Unwanted ~ Part 29

 

Khushi

 

By the time I got home from work, Arushi was already home and she was already changed out of her school clothes. Taking my little girl into my arms, I held her close and told her I missed her lots and lots.

 

“I missed you too mama.”

“So tell me, what did my princess do in school today.”

“Nothing.”

 

I could tell something wasn’t right. Normally she’d come running to me and she wouldn’t stop talking about her day. She’d tell me every little detail and if she missed something, it would mean needing to go through the whole story all over again.

 

“Arushi, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Beta, you know you can’t hide anything from me.”

 

I watched as her expressions changed, it was evident she was trying to figure out what to do.

 

“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow and I don’t want to do the Father’s Day event.”

 

This came as a shock to me. Ever since Arushi had started school, she had never wanted to not go to school. Even when she was ill, it was a struggle to keep her home. So now for her to tell me she didn’t want to go, I knew something was wrong.

 

“Did something happen?”

 

She shook her head but I knew my daughter well enough to know she was lying. Taking her into my arms, I pulled her to myself and sat down on the floor with her on my lap.

 

“Tell me Ari, what happened?”

 

Looking up at me, I saw the little tears in the corner of her eyes. I watched as she tried to make them go away, but they didn’t and ended falling onto her little cheeks.

 

“The people in my class said I can’t do the Father’s Day presentation because I don’t have a real dad.”

 

I gasped and I held my baby close to myself. When did kids become so cruel? How could such young children be so mean to each other?

 

“Did you tell your teacher?”

“I did. He made them sit near the wall.”

“The naughty wall?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Baby, you have a dad. Raj is going to do to the presentation with you.”

“But he isn’t my real papa. Mama why can’t you call papa and tell him to come? I want my papa!”

“Arushi, you know your dad live far away and he’s very busy…”

“But can’t he come for one day? It’s not fair! I’ve never even seen my papa! Doesn’t he love me?”

 

I shook my head, holding her tighter.

 

“Of course he loves you baby! You’re our baby. But he just can’t…”

“He can’t come to see me.”

 

Arushi’s face fell and hen she wiggled out of my arms.

 

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to play in my room.”

 

She walked away and I watched her go. What was I doing? For the first time ever, Arushi was questioning her fathers love for her. How could I do that to her? How could I keep lying to her like this? She thought Arnav didn’t love her, hence why he never came. How could I tell her that he doesn’t even know she exists? How do I tell my daughter that everything I’ve told her about why her dad isn’t with us is a lie?

 

“You’re realising how much of a mess you’ve made, aren’t you?”

 

Turning, I saw Raj stood in the doorway. When had he arrived. Stepping into the room, he looked over his shoulder before shutting the door behind himself.

 

“Ma is with Arushi.”

“Did you need something Raj?”

“No not really, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with Arushi. Khushi, what are you doing to that poor little girl?

“What am I doing to her?”

“You’re torturing her! She’s only a five year old! She’s never met her real father, never even spoken to him…”

“You know why that is!”

“I do! And you know that I didn’t approve of your decision at the time and I still don’t. You left Arnav because you didn’t want to deprive his child of its fathers love, but look at what you’re doing to Arushi.”

“What am I doing to her?”

“You’re making her question whether her dad loves her or not! And I can’t blame her. The poor child has never seen it spoken to her dad. She doesn’t even know what he looks like or what his name is! He’s just a story to her.”

“She has you. So she’s feeling a bit down today, but come tomorrow, she’ll be completely over all this and she’ll be ready to rehearse for the Father’s Day event with you again.”

“Yes she has me, and I love her like my own, but at the end of the day she isn’t mine and she knows that. She knows her dad is out there somewhere and it’s understandable that she’s curious and wants to know more about him.”

 

I hated having this conversation. Why didn’t they just accept that I couldn’t let Arushi meet Arnav or let her speak to him. Why didn’t they understand that I couldn’t just torpedo into his life and drop Arushi on him?

 

“Khushi, listen to me. Arushi is still little. As she gets older she’s only going to have more and more questions. And as she gets older, your excuse he lives to far and is too busy isn’t going to bode well. Please Khushi, try and put this all aside.”

“I don’t understand what you expect me to do! I’ve said it time and time again, I can’t tell Arnav anything! Why don’t you understand?”

“Are you really that selfish Khushi? You’re thinking about the inconvenience it’ll cause you to tell Arnav the truth and you’re thinking about his happiness, but you’re completely overlooking Arushi’s feelings.”

“What inconvenience will it cause me? How dare you call me selfish? I’m thinking about everyone accept myself when I try to make decisions regarding this!”

 

My temper was rising fast. Raj was always so kind and supportive but today? Why was he speaking to me like this!

 

“You’re worried about all the questions you’ll have to answer if you go to Arnav now and tell him about his daughter. You know it’s going to put you in a tricky spot and you want to avoid that.”

“No, that’s not my reasoning at all! I’m thinking solely about Arnav and Arushi. Have you even for a moment thought about either of them? You’re only looking at the situation from one side, I’m looking at it from both. Do you think I enjoy being away from my husband, away from the love of my life? Do you think it’s easy for me to live my life? Do you think I enjoy seeing my fatherless daughter pine for her dad? No I don’t Raj! It kills me every time. But have you thought what would happen if I introduce Arushi to Arnav and he refuses to acknowledge her? What if I take her to him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with either of us?”

“Then Arushi will know her dad is scum and maybe it will be easier for you all to move on.”

“But yes, there is a slight selfishness to my decision too. What if I take Arushi to Arnav and he wants to keep her? What if he’s happy with Nimisha and his other child and he decides that he wants full custody for Arushi? What if he’s content with his life but having Arushi would make it better? He’s far more financially stable than I am. He would win a custody battle. I could lose my daughter. Have you thought of that?”

 

It was obvious from Raj’s expression that he hadn’t thought of that. That he hadn’t for a moment considered that taking Arushi to Arnav could mean us all losing her. But he knew as much as I did that this could be something that could happen.

We had all seen the pictures and the articles of Arnav and Nimisha on their wedding and at high profile events over the years. It seemed as though they were happy together. If I took Arushi to Arnav, he may decide he wants to keep our baby, but he doesn’t need me. He may throw me out of their lives and keep Arushi. And I couldn’t let that happen. Arushi was my reason to live, the reason I got up in the morning, the reason why I kept living this life. If I lost her…

 

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Well I had. Do you see why Raj it’s so hard to decide what to do?”

“I do but…”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, but for now I want to leave things as they are.”

 

It was obvious Raj wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. He just nodded, acknowledging what I had said. He looked down at his feet and the turned his attention back to me.

 

“So you still love him?”

 

This question threw me off slightly. I wasn’t expecting Raj to ask me something like that.
Sighing, I sat down on my bed and took the photo of Arnav out of my bedside drawer and looked at it. It was one of my favourite pictures of Arnav. It was one that I had taken of him on our honeymoon. It was one of the first pictures I took of him after we slept together for the first time.

 

“I’ve never stopped loving him, not even for a moment.”

 

Coming over to the bed, Raj sat down beside me.

 

“It’s been six years Khushi…”

“I know but I can’t just stop…”

“Let me finish what I was trying to say. I was saying, it’s been six years and you still love him as much as ever. Maybe you should try reaching out to him. If in over six years you haven’t been able to stop loving him, I don’t think you will ever be able to. For yourself and Arushi, maybe you need to reach out to him.”

 

Raj was right. It had been six years and not a moment went by when I didn’t think about Arnav. When I lay in my bed cold bed alone, I thought of Arnav. When I woke up, I thought about Arnav. When I looked at our daughter, I thought of him. He was always on my mind, always in my thoughts. To someone, it may seem insane. We were only together for six months and yet six years later I haven’t been able to get over him. But that’s just how it was. Those six months with him were the best six months of my life and I cherish every single moment from that time.

 

“I was happy with him. Our lives were going great, everything was perfect. It’s hard not to still love him when he never did anything to make me feel anything less for him. We never argued, he always took care of all my little needs and he was always there for me. How can I not still love him?”

 

I looked to Raj, awaiting his response. I could see that he saw things the way I saw them, that he understood what I meant.

 

“I understand.”

“In my heart, I hope that maybe one day I can reach out to him again. But as time goes on, I feel like it’s becoming harder and harder to reach out to him. He’s probably settled into his life now, he’s probably happy with Nimisha and their child. They may even have another child by now. I can’t enter his life again now. I could make a mess for him.”

“But what if he too has been struggling to move on, just as you have?”

“He got married to Nimisha. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t ready to move on.”

 

Raj went silent once more. He knew I had a point.

 

“If he’s moved on, don’t you think maybe you should try too?”

“Maybe one day. But right now, I have Arushi and I want to be the best mother to her. I don’t want to divert my attention.”

“So what, you’re not ruling out the chances of getting married again?”

“I don’t know Raj. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I don’t want to get married again. Heck, I’m still married to Arnav. I can’t even think about getting married again. But maybe one day I will think about it seriously. But as of now, I’m fine as I am.”

 

He remained seated beside me for a while. He didn’t say anything, nor did he move. He turned to me, wanting to say something, but he must have thought against it because he turned away once more and slowly got to his feet.

 

“As long as your happy and you know what you’re doing, I can’t really say anything more.”

