tired and she felt deflated. I hated seeing Di like this, but what could I do? In my heart I couldn’t accept Pari, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to. It sounds harsh, she’s only a little girl, but… Di left and I opened up my laptop again and went scrolling through all my old pictures. Pictures of me and Khushi, from our marriage, from our honeymoon, from just after our honeymoon. Pictures from a better time, a time before we knew a storm was brewing between us, a time before Pari.

If time could be turned back, I’d go back to our honeymoon. Everything was so good, so peaceful back then. We were so happy, everything was so perfect. I missed her, I missed the way things were.

Di liked to believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason, that there’s some goodness to come from what has happened. But 6 years have passed since our honeymoon, 6 years since I was truly happy and content with my life.

Clicking off of the pictures, I knew I needed to come to terms with my life as they were. However my life was 6 years ago, it would never be like that ever again, no matter how much I looked at the old pictures and pined for the past. Some things just couldn’t go back to being the same.

Pushing my laptop aside, I went to go look for Pari. She wasn’t hard to find, she was in Payal and Akash’s bedroom, playing with 2 year old Akshay. They were both sat on the floor and Pari was teaching him how to clap his hands in time with her, I took a seat next to the both of them.

 

“Are you guys playing?”

“I’m teaching him patty cake.”

“Your buaji tells me your ill, what’s wrong?”

“Mama said I have a temperature.”

 

I placed my hand on her little cheek and then her forehead, and indeed, she did have a temperature.

Little Shalini rushed into the room, looking for Pari.

 

“Pari, Pari! Are you ready? We need to go school!”

 

I watched as Pari shook her little head before she explained to Shalini that her mother told her she had to stay at home today. Looking slightly deflated, Shalini gave Pari a hug and then left for school. Shalini was a couple of months younger than Pari and the both of them were the best of friends. They were like two peas in a pod, they did everything together.

 

“Have you had medicine Pari?”

“Yes papa.”

 

Nodding, I got to my feet and was just leaving when Payal walked into her bedroom. She stood at the doorway, staring at me.

 

“I just came to check on Pari, she’s ill.”

“I know, Di told me to keep an eye on her.”

“Oh okay.”

 

Stepping aside, Payal moved out of the way so that I could get out of the room. Our interaction quota for the day was up. Nodding, I moved to leave when I remembered there was something I needed to ask her.

 

“Payal have you…”

“No I haven’t. Not since the one two weeks ago. If I do get another one, then I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you.”

“Hm.”

 

My relationship with Payal sucked. I couldn’t remember the last time I was able to have a normal, carefree conversation with her. I mean, I understand why she’s so hostile towards me, but… And the awkwardness between me and Payal took a toll on my relationship with Akash.

Even when I held little Akshay, I saw the way Payal looked at me. It was obvious she didn’t want me anywhere near her son. And this was all happening because of Pari. Before Pari, I had a great relationship with everyone. But now, it was me against the Raizada’s and I hated it. I needed to get out of here, just needed some time away from this house and all the people.

Going back to my room, I heard my phone ringing and so rushed to answer it. Looking at the called ID, I saw that it was from AR in Mumbai. Weird, they hardly ever bothered me on my personal phone. Taking the call, I sat down, listening to hear what they had to say.

 

It seemed as though my prayers had been heard. I was going to Mumbai to deal with some major issues within the business. Finally, time away from this house and these people. Time for a new adventure.

 

*****

 

Author’s Note:

So here we go guys! The beginning of a new chapter of Unwanted! I know a lot of you guys have been waiting for this for so long, so I am so glad that we are finally resuming this story. I’m hoping you guys are really going to enjoy it because it took me a while to get the planning of it all right. Because I alternate between Arnav and Khushi’s point of view, it took a while to make sure that I was weaving the story carefully so that I wasn’t giving too much away all in one go.

So the first couple of updates of this story will be shorter than usual because I don’t want to give everything away, but once we really get into the story, the chapters will start getting longer again.

I hope you guys have enjoyed the beginning and can’t wait to hear what you all think!