“I appreciate you’re concern for me and Arushi, but I think we’ll be okay.”

 

Nodding, Raj made his way over to the door and slowly opened it. He turned back to me, but then shook his head and turned away once more and left.

I did understand Raj’s concern, I really did. He cared for me and Arushi and so he wanted the best for the both of us. But at the end of the day, how I decided to go about this was my business.

I turned my attention back to my photograph of Arnav. I missed him, so, so much. Every single day, all the time. No matter what happened and how much changed, he would always be my other half, my better half. He completed me, made me whole. And even if he did have someone else and his own life now, for me, he would always be my other half. The man who completed me.

Whenever Raj and Veera asked me about getting married again, I always made it sound like it would be something that I would consider one day, but the truth was I don’t see myself ever thinking about getting married again. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Arnav or ever stop wanting to be with him. I could marry someone else, but at the end of the day, my heart belonged to Arnav, so it seemed pointless even considering marriage.

Yes, making Arushi understand would only get harder as she got older, but once she got to a certain age, I would tell her the truth. Why I left her dad and why he isn’t with us. Maybe one day she’d understand, but for now, what she knew was enough.

In my heart, there was still hope. Maybe one day things would get better and me, Arnav and Arushi could be a proper family. But until then, hope is all we have. I would carry on praying for him and for us and maybe Devi Maiyya would make things easier for us all. I had faith and I had hope. Maybe one day…

 

Just maybe.

Unwanted ~ Part 28

 

Arnav

 

I’d been working at the school for over a week now, and truth be told, I was really enjoying it! Really, really enjoying it.

I now understood why people wanted to work with kids. Every time one of the children learnt a new letter, it felt really good. Knowing that I had been able to teach them something which they would remember and use for the rest of their lives.

I wasn’t the best teachers out there, but I really felt like I was doing a good job. Who would have though, Arnav Singh Raizada, a class teacher of five year olds. But here I was and I didn’t plan on leaving any time soon.

When I first told Di what I was doing, she had a fit and demanded I come home right away. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the kids hanging, not after they had been left by their previous teacher. And beside the kids, I felt like there was something holding me back. Something that was keeping me from going back to Delhi. My time here wasn’t done yet, I could feel it in my bones.

Di however thought this was all a load of rubbish and demanded that I come home. She said something about how Nimisha needed me at home. And then she started talking about how it was wrong, me being a teacher.

 

“How can you be a teacher to five year olds though Chote?”

“Why can’t I?”

“You have a daughter, who craves your love and attention. You have no time for her, but you can go and spend time educating other people’s kids. Do you know how insane that is?”

“Di, you always tell me I should embrace change and learn to find happiness in new things. I’ve done that! For the first time in years, I actually want to get out of bed every morning. These kids… They’ve lit up my dull, monochrome world and they’ve filled it with glorious technicolor. You should be happy for me!”

 

I remember how there was a pause after I said that. I heard Di sigh and then she told me that she was happy that I found happiness, but she’d be happier if I’d come home and spent time with my “wife and daughter.”

After all these years, I still couldn’t believe that Di didn’t realise that Pari wasn’t mine. Everyone in the household has started realising and considering that maybe I did know what I was talking about. That perhaps I was right. But Di… Maybe she just wanted to be oblivious to it all. And then there was Payal. She too couldn’t accept that Pari wasn’t mine. Between Payal and Di, I honestly felt like I was suffocating half the time.

Over the years, even Nimisha had stopped fighting for me to accept Pari. I mean she still did it, but not as much as she had done at the start. She’d stopped trying to convince me that Pari was mine. I think she finally realised that she wasn’t going to be able to fool me into believing that Pari was mine when we both knew she wasn’t.

I’d never really thought about having kids, but I always knew, if ever I did have a child, I would have a connection with them. I’d be able to feel it within me that they were mine. But with Pari, I felt nothing like that. Not even slightly. Pari was a great kid, and as I’ve said before, I do feel bad when I don’t acknowledge her the way she wants me to. But I can’t. I know I’m not her father, no matter what any DNA test reported.

I can’t give her the kind of love she wants and deserves. Maybe one day Nimisha would stop messing with the poor little girl and actually let her meet her father…

 

*****

 

As time went on and I spent more and more time with the kids in class, I began to grow more and more attached to them. I got to know them personally and learnt about their personalities. Even though they were only 5, most of them had already developed very individual personalities and it really showed through their art work that they did in class.

I enjoyed getting to know the kids. Getting to know their likes and dislikes, what annoyed them and what kind of things they enjoyed. It was an enjoyable process.

There was one child that made me struggle a bit though, and that child was little Arushi. There was something about this little girl that felt eerily familiar, like I’m supposed to know her. But none of my friends that live in Mumbai have a child her age, so it couldn’t be that. Nor do we have any relatives here. But regardless of all of that, there was something about this child that made me feel like I really, really should know who she is.

After observing the child for quite a long while, I finally put my finger on why she seemed so familiar. She looked like Khushi…

 

*****

 

The moment I got home that evening, I called Payal. For the rest of the day, I kept looking at Arushi and the more I looked at her, the more striking the resemblance between her and Khushi seemed. As I waited for Payal to answer the phone, I sat down on my bed and looked at the photograph of Khushi on the bedside table. Khushi’s eyes and Arushi’s eyes were almost identical. Of course it could be a coincidence but it seemed highly unlikely.

 

“Hello?”

“Payal, it’s me. I need to ask you something urgently.”

“Is everything okay bhai? What’s the matter?”

“There’s this little girl in my class, ever since I met her there’s been something crazy familiar about her and now… She… She looks like Khushi. The absolutely same eyes.”

“Really? Exactly like Khushi’s?”

“Identical. I spent so much time staring into Khushi’s eyes, I don’t know how I didn’t make the link earlier but now… I can’t stop seeing the resemblance. Do you and Khushi have any relatives in Mumbai? Maybe cousins or…”

 

There was a pause on Payal’s end and I waited patiently.

 

“Well… My Amma and Khushi’s amma were sisters and they didn’t have any other siblings. So there’s no chance that we have any cousins on that side. But I know Khushi’s babuji has siblings. But where they are and how many kids they have, I don’t know. No ones close to that side of Khushi’s family, not even her. So maybe this little girl is a relative but I don’t know…”

“Do you think Khushi might be here? With relatives?”

“I don’t know bhai. Honestly, I doubt it. I can’t really imagine Khushi trying to reach out to the side of the family that turned their back to her. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that that little girl looks like Khushi, or maybe it is a relative. But I don’t think Khushi is with any family members. I think she’d be on her own. I can’t see her turning to people who cut her out of their lives.”

 

I thought about it for a moment and realised that Payal was probably right. Khushi had never spoken about any other family, had never showed any interest in connecting with them.

 

“You’re probably right. Maybe I am looking too far into a coincidence.”

“I’m not saying that to kill your hope but…”

“No I understand. Thanks Payal. Has she written any letters to you since I’ve been here?”

“She hasn’t, but it’s been a while since I last heard from her so I think there should be a letter coming soon. I’ll let you know what she says when the letter arrives.”

“Thanks Payal. Take care of yourself, I’ll speak to you soon.”

 

Disconnecting the call, I put my phone down. I probably was paying too much attention to Arushi. Just because she looked a bit like Khushi didn’t mean she was related to Khushi in any way. And even if she was, it didn’t mean that Khushi was here.

Getting to my feet, I moved into the kitchen to make myself dinner. Another evening, another meal. On my own.

 

*****

 

“Arushi doesn’t have a real papa! What kind of presentation are you going to give for the Father’s Day event?”

 

I walked over to the kids, and the moment I approached them, they all went quiet.

 

“What’s going on here?”

“Nothing sir…”

 

I looked down at the little group of kids and then looked to Arushi who had tears streaming down her face. Kneeling down before her, I asked her what the matter was.

 

“They said… They were saying… I can’t do the presentation… Because I don’t have a papa…”

 

My heart broke for the little girl in front of me. Tears kept falling and she struggled to tell me what she wanted to say. Turning my attention back to the other children, I told them to say sorry and then told them to go and sit by the wall for the rest of their break time.
Once they all walked away, I turned my attention back to Arushi.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

She nodded her little head as she wiped her tears.

 

“Can I go inside please?”

 

I looked around and saw that a few of the other teachers were outside, meaning that they could watch the rest of the kids. I nodded and let Arushi go inside and went in with her.

As soon as she got back into our classroom, she went over to her cubby and pulled out her lunchbox. Coming back to her table, she set her lunchbox down and opened it.

Taking out a smaller box, I watched as she opened it and took out the contents from within.

 

“Jalebis?”

 

Nodding, she turned her attention back to the jalebi and ate it. I watched as she ate the first jalebi and then another.

She reminded me of Khushi. Whenever Khushi was upset, she’d make jalebis and then eat them. When Nimisha entered our lives, Khushi was almost always in the kitchen, making and eating jalebis. It got to the point where she had a plate of jalebis by our bed at all times.

Turning my attention back to Arushi, I watched as she tidy her things away, washed her hands and then came back to sit at her desk.

 

“Feeling better now?”

“Lots.”

“Eating jalebis helps?”

“Helps lots. Mama says that there is no sadness that jalebis can’t fix.”

“Your mama is right. Jalebis can fix everything.”

“Not everything…”

 

The slight light that had been in her eyes were gone again.

 

“Didn’t you tell me your mama makes the best jalebis? Surely if they’re the best then they can fix anything.”

“They can’t bring me my papa. The others are right, sir, I can’t do the Father’s Day event. I don’t even have a real dad.”

“Arushi…”

“I don’t want to do it.”

“But you were so excited.”

“I don’t want to do it any more sir.”

 

And with that she got to her feet and went back outside to spend the rest of her break time in the playground.

I should have gone back outside too, but I decided to stay inside, to just think about what had happened.

 

Arushi wanted her dad, but it seemed as though he wasn’t in the picture. Maybe her parents were divorced? Or maybe her father passed away? There was no way to tell and there was no way to ask her without upsetting her.

But more than that, what was troubling me was how much she reminded me of Khushi. The way she ate her jalebis, the way she spoke about them.

Was I going insane? Was I making links where there were no links? Was I imagining these resemblances? What was happening to me?

Whatever it was, it reiterated something I already knew. I was still madly in love with Khushi and I needed her back in my life. I was starting to see her in a child who probably had no connection to her whatsoever. I needed to find her. I needed to get her back. If I don’t, I think I really will go insane.

Unwanted ~ Interlude II

Raj

 

Stood by my window, I looked out at the world. I don’t know how I was feeling, but I wasn’t feeling great. Reading the news that Arnav was in town shook me up a bit. I mean I know I shouldn’t feel like that. At the end of the day, Arnav was Khushi’s husband and Arushi’s father. No matter how much I wanted to forget the truth, it’s always there. If Khushi left me to go back to Arnav, I couldn’t stop her.

I remember when I first met Khushi, it was literally a matter of coming home one evening and finding her sat there with mom. It was quite late, so I remember getting into the house half asleep and being told that she was our new paying guest. I had been so busy back then, I barely had any time to sit down and talk to her. It wasn’t until about a month after she moved in that I properly spoke to her. The moment I actually spoke to Khushi, I liked her. She was kind, funny and she seemed to care for mom which was something I appreciated.

Once I actually started paying attention to the fact that she was here, I started realising more about her. Like I noticed how when she smiled, her smile never actually reached her eyes. Her bedroom was next to mine, so at night, I’d hear her crying.
It was about 2 months after she’d been with us when she finally stopped crying every night.

 

And then she found out she was pregnant.

 

When she found out she was pregnant, she spent the entire first week in her room, crying. And I understand why. Over time, mom had told me more and more about why she’d left Arnav. So I understood why it was so hard for her to find out that she was pregnant. But regardless, she pulled herself together and she got her head down. She worked hard to make sure that she always had enough money and she became family more than a paying guest.

Once our financial struggles ended, we told Khushi she didn’t need to pay any more, but she won’t hear of it. She said that unless we wanted her to move out, she would carry on paying her rent as she had done.

Time went on and Arushi was born. After Arushi came along, it was evident that Khushi was struggling. I think she found it hard, having a baby but not having her husband beside her.

Up to this point, a strong level of trust and understanding had formed between me and Khushi and Khushi and mom. However everything seemed to go backwards after Arushi was born. Khushi wouldn’t let her baby out of her site and she’d never leave her with us at all. Mom said we shouldn’t take it personally, that she’d get better, but up until then, we had to be patient with her. Mom was right, at first Khushi wouldn’t let us go anywhere near Arushi, but as some time went on, she got more comfortable with leaving her with us.

As Arushi got older, she and Khushi needed two rooms. When Khushi had started talking about moving out, me and mom wouldn’t hear of it. We still had a spare room in our house, so we told Khushi that Arushi could have that room but we refused to let Khushi pay for another room. After much reluctance, she finally agreed.

 

*****

 

Time went on and the four of us started to feel more and more like a family. Over the years, mom had suggested that I marry Khushi. Now I have to admit, I did like Khushi. I liked spending time with her and I felt happy with her. Maybe I was slightly in love with her. How could one not fall in love with her? She was strong, brave, sweet and crazy beautiful. But I knew I couldn’t marry her. Her heart belonged to Arnav. Every Karva Chauth, she kept a fast in his name, she still wore her mangalsoothra and she always had some sindoor on too. She was still Arnav’s wife and I knew it would be stupid to even ask for her hand.

Initially Arushi didn’t call me papa. She knew I wasn’t her dad. When she first started addressing us, I was mamaji and mom was Nani. When Arushi got a little bit older and realised that all kids around her had a dad except her, she asked Khushi about her father. The question threw Khushi and she struggled to answer. But mom told her that she did have a father, of course she did, but her dad lived very far away and he always had a lot of work so he couldn’t come. But Arushi was assured that her father loved her. Maybe it’s because I was around, Arushi never truly felt Arnav’s absence. Arushi was a sweet child, never caused any problems and like her mother, she too was immensely loving. It wasn’t hard to love Arushi.

But it was as she got older and she started going to school, the kids around her realised that she didn’t have a dad and that upset Arushi. It was then that I took it upon myself to deal with it. All it took was going to school with her one day and all the teasing stopped. But by then, Arushi’s morale had been lowered and she asked Khushi about her dad more and more.

 

*Flashback*

 

“Mama I want my papa!”

 

I watched on as Arushi stamped her little feet, tears rolling down her face.”

 

“Arushi! Stop! You know your papa lives far away.”

“But why can’t go to see him?”

“Because we can’t! He lives in Delhi, it’s too far.”

“I want to talk to him on the phone.”

 

Arushi continued to cry and from her voice, I could tell that Khushi too was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t my business but I couldn’t see either of them like this. I walked into Arushi’s bedroom and kneeled before her.

 

“What’s the matter princess?”

“I want my papa.”

“But beta, you know your papa is far away.”

“But I want my papa! Everyone has a papa, I want mine!”

 

I saw Khushi take a step forward, but I stopped her.

 

“Why do you want your papa? You have your mama, you have me and you have your Nani. We all love you.”

“But I want…”

“Okay, how about this. How about I be your papa?”

 

She stopped crying and looked at me, confusion on her little face.

 

“You can be my papa?”

“If you want to call me papa, I will be your papa.”

“But I have a papa.”

“You can have 2. One who is far away and one who is with you all the time. There’s nothing wrong with having two papa’s. Double the love for you.”

 

I watched as she played with the idea. She looked confused, but her little face lit up and she nodded frantically before hugging me.

 

“Can I call you papa and take you to the Father’s Day event?”

“Of course.”

“Yayyyy!”

 

Jumping up, she gave me a big hug before running out of the room. I turned to Khushi who looked completely exhausted.

 

“I’m sorry, I should have checked with you…”

“Thank you. You saved me today Raj. I didn’t know what to do…”

“Khushi, I know you hate speaking about this but maybe you should let her meet him just once.”

“Raj you know why I can’t do that. How can I introduce her to her father when her father doesn’t even know she exists?”

“Maybe it’s time he did know Khushi.”

 

She turned away from me and I knew that this meant that this conversation was over once more. Honestly, I didn’t want Khushi to reach out to Arnav, but I wanted her and Arushi to be happy always. No matter how happy Khushi acted, it was obvious that she wanted to be with her husband. And after all, why wouldn’t she want that? Nothing had gone wrong between them, they hadn’t had a break up. Yes, he had a child with someone else, but he was with that person before Khushi entered his life so she couldn’t even be angry about that. There was nothing that made her bitter towards Arnav and so it made sense why she still wanted to be with him.

 

*Flashback end*

 

From that day onwards, I have been Arushi’s papa. But despite having me and calling me papa, she still wanted to meet her real father. She didn’t ask about his often, but she did every now and again and those days were still hard for Khushi. I wished Arushi would accept me as her father and completely forget that she actually has another mans blood running through her, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen.

No matter how much love I have forher, she would always be Arushi Singh Raizada, daughter of Arnav Singh Raizada. And no matter how much I loved Khushi, she would forever be the wife of Arnav Singh Raizada. The lucky dog. He was blessed with the two people I wanted more than anything, yet he wasn’t fortunate enough to have them.

I guess I should really feel sorry for him, but at the end of the day I envy him. Because in my heart I know, one day, Khushi and Arushi will go back to him. I don’t know when and how, but I know, I can feel it in my body. They will return to him…

Unwanted ~ Part 27

Khushi

 

Getting out of work early, I decided to go and pick Arushi up from school myself instead of getting our neighbour to drop her off home.

To get to the school from the office didn’t take long. I parked my car in the car park and then went inside the gates to get my baby. I looked at my watch, there was still a few minutes before they would start being let out, so I made my way up to where her classroom was.

Just as I was approaching her classroom, I saw my baby’s little head as she ran towards me.

 

“Mama!”

“Hey baby! How come you got out of class?”

“I told new sir that I saw you and Naina Maasi told sir that she would take me to you.”

 

Naina is our neighbour with whom Arushi usually came home with.

 

“New sir? Who new sir? Why wasn’t Mr Kapoor letting you out?”

 

Just as Arushi was about to start explaining, Naina approached us and started explaining to me how Mr Kapoor had left and how the kids had a substitute.

Nodding, we all turned and started making our way back to my car.

 

*****

 

It was later the same evening and Arushi was sat behind me, working on the letters and numbers she had learnt in class while I read through some files.

 

“Mama mama, guess what?”

“What happened baby?”

“My new teacher said his wife makes better jalebis than you!”

 

“Really?” I turned to see Raj leaning against the doorway, watching Arushi. She turned and saw him standing there and got up, rushing over to him.

“Papa!”

“Hi! So what did your teacher say?”

“I told him mama makes the best jalebis and he said his wife makes better ones!”

 

I saw that Raj looked confused as to why Arushi was talking about a new teacher, so I explained to him about the staffing changes.

 

“Oh I see! Well in that case, I think you should take your teacher some of your mama’s jalebis so he can see that your mom makes the best jalebis ever!”

 

I blushed at the compliment from Raj and turned my attention back to my work while he and Arushi spoke about her day.

 

“So what’s your new teachers name?”

“Mr Rai… Rai…”

 

I felt my blood run cold and I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Rai? Rai what? Raizada? Surely not. Shaking my head, I pushed the thought away. I was being paranoid. There was only one Raizada family in all of India and none of the Raizada’s were teachers. Plus she hadn’t even said his name was Raizada. I needed to calm down.

 

“Mr Raichanda!”

“Raichanda?”

“Haan papa! Mr Raichanda! He’s a giant!”

“A giant?”

 

I turned back to Arushi and Raj and I watched him chuckle as she explained how tall her Mr Raichanda was and how he almost touched the ceiling.

 

“He’s even taller than you!”

“Really?”

 

Arushi nodded her head, telling Raj that her teacher was much, much taller than him. I carried on watching as they talked about giants and jalebis. Laughing, I got to my feet and made my way to the kitchen to prepare some snacks for the both of them.

 

As I was frying the samosas, Veera Mausi came to look over my shoulder.

 

“You’re making samosas for those two?”

“Haan, I thought they’d be hungry so…”

“You take such good care of them both. Obviously, you take care of Arushi because she’s your daughter but Raj too…”

“He’s my friend. He’s stood by me through so much. The least I can do is to take care of him too.”

“We’re lucky to have you in our lives, you know that don’t you.”

“And me and Arushi are lucky to have you and Raj.”

 

Taking the samosas out of the oil, I put them on a plate. Once they were slightly cool, I handed one to Veera Mausi to try.

 

“Perfect as always.”

 

Smiling, I picked up the plate and made to leave the kitchen when she stopped me.

 

“Khushi… Can I speak to you about something?”

“Of course! But let me give these first before they get cold.”

 

She nodded and I rushed upstairs to give Arushi and Raj their samosas. They were both on the floor on their tummies, talking about the letters that Arushi had learnt. Smiling, I left them to it and made my way back downstairs. Veera Mausi was sat in the living room, on the sofa, so I sat down beside her.

 

“Khushi, I know it’s been a while since I’ve mentioned this but, have you thought about my proposal to you?”

 

I looked away, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

 

“I have, but my answer is still the same.”

“But Khushi…”

“Please, I don’t want to be rude nor do I want to be disrespectful, but this is one request of yours I cannot consider.”

“But to the world you are already…”

“That’s to the world, but we know the truth. I can’t…”

 

I got up for the sofa and turned away. I couldn’t have this conversation, couldn’t even consider it. I dismissed myself and went back upstairs to find Raj and Arushi still talking about something. I leaned against the door frame, listening to them. I didn’t even realise when Veera Mausi came up behind me.

 

“Just look at them. Even you know they look like they’re father and daughter.”

 

She placed her hand on my shoulder and led me to her room.

 

“Khushi, please consider what I am saying.”

“I can’t! Despite everything, I am still married to Arnav, I’m still his wife. How can I even think about marrying someone else when…

“He got married again didn’t he?”

“But…”

“You could always file for a divorce and send the papers to him.”

“No… I can’t.”

“What about my Raj? We both know he loves you and Arushi too much, hence why he can’t seem to get married to anyone else. If you don’t marry him, I don’t think he ever will.”

“Maybe it’s time for me and Arushi to leave. If we aren’t here, then he’ll stop feeling obligated to us and he’ll move on.”

“We both know that isn’t going to happen. Raj sees Arushi as his own. He won’t just let you both go like that.”

 

I ran my hand through my hair. This was a common conversation between me and Veera Mausi. She wanted me and Raj to marry. I know she means well, but I can’t even consider it. No matter what, I am still Arnav’s wife and even though he’s married to someone else, I can’t just move on like that.

 

“I’m sorry, but my answer is still no.”

“Arushi deserves stable home.”

“She has that! She has me. I’m working always to make sure that I can fulfil all her needs. And she has Raj, who like you said, loves her like his own. She has stability.”

“But what kind of life is this for her? Today she’s only 5 and half, she is happy with her life. But soon, she’ll get older, she’ll start understanding. She’ll want to meet her real father. But you don’t want to let her do that. Your depriving her both ways!”

“How? She’s got Raj?”

“But she already knows that Raj isn’t her real father. Nor her real father, nor is he a step father. Then she’ll want to know about he real father, what will you do then?”

“Some relations don’t need a name. And what Raj and Arushi have is far more important than a name or technicalities. As for what I’ll do when she starts asking questions, when we get there, we’ll see what needs to be done. But for now, Arushi is happy and that’s all that matters to me.”

“I will respect your wishes Khushi, but I think you should start considering it. Six years have passed. You don’t plan to go back to Arnav and that should be reason enough to try and start moving on with your life. And if not for yourself, think about Raj. He isn’t getting married because he’s hoping you will accept his feelings. Does he not deserve a companion too?

“Maybe when I’m ready, I will think about it, but for now, I’m not ready.”

 

Patting me on the shoulder, Veera left the room and I watched her go, taking in her words. Getting up, I made my way back to where Arushi and Raj were. They were still on the floor, reading a book now.

I watched as Raj read the book, changing his voice for all the different characters and I watched how Arushi’s expression changed and she laughed every time he did a high voice.

I watched as she listened intently, gazing up at him. Maybe Veera Mausi was right? Maybe… No no. I couldn’t… Despite everything else, the main issue was that I still loved Arnav. Until I stopped loving him, I couldn’t even consider marrying someone else. But maybe Raj and Arushi’s relationship did need a real name?

I walked away and went into my bedroom and sat down on my bed. Taking his picture out of my bedside table, I held it close to myself.

 

“What should I do Arnav?”

 

Maybe I did need to start considering marriage to Raj. It was true, he had been turning down proposals for as long as she could remember, and when he revealed it was because he wished to marry me, I remember how I’d felt completely lost. He never pressured me to make a decision but…

I felt so confused. What was the right thing to do? What should I do? What would be the best decision for everyone? Was I being unfair to Raj? He deserved to get married, to have a companion, to start a family of his own. I don’t think I could ever give him any of that. I don’t think I can marry someone else and start my life again with them. I don’t think I could ever get intimate with another man. Even if I married Raj, I would only be able to give him half a life, be half a wife. He deserved better than that. He deserved more than what I could ever give him.

I couldn’t marry Raj. I couldn’t.

Unwanted ~ Part 26

Arnav

 

My work in Mumbai was wrapping up nicely. Most of the issues that the AR branch was having here was getting wrapped up quite nicely. I still needed to stay here a little longer, to make sure everything was running like clockwork, but on the whole, my time here was coming to an end. And as much as I prefer Delhi to Mumbai, I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I felt like I had something here in Mumbai. Something that was making me feel hopeful. Was I delaying going home for a feeling? Yes. Was I being stupid? Probably.

But I wasn’t ready to go back to Delhi. I needed to stay here. My heart was telling me I needed to be here. And for once, I was going to let myself listen to my heart.

 

*****

 

Much to my distaste, nothing came up, and my time here was almost done. I had 3 days left in Mumbai and then I was set to go home. I didn’t want to go home, but at the same time staying here without an aim didn’t suit me either. I thought something would hit me, something would come at me, but nothing was happening. I couldn’t let myself hang around here, twiddling my thumbs.

But being here on my own was working for me. I didn’t have to deal with Nimisha, or Pari or Di. I was at peace. I had my house, so I was comfortable here, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone bothering me.

It gave me time to really think about Khushi, to do some more research if I could find any leads on her, but I couldn’t. She’d vanished completely. I know for a fact she left Delhi, her trail ended at the Delhi train station, but where she went from there, I had no clue. She could be anywhere in India. She may have even left India. She could ever still be in Delhi, there was just no way for me to know.

Getting up from my laptop, I made my way to the kitchen to fix myself some dinner. Settling on some pasta, I put the pasta on to boil and started preparing the sauce when my phone began to ring.

For a moment, I couldn’t decide if I should bother to go and see who it was, after all it would probably be just Di or Nimi. But I decided to go and check it out. Making my way back to my bedroom, I picked up my phone from the bedside table and saw that it was Veer. Veer was an old friend who used to live near us before he moved to Mumbai to start up a school. I took the call.

 

“Hey Veer, how are you buddy?”

 

Holding the phone to my ear, I made my way back into the kitchen to make sure that my pasta didn’t burn.

 

“Arnav, how you doing buddy? Has Mumbai been good to you?”

“It really has. I’ve been enjoying it here, really peaceful.”

 

We had a little chat, catching up on what we’d been up to since we last spoke a few weeks ago, until his tone changed.

 

“Listen, Arnav, I need to ask you a huge favour.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“One of my teachers has literally just resigned. He has just emailed me his resignation now and has said he won’t be in work tomorrow. I’ve called the agency and said they can’t do anything for me so last minute and I don’t have any substitute teachers at the moment because I have so many teaches on maternity leave. So I was wondering… Do you think you could step in for me. Just for tomorrow?”

“Wait what?”

 

Was Veer insane? How could I possibly teach? I’m a business man, I couldn’t possibly teach primary school children.

 

“As much as I’m flattered, I think you’re crazy! I’m a business man, I have zero experience with teaching.”

“They’re only little, they’re 5 year olds. All you have to do is teach them basic maths and English and play games with them. The lessons are all planned, you just have to follow the schedule.”

“If it’s so easy, surely you can find someone else?”

“I probably could, but I would need to have checks done to make sure that they are able to work with kids and I’d also need to go through qualifications. Arnav, I’m asking you because I know you have no criminal records, you’re safe to work with kids and you’re perfectly qualified. If it wasn’t so late in the evening, I definitely would try and sort something, but Arnav, you really are my only option right now.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please? Just for tomorrow. I’ll spend all of tomorrow trying to find someone else so you don’t have to come back, but please? I really need your help.”

 

As I watched my pasta bubble away, I actually contemplated what Veer was asking of me. I should have said no, of course I should’ve. It was crazy, how could I teach 5 year olds? But something about this request was appealing to me. It would be something different, a real adventure, even if it was only for a day. The rational side of me knew that I wasn’t fit to teach kids for even an hour, forget a whole day. No… I couldn’t do it, shouldn’t do it…

 

*****

 

“Class B, this is Mr Raizada. Mr Kapoor had to leave suddenly so Mr Raizada is taking your class today. Everyone, make sure you are good and don’t cause any trouble. I’ll be back to check on you at lunchtime.”

 

Veer pat me on the shoulder, wished me luck and then left. I must be insane. I actually decided to come here. Me, who has never taught a single child anything before. But I guess it is only for a day, and they’re only little. How hard could it possibly be?

I looked down at the kids, all looking up at me with their big, bright, curious eyes.

 

“Hi… I’m Mr Raizada. I will be taking your class today.”

 

I walked over to the desk and saw that I was meant to be teaching the children the letters H, I and J in the morning and then in the afternoon we were going to do counting exercises. It seemed straight forward enough. Looking at my watch, I realised that there was more than enough time to go through the letters, so I decided to play a little getting to know each other game, to help them become familiar with me.

Moving back I stood at the front of the class. They were all still staring at me, it was slightly off putting and intimidating, but I did sign up for this.

 

“Would everyone like to come and sit in a circle? We can play some games.”

 

They all looked at each other, but then started shuffling. I helped them to move their little tables out of the way and they made a big circle on the floor. I went and stood in the middle, looking around at all the kids.

 

“In this game, when it throw you the ball, you have to tell me what your name is and one thing you like and one thing you wish.”

 

Just as I was about to throw the ball to one of the kids, a little boy put his hand up.

 

“Yes?”

“Sir, are you a giant? My papa is big but you are even bigger than my papa.”

 

I found myself chuckling and I saw the kids nod in agreement to each other. I mean I didn’t think I was that tall, after all Akash was taller than me in our family, but I guess I was taller than a lot of people so I understood what they meant.

 

“No I’m not a giant but I know I’m very big.”

 

They all nodded, accepting the answer and then we began to go round the circle. One by one they told me their names and I tried my best to remember as many of them. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t really remember the facts they told me, I just needed to learn their names. I didn’t even really need to learn their names. In a few hours, I would leave this place and I’d probably never see any of these kids ever again.

I went round, one by one and took their names in. Some of them told me that they liked fairly obscure things, but I guess that helped as it’d help me remember them.
I got to a little girl, whose hair was braided and whose eyes seemed incredibly familiar.

 

“What’s your name?”

“Arushi.”

“That’s a nice name. What’s one thing you like Arushi?”

“I like my mamas special jalebis! They’re the best!”

 

The mention of jalebis made me think of Khushi. And like this little girl, I loved and missed Khushi’s special jalebis that she would make for me.

 

“I bet my wife makes better jalebis than your mama.”

“Never! My mama makes the bestest special jalebis just for me. She says my papa loves them too!”

“Really? Okay, maybe we will have a competition one day, but for now tell me one wish you have.”

 

The little girls smile fell and almost instantly she replied.

 

“I wish I could see my papa.”

 

I looked at her little face. Moments before she had been lively and teased me about her mother making better jalebis than Khushi and now it looked as though all colour from her face was gone.

An innate instinct within me made me want to hug the child in front of me, I don’t know why. I don’t know this child, why was I feeling such a pull towards her? Pushing the thought away, I nodded and then moved onto the next child.

As I carried on my activity, my attention stayed with the little girl who wished for her father. There was something about this girl…

 

*****

 

Grabbing a board pen, I went over to the whiteboard and wrote out the three letters that we were to focus on. I pointed to the first letter.

 

“Does anyone know what letter this is?”

 

Only a few little hands shot up, one of them being Arushi. I asked her what the letter was and she correctly identified that it was a H and then proceeded to tell me that she had a H in her name.

I told her she was correct and then moved onto the next letter and the next child.

The morning session came to a close and the children all went to have their lunch. I escorted them to the canteen and then came back to my classroom to find Veer waiting for me.

 

“So, how was the morning buddy?”

“It actually went pretty well. The kids are all really well behaved and they’re just generally a good group of kids.”

“I’m glad it’s going well. I remember at the start of the year they were complete pains.”

“Have you found a teacher for them?”

“I haven’t. But I have a couple of people who I’m waiting to hear back from.”

 

I nodded, taking in what Veer was saying.

 

“Maybe… Maybe I can keep filling in until you find a permanent replacement. It’s not good for such little kids to have such instability.”

“Arnav… Are you sure?”

 

I thought about what I was saying. Did I really want to do this? But there was something about being around these kids that I was enjoying. I was drawn to them and I wanted to be responsible for educating them.

 

“I’m sure.”

Unwanted ~ Part 25

Khushi

As I walked towards my bedroom, I thought about what me and Veera mausi had talked about. She and Raj had always said that they thought I should tell Arnav about Arushi. When I first found out that I was pregnant, they had wanted me to tell him, but I didn’t. After she was born, they wanted me to contact him, but I couldn’t…

Sitting down on my bed, I opened up my bedside cabinet and took out the framed photograph of Arnav. Putting it down, I went over to the wardrobe and pulled out his jumper and slipped it on. These were the only two things of his that I had taken when I left. Coming back to the bed, I picked his picture back up and held it close to my chest. I still remembered the day I left. I played it all out in my head over and over again over the last 6 years…

 

*Flashback*

 

I awoke in the middle of the night, feeling thirsty and I found that there was no water in our room. Reaching out for my dressing gown at the end of the bed, I picked it up and slipped it on. Carefully peeling the sheets back, I got out of bed quietly so that I wouldn’t disturb the slumbering Arnav.

It was a early hours of the morning and we’d only gotten to sleep a little while ago after making love for the umpteenth time. He was exhausted and needed sleep.

Once out of bed, I quietly made my way to the door and out of our room. On my way to the kitchen, I saw that Nimisha’s bedroom light was still on. That was weird? It was almost 5am, why was her bedroom light on? I made my way towards her room, maybe she just forgot to switch it off?

As I moved towards her room, I heard sobbing and so moved closer until I was at the doorway. Peering into her room, I saw she was sat on the edge of her bed, her hands over her bulging belly, while tears flowed down her face. I moved closer to the doorway, wanting to go in and comfort her, but I stopped myself when I realised that she was talking to her baby.

 

“My sweetheart, how are you? Mama can’t wait to hold you… I… I don’t know how things are going to be when you arrive, but I promise, you’ll always have me even if you don’t have anyone else. Your papa… He may not accept us now, but in sure he will when you arrive. After all you are his baby, the moment he sees you, he won’t be able to not fall in love with you. Don’t worry, we will be a happy a little family, just you wait and watch baby.”

 

Moving away from the door, I realised I had tears in my own eyes. I stepped back and then as if in autopilot, I somehow ended back up in my bedroom.

Slipping my dressing gown off, I got back into bed and cuddled up to Arnav, wrapping my arm around him, holding him close to myself. I rested my face on his shoulder, my arm draped across his chest. I placed a light kiss on his neck as I thought about what I just witnessed.

Nimisha looked so… Broken. So defeated. She was never like that during the day. During the day she looked like she had so much hope, and was so happy. But what I saw just now…

I looked up at Arnav. He had promised me that all this stuff with Nimisha wouldn’t come between us, but was I being unfair? That baby, the innocent little baby that Nimisha was carry, they deserved a father. Everyone deserved to have a father. I knew in my heart, that Arnav was keeping away from Nimisha because of me and his love for me. But in keeping away from Nimisha, it meant he was keeping away from her baby too… His baby… Their baby. And that wasn’t fair. The baby was of no fault.

Sitting up in bed, I ran my hand through my hair. As long as I was around, Arnav would never be able to accept his baby. He would always stay away from the baby and Nimi because of me. Could I allow myself to be the reason a child grew up without their fathers love? I turned my attention to him, and took in his relaxed expressions. He was at so much peace right now. He hadn’t looked this peaceful whilst sleeping in weeks. I knew that I was the reason behind this ease that he had now. That I had helped him to relax in this manner. I knew he needed me as much as I needed him, but the baby… Me and Arnav, we were grown adults. We would be able to manage without each other, but the baby, the baby would come into this world completely helpless. Yes, the baby would have Nimisha but they needed their dad too.

Tugging on my hair, I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, I had to stay by Arnav. As his wife, I needed to be by him through this whole ordeal. And more than that, I had promised to spend the rest of my life with him. But, in doing that, I could come between him and his child.

I sat on the bed, thinking it all through. Swinging my legs out of bed, I made my decision. I knew what I needed to do, what the right thing to do was.

Looking outside, I saw that it was nearly sunrise and I knew that if I was serious about what I wanted to do, then I needed to do it soon.

I made my way over to my wardrobe and pulled out a small suitcase and quickly started putting in some clothes and essentials that I would need. I packed my toiletries, and then went over to Arnav’s wardrobe and pulled out my favourite jumper of his and put it in.

One may say that I was making a very rash decision, but I knew that if I didn’t do this now, I’d never be able to.

Once I was packed, I got dressed, making sure that I had money and my cards on me. Looking around the room, I picked up his photograph that was sat on my bedside table and pushed that into my suitcase as well.

Putting my suitcase and my handbag down by the door, I came back over to Arnav. Tears pricked my eyes as I realised what I was doing. I was leaving him… Breaking my promise to him. Sitting on the bed, I brushed his hair out of his eyes and placed a kiss on his forehead. Was I actually going to leave the man I loved?

Running my hand through his hair and then down his face, I realised how much I actually loved him. But I knew I needed to do this, if I didn’t, his baby would never get his love.

Moving back over to my side of the bed, I took out some paper and a pen out of my bedside drawer and wrote him a note.

 

“To my love…

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I’ll be long gone. I don’t have much time to write a long letter, explaining everything that’s going on in my head, but I just want you to know, I didn’t plan on leaving on. But I realised something tonight, and that’s that, as long as I am with you, your baby will never get your full attention or your love. And that isn’t right. The baby is innocent and she or he deserves all your love. Due to this, I am leaving.

I’m sorry Arnav, I really am. I wish I didn’t have to leave, I don’t want to leave, but in my heart I know this is the best option, the only option. I hope you can forgive me.

No matter what happens Arnav, know that I love you more than I love myself. You are my true love, my soulmate, my better half. But just because we love each other doesn’t mean we should be together. You always belonged to Nimisha, and this baby, your baby, it’s a sign that you were never truly mine.

I love you Arnav, I always will. And know that wherever I am, I will always love you and think about you. But I have to go. Please don’t try to find me, please accept my decision and please accept your baby. And please, be happy. That’s all I want.

Take care of yourself. I love you.

Forever yours no matter whare I am,

Khushi x.”

 

I went out to the poolside and picked a rose from the bush. Placing the rose and the note on his bedside table, I leaned down, pressed a kiss onto his lips, my tears falling onto his face. In that moment, I kind of wished he would wake up, that he’d see me and tell me to stop. But he didn’t wake up, he didn’t move, he was deep asleep.

Pulling away, I got back onto my feet and made my way over to the door. Turning to take in his slumbering form one last time, I was ready to go…

 

*****

 

Leaving Shantivan, I got into the first auto that came my way. When the man asked me where I wanted to go, I was stumped for a moment. Where did I want to go?

 

“Train station.”

 

I looked at Shantivan one last time before we set off. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. Upon arriving at the train station, I realised that I now had another decision to make, where was I going next? I knew I couldn’t stay here, if I did, he’d find me instantly. And I couldn’t go to my family as they wouldn’t understand why I was making this decision. I needed to go somewhere, far away from anyone I knew so I could really start my life again, far, far away from Arnav’s life. I picked the first city that came to mind. Mumbai.

Mumbai was far away enough for Arnav not to find me. Plus with so many people there, even if he found out I was there, it would take him a while to find me. Also going there, I’d be much more likely to be able to find myself a good job.

Using my card, I withdrew all my money from my account. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to buy me a ticket and would be enough to find me somewhere to live for a few weeks. As soon as I got there, I would need to start looking for a job, otherwise I’ll run out of money very fast.

Getting myself a train ticket to Mumbai, I quickly sent Arnav one last text.

 

“I love you baby.”

 

Switching my phone off, I pulled the SIM card out and brought myself a new one. I couldn’t risk using my existing one, he’d be able to track me down if he wanted to.

My train pulled up and I got on. Taking my seat, I took a last look a Delhi station. Only god knew if I would ever come back here again. As the train began to move, I took my old SIM card out and threw it out of the window.

This was a new beginning.

 

*****

 

An entire day later, I finally arrived in Mumbai. I was exhausted, I was hungry, I felt empty inside and my eyes were sore from all the crying that I had done on my way here. As soon as the train had pulled away from Delhi station, I started crying. And I kept crying for ages. How had I actually left everything that was important to me behind? How had I left Arnav? But there was no turning back now. Leaving Mumbai station, I really didn’t know where to go next. So I just sat down at a bench outside the station and picked up the newspaper that lay beside me. Maybe I’d find an advert for a job or for a place to stay. Flicking through the newspaper, I saw a number of adverts that could be relevant to me, so I slipped the newspaper into my bag. I would go through it properly later and call up people to see what they had.

Still sat at the bench, I tried to work out where to go next, but then I heard the sound of the bells in a mandir. Maybe going to the temple would be a good idea. I needed as much blessings as I could get. Getting up and getting hold of my bags, I followed the sound of the bells and soon enough, I found myself a huge mandir. As it was still early, the mandir was fairly quiet, not many people were around. I put my suitcase aside, hoping that no one would steal it.

As I made my way up to the mandir, I realised that there really wasn’t a lot of people around yet. There were a few other people there, other than that it was empty. I got right up to the front and put my hands together.

 

“Devi Maiyya, I am starting a new life, I have left everyone I care for and love, and I am trying to start my life over. You know why I have done what I have done, you know that I have done this with good intentions. Please bless me and help me settle into my new life. Please take care of my Arnav and my family for me. I know he is going to be very hurt, knowing I’ve left him, but please help him get over that and help him move forward with his life.

Please help me find somewhere to stay and help me find a job.”

 

I ended my prayer and as I turned to leave, I saw a middle aged woman watching me. She was stood fairly close to me, meaning that she would have heard everything that I said. I just smiled and moved to brush past her when she stopped me.

 

“Child, I’m sorry for overhearing your prayers, but from what I have heard I have come to the understanding that you need somewhere to stay?”

“I…”

 

I didn’t know what to say. What was I meant to say to a random woman who had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Devi Maiyya?

 

“I’m Veera. One of my sons and his wife have just moved out so I have a couple of rooms spare in my house. I live with my elder son, but he’s currently trying to set up his business so he’s never home. I have put an ad in the paper, but no one has got back to me yet…”

 

I considered what the lady was saying and to be fair, she didn’t seem like some kind of thug or someone who was messing with me. She seemed genuine and sweet. I decided to listen to what she had to say. After all, where else did I have to go?

I agreed to go and view the room and talk prices with her.

 

*Flashback end*

 

Deciding to take a chance on Veera mausi and taking her up on her offer was probably one of the best decisions I had ever made. The room that she was offering was a large one, and the rate she was asking for was more than affordable for me.

Initially when I had first moved in, I was responsible for cooking my own food. But as Veera mausi and I got to know each other better, meals started becoming more of a joint thing. I would help her in the kitchen to prepare food and we would eat together as opposed to eating the food we prepared for ourselves on our own.

She didn’t ask me about my past, or where I had come from and why. She understood that I had my reasons for leaving my life behind and she could tell that it wasn’t an easy decision that I had made. She could tell that I was hurting due to it. But she never asked, she gave me my space.

However, not long after moving in, I found myself opening up to her, telling her about everything. Once I told her all about myself, I found that we instantly grew closer and I started feeling more at home.

A few days after moving in, I found myself a little job. It wasn’t much, it was just cleaning someone’s house during the day and teaching their child maths and English in the evening, but the pay was good and it was enough for me to be able to pay my rent and put some money aside for other things.

For a while I hadn’t really met Raj properly. He would leave very early in the morning and would return late at night. But I knew he was around and he knew I was here too. Raj had been busy trying to get his business together and up and running. Once his business started to settle, that’s when we finally properly sat down and spoke to each other. It was also then that he offered me the job of his PA. I had told him that I couldn’t, I wasn’t qualified enough, but he had told me that his business was still only starting up, there wouldn’t be a lot for me to have to handle just yet. He and Veera mausi had faith in me so I took the job. It turned out that I was very good at it, not the best, but I managed to make it work.

Three months into my life in Mumbai and I had a sense of direction. Things were starting to settle down for me… Or so I thought.

 

*Flashback*

 

Getting up from the breakfast table, I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. What was happening to me? For the last three morning, as soon as I had my breakfast, I was sick. I didn’t understand what was happening to me.

Veera mausi rushed into my room after me and waited outside the bathroom.

 

“Khushi, are you okay dear?”

 

Once I felt my stomach settle, I rinsed out my mouth and washed my face properly before getting out of the bathroom.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I felt so weak, I felt like I couldn’t get the words out, so I just nodded. Raj knocked on my open bedroom door. I nodded for him to come in. He came inside and handed me a large glass of water.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Veera mausi made me sit down on the bed and she gestured for Raj to leave.

 

“Khushi, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Of course.”

“Beta… I know this is a very personal question, but I need to ask, have you had your period since you have been here with us?”

 

I shook my head. I knew what she was thinking, I had been worried myself. But after googling it, I realised that it wasn’t uncommon to miss periods. After leaving home, I had come off my birth control pills. Google said that once coming off them, it takes a while for the hormones within the body to regulate themselves. Plus I had been under a lot of stress, what with leaving home and having to get myself sorted. I had come to the conclusion that all of that was having an impact on my menstrual cycle.

 

“Khushi, I think you need to get a pregnancy test.”

 

I shook my head.

 

“Nehin mausi… I don’t think I need to. We… I was on the pill so I can’t be…”

“Khushi I know what you are saying, but I have been watching you the last week or so, even since before you started being sick every morning. I recognise the symptoms and I really think you need to get a test done.”

 

I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant. I had always made sure to take my pill at the same time every morning and I never missed… A sudden thought hit me then. After Nimisha had entered our lives, I had been a little bit stressed and I could remember not taking my pill every now and again. But at the same time, during that time me and Arnav weren’t really having sex either. Surely I couldn’t be pregnant…

 

*****

 

Veera mausi held me close to herself as I cried. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could this be happening?

 

“Sh.. Khushi, don’t cry sweetheart.”

“I don’t… What am I… I don’t know what to do. How…”

“Sh calm down child, everything is going to be okay.”

 

I wiped my tears and pulled myself out of her embrace. This was insane. I’ve been here for over three months meaning that I was a minimum of about 13 weeks pregnant.

I had taken a number of pregnancy tests, all had come back with the same result.

 

“I know you told me why you left home, but maybe you need to call your husband.”

“I can’t…”

“Khushi, I know this is a lot for you to think about at one time, but you need to call him. This isn’t just about you, you are carrying his baby. He needs to know.”

“I can’t… Nimisha should have recently have had her baby… I can’t…”

“You left him so that his baby with Nimisha would receive their fathers love. But what about your baby Khushi? For the sake of another woman’s child, are you really going to deprive your child of a father?”

“He’s moved on mausi. I showed you the article about his wedding to Nimisha. I can’t enter his life again now… I can’t make a mess of his life like that.”

“But what about you and your baby! How are you going to do this?”

 

Getting to my feet, I placed my hand on my belly.

 

“I will do this, on my own. I can’t make a mess of his life again. I will raise my baby on my own. I will do this!”

 

I turned to look at Veera mausi. I could tell that she wasn’t impressed with my decision but she didn’t say anything more. She came over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder.

 

“If this is what you think is best, then me and Raj will support you. But Khushi, I really think your husband deserves to know the truth.”

“Maybe one day I will contact him, but right now, I need to do this on my own.”

 

*Flashback end*

 

Finding out that I was pregnant was both one of the happiest moments of my life, but also one of the hardest. Life threw me a huge curveball, I felt like I was being punished. I had left Arnav so that Nimisha’s baby would get their father, but here I was, depriving my own child of her father. There were a number of times during my pregnancy when I had picked up my phone and I was ready to call Arnav, but I had to stop myself. I couldn’t mess up his life, not when I knew that he had started over.

During my pregnancy, I worked. Raj tried to stop me, even threatened to fire me, but I needed to make sure that I had enough money. It wasn’t just about me any more, I had a baby coming who I needed to raise. Despite Raj and Veera mausi’s protests, I carried on working up until a few weeks before I gave birth.

My pregnancy was a relatively easy one and giving birth wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated it to be. But holding my baby for the first time was the hardest thing to do. Arnav should have been beside me, he should’ve been holding our baby with me, but he wasn’t. At first, it was hard. Taking care of our baby was hard. And I was grateful that I had Veera mausi and Raj who treated me and Arushi as their own and took care of us both. As time passed, it got easier and I was able to do everything myself.

Once me and Arushi had gotten into a routine, I went back to work. Raj had insisted that everything would be managed, that he would cover my costs, but I didn’t want to be a burden on them. So I went to work, I made my money, and then I would come home and look after my daughter.

That was how my life had been all those years ago and that was still how my life was. Over the years, alongside working for Raj, I also tutored children and due to which I had quite an income. I had enough money saved away to move out of Veera mausi’s home and maybe move somewhere where I wouldn’t have to be living with other people. But I liked being here and Raj and Veera mausi had become our own people. I couldn’t leave them now and even if I wanted to, they wouldn’t let us.

I had left everything that mattered to me behind in Delhi, but here in Mumbai I had managed to find myself a new family, and I had Arushi, my reason to live.

Life wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either.

Unwanted ~ Part 24

Arnav

Being in Mumbai has been the best thing ever. Given, the food isn’t as good as it is in Delhi, but the fresh sea air has been good for me, and I feel so much more at ease. I haven’t felt this free in a long time.

There wasn’t that much that needed to be done in regards with AR. There were some minor issues, but the moment I looked over it, changed some details around, everything fell back into place. I needed to be here for a few weeks still, just to look over the running, but really, if I wanted to I could have gone home. But I didn’t want to. It was nice living on my own, not being woken up every morning to the sound of kids screaming. And in the evenings I liked coming down to the beach. It reminded me of mine and Khushi’s honeymoon in Bali.

Being here, a lot of things reminded me of Khushi. At the moment it seemed like I couldn’t get her out of my head. It felt as though she was close to me and that she was trying to make me realise that she was here. It could be possible, but I’d already had the city checked years back and there was no sign of Khushi here. Maybe between then and now she had moved here, but I didn’t know. Maybe I should get someone to see if they could find anything out about her again.

Getting into bed, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever did find Khushi again. Would we rush into each other’s arms, would we kiss? Or would she try to avoid me and run away?

Six years had passed, but every memory related to her was still as bright and clear as ever. I could remember it all so clearly, how things were, how happy we were, until…

 

*Flashback*

 

“Chote, come downstairs now!”

 

I turned to Khushi, her eyes wide as she held the sheets close to her body. It was our six month anniversary and we were celebrating by spending the day in bed.

I rolled over, pressed a kiss between her lips while I let my hands wander along her naked body. She squealed and pushed me off, and I laughed as I put my clothes on and got out of bed.

I love Di, but she knew me and Khushi just wanted to spend time alone. We were meant to go away, but at the last minute a new project came up and I couldn’t go anywhere, my hands were completely tied. But I’d taken the time out today, just to spend our half a year anniversary together and now Di was making me get out of bed.

I turned to Khushi who stretched in bed before covering herself properly again with the sheets.

 

“You go and see to Di, I’m waiting for you to come back.”

 

She gave me a wink and I laughed before getting out. I made my way down the stairs and as I went down, I saw that everyone was stood in the hall. What was going on?

 

“Di?”

 

Di moved out of the way and I froze where I was. Nimisha? What was she doing her. Di came over to me, her eyes wide with anger.

 

“Is it true?”

“What’s going on?”

 

I looked between Di and Nimisha, still not understanding what was going on. And then I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. Nimi was heavily pregnant. But why was she here?

 

“Is it yours?”

“What?”

“Her baby! Is it yours?”

“What?!”

 

Now it was my turn to have wide eyes. Why was Di asking me this? Why was Nimisha here?

 

“No! Of course not!”

“Chote, just tell us the truth.”

 

Now it was Nani. What truth? What was I meant to say to them!

 

“Nani, no! This isn’t my baby? Nimisha, what’s going on here?”

“I didn’t want to do this Arnav. I didn’t want to come and get you involved, but… I know you’re married and happy with your wife but… I can’t handle this on my own. I need you.”

“Nimisha. We broke up. I can’t help you. Maybe you should go and speak to your baby’s father.”

“Hello hi bye bye Arnav bitwa, that’s what she is doing!”

 

I looked between my family and Nimisha. Wait… Was she trying to say that… We’re they actually convinced…

 

“It’s not my baby!”

 

This was insane. Why did she think I was her baby’s father? How could I be her baby’s dad when I’ve never even slept with her? How had she made my family believe that I was her baby’s father?

 

“I’m really sorry! But Arnav, the baby is yours…”

“No! Absolutely not! It’s not possible.”

“I’ve never been with anyone else like that Arnav, there’s no doubt.”

“Nimisha, I broke up with you when I saw a love bite on you. Maybe the one who gave you that is your baby’s father.”

“He isn’t. Nothing happened between us. Well, nothing that could have left me pregnant.”

“Nimi this is insane! You know we never shared any kind of relationship like that! How can you possibly think this is my baby?”

 

I hear a loud gasp behind me. Turning around, I see Khushi, fully dressed, stood at the foot of the stairs, her face completely pale. I rush over to her side, taking her hands into my own.

 

“Khushi, I swear to you, this is all a misunderstanding!”

“There’s no misunderstanding Arnav. It’s taken me over 2 months to put it altogether, but I know now. Remember a couple of nights before you’re wedding we went out? We were both tense about what was going to happen, how things were going to end up. We both got a bit drunk that night and I remember some things that happened between us, but I couldn’t remember it all. Now however, after really thinking about it… I… You are the father Arnav.”

 

Khushi’s hand fell away from mine, tears threatening to pour out of her eyes.

 

“This is insane! Nimisha, stop this! I know I can’t be your baby’s father. I never touched you like that! I know I didn’t. The only person I’ve ever had such relations with is Khushi.”

 

I turned my attention to Khushi, cupping her face.

 

“Khushi, Khushi you remember our first night together right? You remember how nervous I was, how inexperienced I was… If that wasn’t my first night, I wouldn’t have been like that, we both know it!”

 

I could tell she was thinking about our first night and I watched as she nodded slightly, but I don’t think she was completely believing me. I felt like I was becoming slightly hysterical, why was no one believing me? I know this baby can’t be mine! I know it! In my heart, I know.

 

“Arnav I know this is hard to take in, but if you want I am willing to take a prenatal paternity test. I have already spoken to my doctor about it and we can have it done. But I know that this baby is ours.”

“Why are you coming to me so late in your pregnancy about this. If you are saying you got pregnant after an alleged night before I got married, then you’re near enough 6 and a half months. Why are you only telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 4 months along. And when I did, I was so confused. But I knew you were happy and I didn’t want to come between you and Khushi. So I decided I would keep this to myself and not involve you. But I have been really struggling. My parents turned their back when they found out I was pregnant and I couldn’t manage on my own. I didn’t know what else to do, I had to come to you.”

 

I shook my head and turned away. Khushi had dropped my hand again and her eyes were fixed on Nimisha. I watched as Di took hold of Nimisha and led her into the living area and sat her down on the sofa. Di sat down beside her.

 

“Where are you staying?”

“I had rented myself a home, but I couldn’t afford to pay this months rent… I came here to ask Arnav if I could borrow some money…”

“You don’t need to borrow money, I think you should stay with us.”

 

I turned to Di, I could tell I had a look of shock of my face.

 

“Di…”

“Chote, she’s come here to ask for money from you because she needs it to take care of your child. But knowing she is carrying your child, I can’t just send her away. And we have the space so Nimisha can stay with us until we sort all this out.”

 

At this point, Khushi rushed away, towards our bedroom.

 

“Di, we can’t! I’m married! Do you understand how hard this is going to be for Khushi if you insist my ex stays with us?”

“Khushi is sensible and will learn to deal with it. Besides, this won’t affect yours and Khushi’s relationship. Nimisha is simply going to be here because she is carrying the Raizada family heir. She’s not trying to take Khushi’s place in your life.”

 

I shook my head, I couldn’t deal with this right now. I was just about to leave when I turned my attention back to Nimisha.

 

“Thanks for ruining our half a year anniversary.”

 

I went up to our bedroom and slowly pushed the door open to find Khushi sat on the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest, tears rolling down her face.

 

“Khushi…”

 

She wiped the tears away, but she didn’t look at me. Sitting down beside her, I placed a finger under her chin and raised her face so she was looking at me.

 

“Baby…”

“I’m not upset, I’m fine. It’s just a bit shocking…”

“Khushi I don’t know what’s going on, but I can bet my life there’s some misunderstanding. The baby can’t be mine! I’ve never slept with her.”

“Why would she lie about this though. Maybe you have just forgotten…”

“Khushi, I wouldn’t forget something like that.”

 

Shaking her head, she turned away from me. I tried to move towards her, take her into my arms, but she brushed me away.

 

“If you push me away, I won’t be able to get through this. I need you…”

“And I will always be by your side, I just need some time to process all this. But I’m always here for you, I promise…”

 

*Flashback ends*

 

I sit up in bed and run my hand through my hair. For a while she kept her promise, she stood by me even after Nimisha did the prenatal paternity test and it came back saying that there was a match with my DNA and the baby’s DNA.

She held me close to her when I cried that night, when I expressed to her that I was confused and that I was scared. She comforted me, whispered words of love and support in my ears.

For a while everything was going well. Nimisha was living with us in our house, but she wasn’t having any impact on our relationship. She stayed out of our way, and we out of hers. Khushi promised me that she would support me throughout the whole ordeal. That she didn’t care if I had a child with someone else. She knew I loved her more than anything, and that was enough for her.

But as Nimisha’s due date neared, she became more needy and Khushi started distancing herself from me. I remembered our last night together clear as anything, but of course at the time I didn’t know it would be our last night together…

 

*Flashback*

 

“I can’t do this Arnav. I can’t! It’s too much! I’ve tried… You know I have. I want to be here for you, but it’s so weird, watching her make you touch her belly to feel your baby… I can’t… Please let me go to Buaji’s for a few days.”

“You can go, but Khushi, I need you here.”

 

I moved closer to her, needing to touch her. The last couple of days, she had been distant. She’d go to sleep before I got to bed or she’d come to bed long after I went to sleep. If on the odd occasion we got to bed at the same time, she would feign fatigue and would say she was too tired to have sex. I wasn’t missing the sex, I was missing her. I missed being close to her, holding her against me…

She kept herself busy at all times, always seeming to remember something that needed to be done whenever I moved in to kiss her…

 

“This is so intense, I didn’t think…”

“Yes it’s intense, that’s why I need you, Khushi I… I won’t be able to handle anything without you.”

 

I closed the distance between us, and wrapped my arms around her before pressing my face into the crook of her neck. Placing small kisses on her neck, I pulled her further into myself before sweeping her off her feet and putting her down on the bed. I pulled back slightly, but she pulled me onto herself again, her hands in my hair as she guided my face onto hers, pressing her lips between mine. In an instant, our kiss became passionate, our bodies moving against the others, our hands rushing over the others body, needing to touch each other’s bare skin.

Her hands found their way under my t-shirt, mine found their way on the hem of her kameez. I broke the kiss, needing to get her clothes off. She didn’t protest. Pulling her kameez off and then pulled her bra off, I let myself kiss every inch of her exposed skin, focusing on her pebbled nipples. Seven and a half months into our marriage and I was still obsessed with her breasts. I loved how average sized they were. They weren’t large, but they weren’t small either, they were the perfect size for her body and for my hands…

 

“Ah… Mmm…”

 

Little sighs left her lips as I ran my tongue over the sensitive tip of her nipple, her hands tightening in my hair. I let my hand move along her body, touching every one of her perfect curves before dropping to her shelwar. I pulled at the shelwar, making it come loose before pushing it away. Her legs wrapped around my waist as we carried on kissing each other, she was busy trying to get my clothes off…

Once we had got all of our clothes off, she pulled me close to herself, covering her body with my own. I trailed kisses all the way down her body, from her forehead all the way to her inner thighs. She held me close through the whole process, her hand gripped in my hair while the other bunches up the sheets beside her.

When I moved back over her, she was completely breathless, anticipating what was to come as though it was our first night all over again.

 

“I love you…”

“I love you too.”

“Stay with me?”

“Always…”

 

*Flashback ends*

 

We’d made love over and over again that night. Maybe it was a sign that it would have been our last night together, but I don’t think either of us at that point thought it would be. When we’d made love that night, it didn’t feel like an ending. What she was doing to me, it didn’t feel like she was doing it because she knew she was going to leave me.

We’d made love, promising to be by each other through it all. Giving ourselves up to each other all over again.

But when I awoke early in the afternoon of the next day she was gone…

 

*Flashback*

 

I reached out to Khushi’s side of the bed, only to find it cold and empty. I rolled onto my side and opened my eyes. Sure enough she wasn’t in bed. Getting up, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock, it was almost 1pm! How had I slept for so long? But then memories of last night came back to me. We’d made love to each other well into the early hours of the morning. It had felt good, to come together like that after so long, it felt like she had pushed away any insecurities and given herself to me all over again.

I lay back in bed, smiling as I remembered how I’d touched her and how she’d touched me. How her body felt against mine, under mine…

Getting up again, I looked around the room. It was obvious she’d probably woken up and started her day, I couldn’t expect her to have stayed in bed with me until so late. Stretching, I prepared to get myself out of bed. As I swung my legs out of bed, I noticed something I hadn’t seen before, a note with a rose on my bedside table.

At first I was confused, but then I felt myself relaxing. This must be one of Khushi’s romantic gestures so that she could tell me how she felt about last night.

Smiling, I picked it up and began reading…

As I read, I felt the rose slip out from between my fingers and onto the floor, she was gone.

 

*Flashback ends*

 

I sat up in bed as it all came back to me. I ran my hand through my hair. A letter… That was all I got. She never called me after to explain herself, not even a letter. Just like that, she was gone. After sharing on of the most beautiful nights together, she left me, just like that. I was still naked from our deeds of the night before and she left me.

I’d done everything to find her. I’d called her, called her family, had her cards tracked. I called the airport, the train station and the bus station, but I must have been too late. She must have been well out of the city before I made all those calls. I extended my search after that. But she’d vanished…

Lying back in bed, I rolled onto my side, facing the side of the bed where she should’ve been, but as always, her side of the bed remained empty. She was gone. And I didn’t know how to find her.